Let’s see. So much to choose from. Between the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse Election 2016 and the upcoming Catastrophonic Winter, there’s no end to what’s driving me crazy.
But to spare you hours of reading time, I narrowed it down to these:
- When I wake up five minutes before the alarm goes off.
- When I realize the tag in my shirt keeps sticking out because my shirt is on backwards.
- Taking spoons out of the garbage disposal. (AAACCKK!! Must wash my hands with bleach!!!!)
- Anything with the name Trump or Hillary.
- Trying to throw together a Halloween costume with trash bags, Kleenex and Scotch tape.
- When I have a zit near my nose that looks like a booger.
- People who aren’t registered to vote who bitch about the election.
- Commercials with CGI characters.
- When I can’t fast-forward through commercials.
- When I eat my last piece of hidden chocolate.
- Sticky floors.
- People who talk to me while staring at my hairline. Look in my eyes, dammit!
- Hot chocolate that isn’t hot.
Hopefully, we don’t experience any of this stuff today–but it IS Tuesday . . .
Tuesday. The smelly, unshaven armpit of the week. Here’s the first list of Things Driving Me Crazy in 2016.
- When I walk 15 flights of stairs (because Fitbit) but my gadget only counts nine flights.
- People who don’t shovel snow off their sidewalks and now that snow has turned into mini ice glaciers that I have to climb over when walking Ringo.
- College football.
- Falling off my chair at work. (I wasn’t even drunk!)
- People bragging about keeping their New Year’s resolutions. It’s been 12 days. TWELVE days.
- Not being $900 million richer. Thanks, Powerball.
- Eating something, not because it’s delicious, but because it’s there.
- Sneezing at work. Ten times in a row.
- Writing a freakin’ brilliant blog that nobody reads.
- Not having a personal chef.
- Driving to work in the dark. Driving home from work in the dark. (I just assume the sun rises at some point during the day.)
- The yogurt war between Chobani and Dannon. Isn’t yogurt supposed to be the Gandhi of dairy products?
- Finishing Terry Pratchett’s final book. This isn’t driving me crazy. Just making me sad.
(The world just got a little less funny. RIP Sir Pratchett.)
Hopefully, your Tuesday can now continue crazy-free.
I realized it’s been a while since I’ve posted a Things Driving Me Crazy Today blog. Does that mean I’m more tolerant of the insane behavior around me? Nope. It just means I’ve been living in frustrated anguish, but once I vomit-blog my list I’ll feel much better.
Here are the Things Driving Me Crazy Today (and by “today” I mean anytime during the last four decades):
- When you lose one earring but don’t realize it until you get home.
- People looking at you weird because you’re only wearing one earring. But you don’t know why they’re looking at you weird.
- Working through lunch, thinking of all the calories you just saved–and then binge eating the pantry when you get home.
- Running with my crazy-ass dog Ringo when he decides to take a sharp left turn right in front of me so I have to do a quasi-spastic almost-hurdle over his body to avoid face-planting on the asphalt.
- Being at a business conference where people take their jobs WAY too seriously.
- That ONE person who has to keep asking questions or making comments when the workshop is already over and people want to leave and go get lunch, dammit!
- When my sock slips off my heel and lodges under my instep while I’m exercising.
- When you use a public toilet, but it’s about a foot lower than you think it’s going to be and you fall onto the seat.
- Waving back at someone in the gym before realizing they weren’t waving at you. (Turn that wave into a ponytail check.)
(Oh, you weren’t waving at me? Awkward.)
- When you’re at work with two hours to go and you only have two things to do: a project that will take three hours or one that will take 20 minutes.
- Books that suck.
- Eating taffy. Having it pull a filling loose. Ditto for Bit o’ Honey.
- When you bring up a website where a LOUD video automatically starts playing–and you can’t find it to shut it off!
Tuesday. The red-headed stepchild of the work week. (No offense to redheads, stepchildren or work days.) If anything can make me insane, it’s Tuesday. Here are the things driving me crazy today:
- When my hard drive crashes and I have to share a computer with my husband for 2 weeks! Not cool.
- When cable shows only produce 10 episodes. That’s not a “season” that’s a mini-series, you lazy writers, actors, producers, etc.
(This is already over?!?!?)
- Having my hair dryer blow up when I’m getting ready for work.
- Going to work with wet hair.
- No one noticing my hair is wet. They just think I styled it with a whisk.
- Eating a rancid walnut.
- Getting to work and realizing I left my wallet at home.
- Not having change at work to purchase a Coke, a handful of Hot Tamales or a bag of Skittles.
- The way my pee smells after I eat asparagus.
- Having to untangle my headphones every. single. time.
- Wrinkly sheets.
- Unknowingly trying to use a coupon that expired two days ago.
- Having the Walmart cashier think you’re a criminal for trying to use an expired coupon.
- Talking to “service” agents in the customer call center when I need to order recovery disks for my stupid broken computer. I’d rather eat earthworms.
