The holiday season is a blur of contradictions. On one hand, we’re celebrating the birth of a man who preached simple, humble living. On the other hand, we spend tons of money buying “As Seen On TV” crap for everyone we’ve ever met in our lives.

On Monday we’re dreaming of a White Christmas. And on Thursday we’re cursing in several languages as we shovel snow.

We’re just never happy. To continue that trend, here is my list of Holiday Things Driving Me Crazy:

• Getting “Simply Having a Wonderful Christmastime” stuck in my head for 12 consecutive days.
• Pinterest shame for not making everything homemade.
• The “Naughty List” blackmail scheme.
• Egg nog.
• Christmas specials featuring Lady Gaga, Michael Buble, One Direction or Nicki Minaj.

(Looks like someone skinned a Christmas elf.)

• Mr. Magoo’s Christmas Carol? Really??
• Peppermint-flavored Egg Nog.
• Children screaming at the mall.
• Eating “one more piece of toffee,” for eight straight hours.
• Perfect family Christmas newsletters.

(This is how serial killers are formed.)

• Christmas sweaters for dogs.
• Singing Christmas trees, guitar-playing Santas, tap-dancing penguins and caroling elves. Stop it.
• Being judge by a fat man in a red fur suit.
• Hearing “Jingle bells, Batman smells” over and over and over and over and over and over and over. . .
• Pumpkin spice-flavored Egg Nog.

(Let’s just say, Egg Not.)

Only 9 more days!! Enjoy what’s left of the season.