Let’s see. So much to choose from. Between the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse Election 2016 and the upcoming Catastrophonic Winter, there’s no end to what’s driving me crazy.
But to spare you hours of reading time, I narrowed it down to these:
- When I wake up five minutes before the alarm goes off.
- When I realize the tag in my shirt keeps sticking out because my shirt is on backwards.
- Taking spoons out of the garbage disposal. (AAACCKK!! Must wash my hands with bleach!!!!)
- Anything with the name Trump or Hillary.
- Trying to throw together a Halloween costume with trash bags, Kleenex and Scotch tape.
- When I have a zit near my nose that looks like a booger.
- People who aren’t registered to vote who bitch about the election.
- Commercials with CGI characters.
- When I can’t fast-forward through commercials.
- When I eat my last piece of hidden chocolate.
- Sticky floors.
- People who talk to me while staring at my hairline. Look in my eyes, dammit!
- Hot chocolate that isn’t hot.
Hopefully, we don’t experience any of this stuff today–but it IS Tuesday . . .
Tuesday. The smelly, unshaven armpit of the week. Here’s the first list of Things Driving Me Crazy in 2016.
- When I walk 15 flights of stairs (because Fitbit) but my gadget only counts nine flights.
- People who don’t shovel snow off their sidewalks and now that snow has turned into mini ice glaciers that I have to climb over when walking Ringo.
- College football.
- Falling off my chair at work. (I wasn’t even drunk!)
- People bragging about keeping their New Year’s resolutions. It’s been 12 days. TWELVE days.
- Not being $900 million richer. Thanks, Powerball.
- Eating something, not because it’s delicious, but because it’s there.
- Sneezing at work. Ten times in a row.
- Writing a freakin’ brilliant blog that nobody reads.
- Not having a personal chef.
- Driving to work in the dark. Driving home from work in the dark. (I just assume the sun rises at some point during the day.)
- The yogurt war between Chobani and Dannon. Isn’t yogurt supposed to be the Gandhi of dairy products?
- Finishing Terry Pratchett’s final book. This isn’t driving me crazy. Just making me sad.
(The world just got a little less funny. RIP Sir Pratchett.)
Hopefully, your Tuesday can now continue crazy-free.
I realized it’s been a while since I’ve posted a Things Driving Me Crazy Today blog. Does that mean I’m more tolerant of the insane behavior around me? Nope. It just means I’ve been living in frustrated anguish, but once I vomit-blog my list I’ll feel much better.
Here are the Things Driving Me Crazy Today (and by “today” I mean anytime during the last four decades):
- When you lose one earring but don’t realize it until you get home.
- People looking at you weird because you’re only wearing one earring. But you don’t know why they’re looking at you weird.
- Working through lunch, thinking of all the calories you just saved–and then binge eating the pantry when you get home.
- Running with my crazy-ass dog Ringo when he decides to take a sharp left turn right in front of me so I have to do a quasi-spastic almost-hurdle over his body to avoid face-planting on the asphalt.
- Being at a business conference where people take their jobs WAY too seriously.
- That ONE person who has to keep asking questions or making comments when the workshop is already over and people want to leave and go get lunch, dammit!
- When my sock slips off my heel and lodges under my instep while I’m exercising.
- When you use a public toilet, but it’s about a foot lower than you think it’s going to be and you fall onto the seat.
- Waving back at someone in the gym before realizing they weren’t waving at you. (Turn that wave into a ponytail check.)
(Oh, you weren’t waving at me? Awkward.)
- When you’re at work with two hours to go and you only have two things to do: a project that will take three hours or one that will take 20 minutes.
- Books that suck.
- Eating taffy. Having it pull a filling loose. Ditto for Bit o’ Honey.
- When you bring up a website where a LOUD video automatically starts playing–and you can’t find it to shut it off!
Tuesday. The red-headed stepchild of the work week. (No offense to redheads, stepchildren or work days.) If anything can make me insane, it’s Tuesday. Here are the things driving me crazy today:
- When my hard drive crashes and I have to share a computer with my husband for 2 weeks! Not cool.
