Things Driving Me Crazy Today

Didn’t we just survive Tuesday one week ago? It’s back already?

There are only two ways to keep it together on Tuesday: 1) Go back to bed, or 2) hear me whine about what’s driving me crazy today.

  • Standing in line at Café Rio, silently practicing my order.
  • When the dishwasher breaks and I think, that’s okay, washing dishes by hand is therapeutic. But two days later I’m just throwing plates and shit away because I hate washing dishes.
  • 3 a.m.
  • When my zipper comes unzipped at the bottom.

zipper

(You had one thing to do, zipper.)

  • Running up the basement stairs so the monsters don’t get me. Still.
  • Repeating a favorite song so many times that I start hating it.
  • Not having time for a much-needed mental breakdown.
  • Trying to pry apart an English muffin without smashing half of it.  You couldn’t cut this thing all the way through?

English

(Damn, English sense of humor.)

  • Knowing that explaining something really slowly to stupid people doesn’t make them understand it any better.
  • Wishing the bottle of body wash would run out so I can use a new fragrance.
  • Having music shame. Definition: Rocking out to Iggy Azalea at the gym. When someone asks what I’m listening to, I say Adele.
  • Never finding my name on the personalized Coke bottles.

friend

(I’m always just the friend.)

  • Not knowing if I pulled a chest muscle, or if I’m experiencing heart failure.
  • Never being quite sure what to do with my hands if someone’s talking to me while I’m standing up.
  • Avocados.

There. Now you can go back to bed!

Things Driving Me Crazy Today

tuesday

Dear Tuesday,

I hope you crack your shins on the coffee table of life.

Here are the things driving me crazy today:

  • Feeling like an uneducated redneck at the farmer’s market. Do vendors take classes in snobbishness?
  • Trying on swimming suits. Tip to merchants: light dressing rooms with candles–not flickering fluorescent bulbs.
  • Getting stuck in a swimming suit and standing in the horribly lit cubicle with my arms extended overhead with no way to remove the bathing suit top from my body.
  • Hockey. Thank God the season is over–at least for a few weeks.
  • Basketball. Thank God the season is over–at least for a few weeks.
  • World Cup Soccer. Well, almost.

quidditch

(When is the Quidditch World Cup?)

  • Diets that suggest you cut out EVERYTHING except whey protein, almond milk, blueberries and eggs.
  • Cutting out EVERYTHING except whey protein, almond milk, blueberries and eggs.
  • Making a(n) hilarious, witty comment, and realizing (because people are looking at you weird) that you just said one of the Top 10 stupidest things of all time.
  • Driving in the rain, and having no idea where the lines are in the road.
  • When road crews re-paint the lines in the freeway, three feet away from the original lines–so now there dashed lines everywhere and you have no idea where to drive.
  • Make-up companies messing around with mascara wands.

avon mascara

(Just waiting for Tom Sawyer to paint my eyelashes.)

  • People who break beer bottles at parks, leaving shards of glass for dogs and kids to step on. These glass litterbugs should be punched in the liver.
  • When I realize I’m humming along to my iPod at the gym.
  • Grass growing in my flower beds.
  • You think you’re alone in a public bathroom, and start talking to yourself. The lady who walks out of the far stall avoids looking directly at you as she washes her hands, and quickly leaves the restroom. Not that I did that. Nope.

Maybe next Tuesday will be great!!

Top 5 Things Driving Me Crazy At The Ballet

When I was five, I decided to be a ballerina. However, Ballet West wasn’t hiring kindergarteners, so I had to put my dream on hold for a while. But I danced.  I danced for eight more years before realizing most ballerinas weren’t 5’9″ with size 10 feet. It was a horrible moment when I understood I would never dance the pas de deux (French for “graceful stumbling”) from Swan Lake.

royal

(My bible for 13 years.)

