Tuesday. The red-headed stepchild of the work week. (No offense to redheads, stepchildren or work days.) If anything can make me insane, it’s Tuesday. Here are the things driving me crazy today:
- When my hard drive crashes and I have to share a computer with my husband for 2 weeks! Not cool.
- When cable shows only produce 10 episodes. That’s not a “season” that’s a mini-series, you lazy writers, actors, producers, etc.
(This is already over?!?!?)
- Having my hair dryer blow up when I’m getting ready for work.
- Going to work with wet hair.
- No one noticing my hair is wet. They just think I styled it with a whisk.
- Eating a rancid walnut.
- Getting to work and realizing I left my wallet at home.
- Not having change at work to purchase a Coke, a handful of Hot Tamales or a bag of Skittles.
- The way my pee smells after I eat asparagus.
- Having to untangle my headphones every. single. time.
- Wrinkly sheets.
- Unknowingly trying to use a coupon that expired two days ago.
- Having the Walmart cashier think you’re a criminal for trying to use an expired coupon.
- Talking to “service” agents in the customer call center when I need to order recovery disks for my stupid broken computer. I’d rather eat earthworms.
- Eating earthworms
- The hypocritical dilemma of loving a delicious steak–but loving animals, too. And hating killing.
- When I have to re-pierce my right ear lobe every time I wear earrings.
- That one bird, every day at 6 a.m., singing the same four notes over and over and over and over.
(Yes. Yes, I am.)
You are now free to carry on with your wonderful Tuesday. And by wonderful, I mean not wonderful.
Didn’t we just survive Tuesday one week ago? It’s back already?
There are only two ways to keep it together on Tuesday: 1) Go back to bed, or 2) hear me whine about what’s driving me crazy today.
- Standing in line at Café Rio, silently practicing my order.
- When the dishwasher breaks and I think, that’s okay, washing dishes by hand is therapeutic. But two days later I’m just throwing plates and shit away because I hate washing dishes.
- 3 a.m.
- When my zipper comes unzipped at the bottom.
(You had one thing to do, zipper.)
- Running up the basement stairs so the monsters don’t get me. Still.
- Repeating a favorite song so many times that I start hating it.
- Not having time for a much-needed mental breakdown.
- Trying to pry apart an English muffin without smashing half of it. You couldn’t cut this thing all the way through?
(Damn, English sense of humor.)
- Knowing that explaining something really slowly to stupid people doesn’t make them understand it any better.
- Wishing the bottle of body wash would run out so I can use a new fragrance.
- Having music shame. Definition: Rocking out to Iggy Azalea at the gym. When someone asks what I’m listening to, I say Adele.
- Never finding my name on the personalized Coke bottles.
(I’m always just the friend.)
- Not knowing if I pulled a chest muscle, or if I’m experiencing heart failure.
- Never being quite sure what to do with my hands if someone’s talking to me while I’m standing up.
There. Now you can go back to bed!
I hope you crack your shins on the coffee table of life.
Here are the things driving me crazy today:
- Feeling like an uneducated redneck at the farmer’s market. Do vendors take classes in snobbishness?
- Trying on swimming suits. Tip to merchants: light dressing rooms with candles–not flickering fluorescent bulbs.
- Getting stuck in a swimming suit and standing in the horribly lit cubicle with my arms extended overhead with no way to remove the bathing suit top from my body.
- Hockey. Thank God the season is over–at least for a few weeks.
- Basketball. Thank God the season is over–at least for a few weeks.
- World Cup Soccer. Well, almost.
(When is the Quidditch World Cup?)
- Diets that suggest you cut out EVERYTHING except whey protein, almond milk, blueberries and eggs.
- Cutting out EVERYTHING except whey protein, almond milk, blueberries and eggs.
- Making a(n) hilarious, witty comment, and realizing (because people are looking at you weird) that you just said one of the Top 10 stupidest things of all time.
- Driving in the rain, and having no idea where the lines are in the road.
- When road crews re-paint the lines in the freeway, three feet away from the original lines–so now there dashed lines everywhere and you have no idea where to drive.
- Make-up companies messing around with mascara wands.
(Just waiting for Tom Sawyer to paint my eyelashes.)
- People who break beer bottles at parks, leaving shards of glass for dogs and kids to step on. These glass litterbugs should be punched in the liver.
- When I realize I’m humming along to my iPod at the gym.
- Grass growing in my flower beds.
- You think you’re alone in a public bathroom, and start talking to yourself. The lady who walks out of the far stall avoids looking directly at you as she washes her hands, and quickly leaves the restroom. Not that I did that. Nope.
Maybe next Tuesday will be great!!