- When cable shows only produce 10 episodes. That’s not a “season” that’s a mini-series, you lazy writers, actors, producers, etc.
(This is already over?!?!?)
- Having my hair dryer blow up when I’m getting ready for work.
- Going to work with wet hair.
- No one noticing my hair is wet. They just think I styled it with a whisk.
- Eating a rancid walnut.
- Getting to work and realizing I left my wallet at home.
- Not having change at work to purchase a Coke, a handful of Hot Tamales or a bag of Skittles.
- The way my pee smells after I eat asparagus.
- Having to untangle my headphones every. single. time.
- Wrinkly sheets.
- Unknowingly trying to use a coupon that expired two days ago.
- Having the Walmart cashier think you’re a criminal for trying to use an expired coupon.
- Talking to “service” agents in the customer call center when I need to order recovery disks for my stupid broken computer. I’d rather eat earthworms.
- Eating earthworms
- The hypocritical dilemma of loving a delicious steak–but loving animals, too. And hating killing.
- When I have to re-pierce my right ear lobe every time I wear earrings.
- That one bird, every day at 6 a.m., singing the same four notes over and over and over and over.
(Yes. Yes, I am.)
You are now free to carry on with your wonderful Tuesday. And by wonderful, I mean not wonderful.
Not only is it National Umbrella Day, it’s also Tuesday, the legislature is in session and it’s time for my list of Things Driving Me Crazy Today!
Today’s list includes:
- The Utah Legislature selecting a commemorative firearm each year. This year it’s a freakin’ AR-15 assault rifle. Welcome to the Wild West, @#$@%$s!
(Why make laws when we can shoot things instead?)
- Shaving off the first three layers of skin from my shins.
- People who keep talking about the “incredible cleanse” they’re doing. Shut up, already. Have a donut.
- Drivers who honk their horns before they run a red light. When did this become a thing?
- The Entertainment Awards Season. Yes, we know you’re incredibly beautiful, phenomenally talented and fantastically wealthy. Congratulations on giving yourselves an award.
(If the Lego cast wasn’t invited, it’s just not worth watching.)
- When you’re at the gym and someone near you farts, and you worry that people will think it’s you.
- Not winning the Idaho lottery.
- The Utah Legislature making national news for all the wrong reasons.
- When the pull-tab on a can breaks.
- Stabbing yourself with a knife while trying to open a can after the pull-tab breaks.
- Failing a Facebook personality quiz.
Which Country Fits Your Personality?
(I didn’t know “The Black Hole from the Gravity movie” was a country.)
- People who are still talking about the SuperBowl. Get over it. It’s a game.
- News agencies that post ISIS execution videos. Why don’t you just write the terrorists a check?
- Getting the wrong size straw for your drink.
- My husband’s compulsion to turn off lights.
- Sitting in the dark.
- Moisturizer that doesn’t make me look ten years younger.
- Did I mention the Utah Legislature?
That’s it. Feel free to carry on!
The holiday season is a blur of contradictions. On one hand, we’re celebrating the birth of a man who preached simple, humble living. On the other hand, we spend tons of money buying “As Seen On TV” crap for everyone we’ve ever met in our lives.
On Monday we’re dreaming of a White Christmas. And on Thursday we’re cursing in several languages as we shovel snow.
We’re just never happy. To continue that trend, here is my list of Holiday Things Driving Me Crazy:
- Getting “Simply Having a Wonderful Christmastime” stuck in my head for 12 consecutive days.
- Pinterest shame for not making everything homemade.
- The “Naughty List” blackmail scheme.
- Egg nog.
- Christmas specials featuring Lady Gaga, Michael Buble, One Direction or Nicki Minaj.
(Looks like someone skinned a Christmas elf.)
- Mr. Magoo’s Christmas Carol? Really??
- Peppermint-flavored Egg Nog.
