I realized it’s been a while since I’ve posted a Things Driving Me Crazy Today blog. Does that mean I’m more tolerant of the insane behavior around me? Nope. It just means I’ve been living in frustrated anguish, but once I vomit-blog my list I’ll feel much better.
Here are the Things Driving Me Crazy Today (and by “today” I mean anytime during the last four decades):
When you lose one earring but don’t realize it until you get home.
People looking at you weird because you’re only wearing one earring. But you don’t know why they’re looking at you weird.
Working through lunch, thinking of all the calories you just saved–and then binge eating the pantry when you get home.
Running with my crazy-ass dog Ringo when he decides to take a sharp left turn right in front of me so I have to do a quasi-spastic almost-hurdle over his body to avoid face-planting on the asphalt.
Being at a business conference where people take their jobs WAY too seriously.
That ONE person who has to keep asking questions or making comments when the workshop is already over and people want to leave and go get lunch, dammit!
When my sock slips off my heel and lodges under my instep while I’m exercising.
When you use a public toilet, but it’s about a foot lower than you think it’s going to be and you fall onto the seat.
Waving back at someone in the gym before realizing they weren’t waving at you. (Turn that wave into a ponytail check.)
(Oh, you weren’t waving at me? Awkward.)
When you’re at work with two hours to go and you only have two things to do: a project that will take three hours or one that will take 20 minutes.
Books that suck.
Eating taffy. Having it pull a filling loose. Ditto for Bit o’ Honey.
When you bring up a website where a LOUD video automatically starts playing–and you can’t find it to shut it off!
The holiday season is a blur of contradictions. On one hand, we’re celebrating the birth of a man who preached simple, humble living. On the other hand, we spend tons of money buying “As Seen On TV” crap for everyone we’ve ever met in our lives.
On Monday we’re dreaming of a White Christmas. And on Thursday we’re cursing in several languages as we shovel snow.
We’re just never happy. To continue that trend, here is my list of Holiday Things Driving Me Crazy:
Getting “Simply Having a Wonderful Christmastime” stuck in my head for 12 consecutive days.
Pinterest shame for not making everything homemade.
The “Naughty List” blackmail scheme.
Christmas specials featuring Lady Gaga, Michael Buble, One Direction or Nicki Minaj.
(Looks like someone skinned a Christmas elf.)
Mr. Magoo’s Christmas Carol? Really??
Peppermint-flavored Egg Nog.
Children screaming at the mall.
Eating “one more piece of toffee,” for eight straight hours.
Perfect family Christmas newsletters.
(This is how serial killers are formed.)
Christmas sweaters for dogs.
Singing Christmas trees, guitar-playing Santas, tap-dancing penguins and caroling elves. Stop it.
Being judge by a fat man in a red fur suit.
Hearing “Jingle bells, Batman smells” over and over and over and over and over and over and over. . .
Pumpkin spice-flavored Egg Nog.
(Let’s just say, Egg Not.)
Only 9 more days!! Enjoy what’s left of the season.
I hope you crack your shins on the coffee table of life.
Here are the things driving me crazy today:
Feeling like an uneducated redneck at the farmer’s market. Do vendors take classes in snobbishness?
Trying on swimming suits. Tip to merchants: light dressing rooms with candles–not flickering fluorescent bulbs.
Getting stuck in a swimming suit and standing in the horribly lit cubicle with my arms extended overhead with no way to remove the bathing suit top from my body.
Hockey. Thank God the season is over–at least for a few weeks.
Basketball. Thank God the season is over–at least for a few weeks.
World Cup Soccer. Well, almost.
(When is the Quidditch World Cup?)
Diets that suggest you cut out EVERYTHING except whey protein, almond milk, blueberries and eggs.
Cutting out EVERYTHING except whey protein, almond milk, blueberries and eggs.
Making a(n) hilarious, witty comment, and realizing (because people are looking at you weird) that you just said one of the Top 10 stupidest things of all time.
Driving in the rain, and having no idea where the lines are in the road.
When road crews re-paint the lines in the freeway, three feet away from the original lines–so now there dashed lines everywhere and you have no idea where to drive.
Make-up companies messing around with mascara wands.
(Just waiting for Tom Sawyer to paint my eyelashes.)
People who break beer bottles at parks, leaving shards of glass for dogs and kids to step on. These glass litterbugs should be punched in the liver.
When I realize I’m humming along to my iPod at the gym.
Grass growing in my flower beds.
You think you’re alone in a public bathroom, and start talking to yourself. The lady who walks out of the far stall avoids looking directly at you as she washes her hands, and quickly leaves the restroom. Not that I did that. Nope.
From coaching my daughters’ softball teams to watching the SF Giants win the series, baseball is a way to kick back and relax. Well, except the coaching part. That’s just nuts.
(Idyllic, right? Except for all the people.)
But, as with everything else . . . people ruin s***. The hubbie and I thought we’d catch a Bees game, hoping to watch major leaguer Josh Hamilton who has been rehabbing in the great city of Salt Lake. We bought tickets, then sat back to watch the game on a beautiful spring evening.
IMMEDIATELY, people began ruining s***. Here are the things driving me crazy at the ball game:
The man in front of me. He was eating a hot dog. Only not just any hot dog. This hot dog was smothered in so much crap, that it dripped onto his beard, shirt, lap and many of the surrounding spectators. I was mesmerized. I couldn’t look away as he shoved the disgusting ball game delicacy into his pie hole. Plus, I could hear him chewing.
No 10-run rule. The first inning lasted FOREVER, because the Bees don’t do defense.
(Please, have another home run, visiting team.)
People in general. We were situated in our uncomfortable seats, when the lady four seats down had to get up and buy beer. So we all stood up to let her through. Then she had to climb back to her seat. More standing. And then go get more beer, which meant more standing. Add the fact she was drunker and slushier each time she stumbled by us. It was like Catholic mass: standing, sitting, standing, sitting (and praying for the Bees to do something).
Kids at the ball game. A baseball game is no place for children. Once they finish their chicken fingers (the top of the first inning) they whine, beg, fight, beg, whine and fight for the remainder of the game.
(Yes, we know you’re bored. We get it. Shut up.)
The mother of these children. If you take your kids to a ball game and expect them to sit still for three hours, you are insane. DO NOT yell at your kids for being bored. DO NOT yell at your kids for begging repeatedly for cotton candy, soda, popcorn, ice cream, etc. You knew what to expect when you brought the rugrats.
The man in front of me, part 2. Once Hot Dog man finished hunching over his ballpark repast, he sat up straight, and I realized he was just a little shorter than Godzilla. We were sitting behind home plate, so I couldn’t see the pitcher, the batter, second base or center field. So I grabbed some paper and started writing a blog.
Food. The only time I eat a hot dog is when I’m in a ball park or being tortured at girl’s camp. But shelling out $20 for 2 hot dogs, 2 drinks and bags of chips seemed a leeeetle steep. Plus, the line was so long we missed an entire inning while the ADHD serving staff tried to fill orders.
Josh Hamilton. The professional outfielder has been sidelined due to an injury, but he hurt his thumb Thursday night–and didn’t even play on Saturday. He returns to the Angels this week.