So I stopped dancing, but continued to love ballet. My husband would rather undergo a bone marrow transplant than watch a ballet, so I’ve endured a ballet drought for years. But now I have granddaughters. I took my 10-year-old granddaughter to her first ballet in the newly renovated Capitol Theatre to watch Ballet West’s The Sleeping Beauty.

beauty

(Only in ballet is floating around in a big leaf acceptable.)

It was beautiful. The costumes were gorgeous, and everything was wonderful–except:

1. The man behind me who kept reading his program using his cell phone as a flashlight. I turned around to give him my Angry Mom glare. He was oblivious.

2. The woman who brought her TWO-YEAR-OLD to a TWO HOUR ballet. What the hell were you thinking? And when the child started shrieking during the last act, the mother WOULD NOT TAKE HIM OUT OF THE THEATER. “Hello, ma’am. Do you mind if I taze your screaming child?”

3. Unless you’re willing to fork out big bucks, your seats will be crap. I spent $100 for two tickets. Our seats were placed directly behind the big heads of the people in front of us. I could see half of the stage fine, but my granddaughter had a very obstructed view.

aurora

(Picture this with a great big head covering the dancer.)

4. The Final Act went on forever and ever. It didn’t help that a toddler was screeching like a cat in heat, but on top of that, it seemed EVERY dancer in the ballet had to perform a solo/duet. We get it. It’s a wedding. People are celebrating. Move on. Sheesh.

5. Parking. Like everything in Salt Lake City, parking is unusually difficult. Luckily, I found a spot where we only had to walk five blocks, go up seven flights of stairs and run across several busy streets. Plus, Capitol Theatre doesn’t validate. Boo.

But I’m all in for the next ballet!

Things Driving Me Crazy Today

Maybe I need to cut back on the caffeine, but I seem more irritable than usual. Could be a lack of sleep. Could be low levels of sugar (probably not). Could be Tuesday. Could be the cold. Could be too many things driving me crazy, such as:

  • Taking off a sweaty sports bra. I basically have to dislocate my shoulders to get the damn thing over my head.
  • Magazines with a special “flipped” section, so half of the magazine is upside-down. It’s stupid. Not special.
  • Puncture weeds that find their way into my carpet–and the soles of my bare feet.

puncture weeds

(They look like devil heads–and they hurt like hell when you step on them.)

  • Stabbing my eyeball with a mascara wand.
  • Biting into the frozen center of a “cooked” microwave meal.
  • The insane line at Texas Roadhouse–and their stupid “call ahead” ploy that never gets you in sooner.
  • The people who dropped off a couch and entertainment center on the corner next to our house. In the snow.

DSC_0850

(Freakin’ rednecks.)

  • Dirty, gray, concrete-style snow leftover from December’s first snowfall.
  • The sound made by a fork as it scrapes against a plate. Ewwwwwwwwww.
  • Blowing my nose 1,000 times a day.
  • The Fitbit my husband bought me for Christmas. Now, at 10 p.m., I find myself running laps through the house, trying to get my damn 10,000 daily steps in.

exercise

(Fitbit: The T-Rex of exercise equipment.)

  • People so enthusiastic, energetic, dynamic, tireless, bouncy and unrelenting that you need to punch them behind the knees to make them stop moving.
  • Mirrors.
  • The price of Girl Scout Cookies.

That’s all. Please resume your Tuesday.

Things Driving Me Crazy Today

Maybe the cold and snow are finally getting to me. Things seem to be extra irritating. Here are a few things on my s*** list today:

  • People who type “Hahahah”, leaving off the final “a”. Did the person stop breathing mid-laugh? Should I call 9-1-1?
  • People who stand directly behind me during a class at the gym. Hey! I got here early enough to set up my own personal space. Get the hell away from my lunge zone!!

IMGP0278

(Excuse me!! Do I know you?)