- Children screaming at the mall.
- Eating “one more piece of toffee,” for eight straight hours.
- Perfect family Christmas newsletters.
(This is how serial killers are formed.)
- Christmas sweaters for dogs.
- Singing Christmas trees, guitar-playing Santas, tap-dancing penguins and caroling elves. Stop it.
- Being judge by a fat man in a red fur suit.
- Hearing “Jingle bells, Batman smells” over and over and over and over and over and over and over. . .
- Pumpkin spice-flavored Egg Nog.
(Let’s just say, Egg Not.)
Only 9 more days!! Enjoy what’s left of the season.
If Tuesday was a superhero, it would be StupidMan. Here’s what’s got my socks in a bunch this Tuesday:
- When you get out the toaster and the crumb tray opens and spills all over the floor.
- The man who drove down our street, driving with his left hand, and holding a baby in his right hand. Dumbass.
- Stepping in bread crumbs you haven’t swept up yet.
- Resealable packages with the “easy tear” opening that is not “easy” and does not “tear.” Or if it does tear, it rips too high to open the seal, or so low the seal won’t ever close again. Yeah, that.
- Peeps for any holiday except Easter.
(Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong.)
- Being weighed at my doctor appointment.
- Being told I need a mammogram and a tetanus shot. Yep, I’ll get right on that.
- 40 degrees outside.
- Reams and reams of full-size, heavy paper stock, political ads in my mailbox. You have too much money. No vote for you.
- The Neanderthal who almost changed lanes into the side of my car–and then flipped me off. Yeah, sorry about driving in my lane.
- Burning my forehead with a curling iron three days before a big event.
(Yeah, I guess it could have been worse.)
- The never-ending holiday sales emails from every merchant I’ve ever purchased anything from ever in my entire life.
- Already hearing “Silver Bells” too many times this year.
- Trying to figure out cheap, thrilling, most-wanted gifts for my grandkids. Lesson Learned: socks do not fall under “thrilling” or “most-wanted.”
- Not winning the Publisher’s Clearinghouse Sweepstakes. Again.
Happy Tuesday, all. Don’t forget to vote!
Didn’t we just survive Tuesday one week ago? It’s back already?
There are only two ways to keep it together on Tuesday: 1) Go back to bed, or 2) hear me whine about what’s driving me crazy today.
- Standing in line at Café Rio, silently practicing my order.
- When the dishwasher breaks and I think, that’s okay, washing dishes by hand is therapeutic. But two days later I’m just throwing plates and shit away because I hate washing dishes.
- 3 a.m.
- When my zipper comes unzipped at the bottom.
(You had one thing to do, zipper.)
- Running up the basement stairs so the monsters don’t get me. Still.
- Repeating a favorite song so many times that I start hating it.
- Not having time for a much-needed mental breakdown.
- Trying to pry apart an English muffin without smashing half of it. You couldn’t cut this thing all the way through?
(Damn, English sense of humor.)
- Knowing that explaining something really slowly to stupid people doesn’t make them understand it any better.
- Wishing the bottle of body wash would run out so I can use a new fragrance.
- Having music shame. Definition: Rocking out to Iggy Azalea at the gym. When someone asks what I’m listening to, I say Adele.
- Never finding my name on the personalized Coke bottles.
(I’m always just the friend.)
- Not knowing if I pulled a chest muscle, or if I’m experiencing heart failure.
- Never being quite sure what to do with my hands if someone’s talking to me while I’m standing up.
There. Now you can go back to bed!
I hope you crack your shins on the coffee table of life.
Here are the things driving me crazy today:
- Feeling like an uneducated redneck at the farmer’s market. Do vendors take classes in snobbishness?
- Trying on swimming suits. Tip to merchants: light dressing rooms with candles–not flickering fluorescent bulbs.
- Getting stuck in a swimming suit and standing in the horribly lit cubicle with my arms extended overhead with no way to remove the bathing suit top from my body.
