birds

April 7, 2015

Things Driving Me Crazy Today

Tuesday. The red-headed stepchild of the work week. (No offense to redheads, stepchildren or work days.) If anything can make me insane, it’s Tuesday. Here are the things driving me crazy today:

  • When my hard drive crashes and I have to share a computer with my husband for 2 weeks! Not cool.
  • When cable shows only produce 10 episodes. That’s not a “season” that’s a mini-series, you lazy writers, actors, producers, etc.

Better-Call-Saul1(This is already over?!?!?)

  • Having my hair dryer blow up when I’m getting ready for work.
  • Going to work with wet hair.
  • No one noticing my hair is wet. They just think I styled it with a whisk.
  • Eating a rancid walnut.
  • Getting to work and realizing I left my wallet at home.
  • Not having change at work to purchase a Coke, a handful of Hot Tamales or a bag of Skittles.
  • The way my pee smells after I eat asparagus.
  • Having to untangle my headphones every. single. time.

headphones

  • Wrinkly sheets.
  • Unknowingly trying to use a coupon that expired two days ago.
  • Having the Walmart cashier think you’re a criminal for trying to use an expired coupon.
  • Talking to “service” agents in the customer call center when I need to order recovery disks for my stupid broken computer. I’d rather eat earthworms.
  • Eating earthworms
  • The hypocritical dilemma of loving a delicious steak–but loving animals, too. And hating killing.
  • When I have to re-pierce my right ear lobe every time I wear earrings.
  • That one bird, every day at 6 a.m., singing the same four notes over and over and over and over.

angry

(Yes. Yes, I am.)

You are now free to carry on with your wonderful Tuesday. And by wonderful, I mean not wonderful.

December 11, 2013

A Martha Stewart Christmas

Martha Stewart and I could be twins. She’d be the perfect, talented twin, and I’d be the evil, slightly disturbed counterpart who tried to eat her in the womb. We just have SO much in common.

I picked up the latest Martha Stewart Living magazine at the library (I’m not paying for that) and found her holiday calendar in the front of the publication. I was amazed at how similar our Decembers were with all the parties and decorating and such. Here’s a few examples of our activities that are eerily identical:

Dec. 4: Martha flew to Canada to speak at the Fort McMurray Public Library.

Dec. 4: I picked up this magazine at the Kearns Public Library,

msliving

(Uncanny.)

Dec. 10: Martha will stake the tomatoes in her vegetable greenhouse. (That’s darling.)

Dec. 10: I will clean the black, mushy tomatoes out of my vegetable bin.

(See what I mean. Twins.)

Dec. 17: Martha checks her back-up generators to ensure she’ll have electricity in the event of a winter storm and power outage.

Dec. 17: After the power goes out from the latest storm, I will gather all the birthday candles I can find and try to strike a match on the kitchen counter because I’ve lost the striking surface from the box.

Dec. 22: Jude and Truman stop by to make holiday cookies with Martha

Dec. 22: I contact E-Z Restore to fix the damage done to my home during my Christmas Cookie event with the grandkids.

Dec. 24: Today, Martha finishes decorating and cooking for her Christmas brunch. Her menu includes–Oysters with mignonette (?), Buckwheat crepes with mushroom filling (o. . k . . ), Creamed spinach with poached eggs (really??) and ham with lingonberry jam. (I need Rolaids just reading this menu.)

Dec. 24: I frantically shop for last minute gifts. At Walgreens.

walgreens(Selling tape and cheap toys 24 hours a day.)

Dec. 25: “Christmas brunch with family and friends–and caroling, of course.”

Dec. 25: Collapse in a holiday heap under the tree with a bottle of Patron.

Dec. 27: Martha remembers the birds this season, and makes birdseed pinecones with Jade and Truman. (Who the hell are Jade and Truman?)

Dec. 27: Christmas is over, people!!! I’m not doing anything else. Feed your own damn selves, birds.

birds(I don’t think they like your pinecones, Martha.)

Dec. 31: Martha finds room for improvement as she makes her list of 2014 resolutions!

Dec. 31: Screw it all. I’ll be in bed by 10.