Ah, Tuesday. That day between Monday and Wednesday that is as obnoxious as a 2-year-old with a megaphone. Besides having to get out of bed this morning, here are several other things driving me crazy today:
- Slobbering toothpaste onto my workout clothes. I’ve only been brushing my teeth for four decades. You’d think I’d figure it out.
- The end of pomegranate season. NO!!!*
- Eating TWO healthy meals in a row, and not losing any weight.
- Logging off the computer, and then remembering what I was supposed to look up.
- Having to flush the toilet more than once, and trying to flush it “quietly” the second time.
- People with a positive outlook.
- My favorite mascara being discontinued.
- Disappointing novels.
- That feeling you get right when you finish your fourth Twinkie and think, “I should have had an apple.”
- People who want me to smile at the camera.
(I am smiling.)
- Not being independently wealthy.
- TV shows with “seasons” only 10 episodes long. That’s not a “season,” it’s a “mini-series.”
- Forgetting to buy Girl Scout cookies.
- Realizing it’s April Fool’s Day halfway through the day, and thinking of a really funny blog that will have to wait until next year.
*I will gladly fork out $15 for the last pomegranate.
Another Tuesday has rolled around, and like all Tuesdays, I just want to sleep until it’s over. If I get out of bed, something bad will happen. I’ll break my toenail, get an unexpected bill in the mail, misplace the dog or end up dangling off a cliff somewhere in the Andes.
(How did this happen? Oh, right. It’s Tuesday.)
No matter how my day starts, by Tuesday night I’m a heap o’ mess.
So I’ve created a list of reasons I can stay in bed today–guilt-free! (Or as guilt-free as a mother/wife/employee can ever stay in bed without a terminal illness.)
- I’m afraid if I’ll get out of bed, I’ll see my shadow and have to stay awake for six straight weeks.
- If I leave the house, I’ll have to talk to people.
- I need to sulk for a while.
(I’ll stop sulking when it’s Wednesday.)
- I have a new book/magazine/blog/newspaper to read!
- There are too many dirty clothes to deal with if I get up.
- If I get out of bed, someone’s going to want something.
- It’s snowing. In April. In Utah.
- If I stay in bed, maybe someone will think I’m sick and bring me dinner.
- I’m just copying my dog.
(Dog days of Tuesday.)
It’s Tuesday. ’nuff said.
Ah, Tuesday. That horrible day between Monday and Wednesday that comes around every seven days. The day I get irked more than any other day of the week. Here are things making my crazy list today:
- That little plastic scoop found in baby formula. It’s always buried at the bottom of the can and the formula sticks to my wet fingers as I try to dig the scoop out. Isn’t there a better way?
- People who think “No Left Turn” doesn’t apply to them and back up traffic while pissing everyone off.
- Those stupid, stupid sponge eyeshadow applicators that eventually fall off the stick and down into the drain of my bathroom sink.
- Realizing I just said something completely off-the-wall and people are looking at me funny while slowly backing away.
- Political campaigns. With the PACs creating doomsday ads and pundits spinning every quote until I’m seasick, let’s just call the whole thing off.
(How ’bout we choose our elected officials “Hunger Games” style?)
- The fact that mini-Snickers bars still have calories. Uncool.
- When I’m drinking ice water at a restaurant and the ice sloshes forward and splashes water all down the front of my shirt.
- Why is it that whenever I go to my doctor, they have just “updated their computer system” and need me to fill out ALL my medical history again? It doesn’t matter if it’s been a year or two weeks–they’ve got me fillin’ out the paperwork.
- Halloween costumes that cost more than a new outfit from Macy’s. Really? A piece of cheap fabric and a string of plastic beads is $49.99?
On Tuesdays, things seem to perturb me much more quickly. No reason. Just Tuesday.
Here’s my latest list of head-banging-against-the-wall-of-life situations:
- Trying to save gas by not running the AC in the car, only to arrive at my business meeting with my silk shirt stuck to my back.
- People who call and leave loooooooong, meandering, pointless voice messages, restating their question/comment/complaint over and over and over and over and over. AAAAARRRRGGGGHHH!!!
- Dealing with health insurance companies. (“We know you’re paying overpriced premiums, but we don’t cover that procedure.”)
- My psychopath neighbor mowing his lawn at 6 a.m.
- My psychopath neighbor who starts up his diesel-engine truck at 5:30 a.m. and lets it idle for 20 minutes.
- Drivers who come to a COMPLETE STOP when making a right hand turn.
- The idea that car headlights need big fake eyelashes. (Do you have to buy car mascara?)
- People who talk into their iPhones like they’re eating a piece of pizza. How did this start? Who can we blame?