- Hockey. Thank God the season is over–at least for a few weeks.
- Basketball. Thank God the season is over–at least for a few weeks.
- World Cup Soccer. Well, almost.
(When is the Quidditch World Cup?)
- Diets that suggest you cut out EVERYTHING except whey protein, almond milk, blueberries and eggs.
- Cutting out EVERYTHING except whey protein, almond milk, blueberries and eggs.
- Making a(n) hilarious, witty comment, and realizing (because people are looking at you weird) that you just said one of the Top 10 stupidest things of all time.
- Driving in the rain, and having no idea where the lines are in the road.
- When road crews re-paint the lines in the freeway, three feet away from the original lines–so now there dashed lines everywhere and you have no idea where to drive.
- Make-up companies messing around with mascara wands.
(Just waiting for Tom Sawyer to paint my eyelashes.)
- People who break beer bottles at parks, leaving shards of glass for dogs and kids to step on. These glass litterbugs should be punched in the liver.
- When I realize I’m humming along to my iPod at the gym.
- Grass growing in my flower beds.
- You think you’re alone in a public bathroom, and start talking to yourself. The lady who walks out of the far stall avoids looking directly at you as she washes her hands, and quickly leaves the restroom. Not that I did that. Nope.
Maybe next Tuesday will be great!!
From coaching my daughters’ softball teams to watching the SF Giants win the series, baseball is a way to kick back and relax. Well, except the coaching part. That’s just nuts.
(Idyllic, right? Except for all the people.)
But, as with everything else . . . people ruin s***. The hubbie and I thought we’d catch a Bees game, hoping to watch major leaguer Josh Hamilton who has been rehabbing in the great city of Salt Lake. We bought tickets, then sat back to watch the game on a beautiful spring evening.
IMMEDIATELY, people began ruining s***. Here are the things driving me crazy at the ball game:
- The man in front of me. He was eating a hot dog. Only not just any hot dog. This hot dog was smothered in so much crap, that it dripped onto his beard, shirt, lap and many of the surrounding spectators. I was mesmerized. I couldn’t look away as he shoved the disgusting ball game delicacy into his pie hole. Plus, I could hear him chewing.
- No 10-run rule. The first inning lasted FOREVER, because the Bees don’t do defense.
(Please, have another home run, visiting team.)
- People in general. We were situated in our uncomfortable seats, when the lady four seats down had to get up and buy beer. So we all stood up to let her through. Then she had to climb back to her seat. More standing. And then go get more beer, which meant more standing. Add the fact she was drunker and slushier each time she stumbled by us. It was like Catholic mass: standing, sitting, standing, sitting (and praying for the Bees to do something).
- Kids at the ball game. A baseball game is no place for children. Once they finish their chicken fingers (the top of the first inning) they whine, beg, fight, beg, whine and fight for the remainder of the game.
(Yes, we know you’re bored. We get it. Shut up.)
- The mother of these children. If you take your kids to a ball game and expect them to sit still for three hours, you are insane. DO NOT yell at your kids for being bored. DO NOT yell at your kids for begging repeatedly for cotton candy, soda, popcorn, ice cream, etc. You knew what to expect when you brought the rugrats.
- The man in front of me, part 2. Once Hot Dog man finished hunching over his ballpark repast, he sat up straight, and I realized he was just a little shorter than Godzilla. We were sitting behind home plate, so I couldn’t see the pitcher, the batter, second base or center field. So I grabbed some paper and started writing a blog.
- Food. The only time I eat a hot dog is when I’m in a ball park or being tortured at girl’s camp. But shelling out $20 for 2 hot dogs, 2 drinks and bags of chips seemed a leeeetle steep. Plus, the line was so long we missed an entire inning while the ADHD serving staff tried to fill orders.
- Josh Hamilton. The professional outfielder has been sidelined due to an injury, but he hurt his thumb Thursday night–and didn’t even play on Saturday. He returns to the Angels this week.
All that for nothing.