  • Standing in an elevator with strangers. Don’t know where to look. Don’t know what to say. So I just make tiny “meow” sounds.
  • Forgetting my grocery list and trying to remember what I was supposed to buy.
  • Sour cream hidden in food.
  • Sitting in the back seat. Especially when the front windows are open.
  • Always looking like a “before” ad for makeovers.
  • Not being a millionaire.
  • When I take a bite of pizza and all the hot cheese and toppings slide off the crust and melt to my chin.
  • Picking up the frozen dog poop that’s been buried under the snow for two months.

winter

(Underneath this beautiful snowscape is two tons of frozen dog poo.)

  • When stores put stickers on glass picture frames–and you can never. get. the. residue. off. the. glass.
  • The Utah Legislature. (I know, I’ve mentioned this one before. But it still fits.)
  • When my “check engine” light comes on. I tend to read it like, “Engine. Check!”
  • Movies about teenage vampires.

That’s it for today. Maybe I’ll have more patience tomorrow.

Things Driving Me Crazy Today

Ah, Tuesday. That horrible day between Monday and Wednesday that comes around every seven days. The day I get irked more than any other day of the week. Here are things making my crazy list today:

  • That little plastic scoop found in baby formula. It’s always buried at the bottom of the can and the formula sticks to my wet fingers as I try to dig the scoop out.  Isn’t there a better way?
  • People who think “No Left Turn” doesn’t apply to them and back up traffic while pissing everyone off.
  • Bathroom scales.
  • Those stupid, stupid sponge eyeshadow applicators that eventually fall off the stick and down into the drain of my bathroom sink.
  • Realizing I just said something completely off-the-wall and people are looking at me funny while slowly backing away.
  • Political campaigns. With the PACs creating doomsday ads and pundits spinning every quote until I’m seasick, let’s just call the whole thing off.

(How ’bout we choose our elected officials “Hunger Games” style?)

  • The fact that mini-Snickers bars still have calories. Uncool.
  • When I’m drinking ice water at a restaurant and the ice sloshes forward and splashes water all down the front of my shirt.
  • Why is it that whenever I go to my doctor, they have just “updated their computer system” and need me to fill out ALL my medical history again? It doesn’t matter if it’s been a year or two weeks–they’ve got me fillin’ out the paperwork.
  • Halloween costumes that cost more than a new outfit from Macy’s. Really? A piece of cheap fabric and a string of plastic beads is $49.99?

Strange Happenings in Chicago

It’s September, so Tom and I decided to take a summer vacation. We flew off to the Windy City to eat deep dish pizza and Chicago dogs, attend ball games and leave our real lives behind. We had SO much fun and did all the touristy things like visiting Navy Pier (along with a majillion other people), taking a river cruise, biking along Lake Michigan and yelling at cab drivers.

(Cloud Gate? Who knew?)

But we also saw some really strange things in Chicago. Here’s a list:

  • Our tour guide who could talk about the architecture of Chicago while, at the same time, explaining how she was BFFs with Oprah, leaving her boyfriend for Michael Jordan, and making up bulls*** stories about the city such as, “Wacker Street is named after Al Capone because it’s where he wacked his victims.” She was, shall we say. . . interesting.

(Even Capone looks irritated by her stories.)

  • Oblivious pedestrians who looked straight at us on our bikes–and walked directly into our path. Maybe they’d always dreamed of being seriously injured in a cyclist/pedestrian accident.
  • Squirrels carrying baby squirrels in their mouths. They were either eating their young (which I highly recommend) or I inadvertently stumbled across a squirrel kidnapping ring. Those are the only two options that make sense.

(Chicago is known for its gangsta activity.)

  • Cubs fans.
  • Horn language. All cars in Chicago communicate through a series of short beeps, honks, toots and burps. Of course, we didn’t know the language so we just thought everyone was mad at us. Which they probably were.
  • A brain on a stick. Okay, in the light of day I realized it was a rose-painted water tower. But in the dark: brain on a stick.

(It COULD be a brain on a stick.)