- Eating earthworms
- The hypocritical dilemma of loving a delicious steak–but loving animals, too. And hating killing.
- When I have to re-pierce my right ear lobe every time I wear earrings.
- That one bird, every day at 6 a.m., singing the same four notes over and over and over and over.
(Yes. Yes, I am.)
You are now free to carry on with your wonderful Tuesday. And by wonderful, I mean not wonderful.
Not only is it National Umbrella Day, it’s also Tuesday, the legislature is in session and it’s time for my list of Things Driving Me Crazy Today!
Today’s list includes:
- The Utah Legislature selecting a commemorative firearm each year. This year it’s a freakin’ AR-15 assault rifle. Welcome to the Wild West, @#$@%$s!
(Why make laws when we can shoot things instead?)
- Shaving off the first three layers of skin from my shins.
- People who keep talking about the “incredible cleanse” they’re doing. Shut up, already. Have a donut.
- Drivers who honk their horns before they run a red light. When did this become a thing?
- The Entertainment Awards Season. Yes, we know you’re incredibly beautiful, phenomenally talented and fantastically wealthy. Congratulations on giving yourselves an award.
(If the Lego cast wasn’t invited, it’s just not worth watching.)
- When you’re at the gym and someone near you farts, and you worry that people will think it’s you.
- Not winning the Idaho lottery.
- The Utah Legislature making national news for all the wrong reasons.
- When the pull-tab on a can breaks.
- Stabbing yourself with a knife while trying to open a can after the pull-tab breaks.
- Failing a Facebook personality quiz.
Which Country Fits Your Personality?
(I didn’t know “The Black Hole from the Gravity movie” was a country.)
- People who are still talking about the SuperBowl. Get over it. It’s a game.
- News agencies that post ISIS execution videos. Why don’t you just write the terrorists a check?
- Getting the wrong size straw for your drink.
- My husband’s compulsion to turn off lights.
- Sitting in the dark.
- Moisturizer that doesn’t make me look ten years younger.
- Did I mention the Utah Legislature?
That’s it. Feel free to carry on!
The holiday season is a blur of contradictions. On one hand, we’re celebrating the birth of a man who preached simple, humble living. On the other hand, we spend tons of money buying “As Seen On TV” crap for everyone we’ve ever met in our lives.
On Monday we’re dreaming of a White Christmas. And on Thursday we’re cursing in several languages as we shovel snow.
We’re just never happy. To continue that trend, here is my list of Holiday Things Driving Me Crazy:
- Getting “Simply Having a Wonderful Christmastime” stuck in my head for 12 consecutive days.
- Pinterest shame for not making everything homemade.
- The “Naughty List” blackmail scheme.
- Egg nog.
- Christmas specials featuring Lady Gaga, Michael Buble, One Direction or Nicki Minaj.
(Looks like someone skinned a Christmas elf.)
- Mr. Magoo’s Christmas Carol? Really??
- Peppermint-flavored Egg Nog.
- Children screaming at the mall.
- Eating “one more piece of toffee,” for eight straight hours.
- Perfect family Christmas newsletters.
(This is how serial killers are formed.)
- Christmas sweaters for dogs.
- Singing Christmas trees, guitar-playing Santas, tap-dancing penguins and caroling elves. Stop it.
- Being judge by a fat man in a red fur suit.
- Hearing “Jingle bells, Batman smells” over and over and over and over and over and over and over. . .
- Pumpkin spice-flavored Egg Nog.
(Let’s just say, Egg Not.)
Only 9 more days!! Enjoy what’s left of the season.
If Tuesday was a superhero, it would be StupidMan. Here’s what’s got my socks in a bunch this Tuesday:
- When you get out the toaster and the crumb tray opens and spills all over the floor.
- The man who drove down our street, driving with his left hand, and holding a baby in his right hand. Dumbass.
- Stepping in bread crumbs you haven’t swept up yet.
- Resealable packages with the “easy tear” opening that is not “easy” and does not “tear.” Or if it does tear, it rips too high to open the seal, or so low the seal won’t ever close again. Yeah, that.
- Peeps for any holiday except Easter.
(Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong.)
- Being weighed at my doctor appointment.
- Being told I need a mammogram and a tetanus shot. Yep, I’ll get right on that.
- 40 degrees outside.
- Reams and reams of full-size, heavy paper stock, political ads in my mailbox. You have too much money. No vote for you.
- The Neanderthal who almost changed lanes into the side of my car–and then flipped me off. Yeah, sorry about driving in my lane.
- Burning my forehead with a curling iron three days before a big event.
(Yeah, I guess it could have been worse.)
- The never-ending holiday sales emails from every merchant I’ve ever purchased anything from ever in my entire life.
- Already hearing “Silver Bells” too many times this year.
- Trying to figure out cheap, thrilling, most-wanted gifts for my grandkids. Lesson Learned: socks do not fall under “thrilling” or “most-wanted.”
- Not winning the Publisher’s Clearinghouse Sweepstakes. Again.
Happy Tuesday, all. Don’t forget to vote!