  • Humidity. Being from Utah, 20% humidity is enough to make us start whining. But 80% humidity!??! Really? One minute, I was sweating like a marathon runner (which I’m not) and the next, I’d be freezing as the sweat was chilled by the wind coming off the lake.
  • White Sox fans.
  • The new and “improved” Soldier Field. Just plain ugly. It looks like someone dropped a toilet on a Greek temple. Classy.

(The first location for the Nabisco Toilet Bowl.)

Things Driving Me Crazy Today

Tuesdays: That one day of the week when everything seems dismal, dreary and depressing. It’s also the day I can easily think of many things driving me crazy today:

  • When I have a cartload of groceries and the cashier insists on putting each item in it’s own bag. So I leave with 50 items and 50 bags. Maybe they have a bag quota.

(Each bag contains 1 Twix bar or 1 bag o’ Cheetos or 1 box of cereal, etc. And, yes, I do recycle.)

  • Microwaves. How come, with all our technology, no one has created a microwave that can shut quietly, program without annoying beeping and have a “quiet” alarm when the food is done? Makes it very hard to sneak a burrito at 3 a.m.
  • Those “warm air” hand dryers in restrooms. I end up wiping my hands on my pants anyway.

(I wish.)

  • The HUGE man who thought it was a good idea to sit in front of my small granddaughter at the movie theater. Even with her booster chair she couldn’t see, so we ended up rearranging everyone.
  • Indoor pools that use too much chlorine. Aaarrrrgggghhh! My eyes!

(Either too much chlorine or too many Twilight trailers.)

  • Drivers who cross the solid white lines!!!! Idiots! There’s a reason you’re not supposed to change lanes in those areas. It’s a DANGER to other drivers. Namely me! Read up on the road rules.
  • Calories.

Things Driving Me Crazy Today

Wind makes me tense. So does being awake. So when I’m awake on a blustery day, I tend to be easily irritated. Here are the main culprits causing my insanity today.

(Wind is NEVER this romantic.)

  • Tank tops with built-in “bras.” Tank top makers, my bosom area doesn’t fit into those stupid built-in Kleenex bras so I have to wear a sports bra anyway. Then the built-in bra rides up on my chestal area, creating a muffin-top effect. More than a little disturbing.
  • Hostess. I KNOW how bad those cupcakes, donettes, blackberry pies and Ho-Hos are for me. But I can’t stop craving those tasty, sugar-filled demons. I think cream filling is a mixture of meth and sugar to keep me coming back.

(The box says there are 180 calories for 3 donettes. But that seems a little high. I’m sure it’s wrong.)

  • Talking to customer service for internet/phone/cable. We recently changed our communications company because the previous one was exasperating. But when I called to cancel, I had to explain to several people, in several different languages, why I didn’t want their product anymore. Can’t they just have a button to press to cancel service without talking to anyone?
  • Sign-Twirling Teens. The marketing agency that thought putting teenagers on street corners holding signs was a good idea should be disbanded. Because NOW the twitchy teens feel the need to dance and spin the signs around–totally negating the purpose of advertising since I can’t read the DAMN sign until you stop spinning it like a helicopter.

(Yeah, that upside-down phone number is very helpful. Thanks.)

  • Slow walkers!!!! It’s a guarantee when I’m in a hurry, there will be someone walking in front of me at the speed of lard. And there’s usually no way to get around them, so I take slow, exaggerated steps behind them thinking that  my passive actions will somehow speed them up. Doesn’t work.

Things Driving Me Crazy Today

Along with the freeeeeezing temperatures, Newt Gingrich, my health insurance company and the shortage of Butterfinger candy bars in my home, the following things might make me fling myself off the tallest building. Of course, in Salt Lake, that’s not very tall. I’d probably survive. On life support.

Things Driving Me Crazy Today:

  • The redneck who “walks” his dog by driving his pick-up truck through the park while the dog runs alongside it. Can you get any lazier, sir?
  • Automatic toilets that flush while you’re still sitting on them.
  • Automatic toilets that don’t flush at all.

  • People who don’t hold the door open–even when you’re right behind them.
  • Eating healthy all day–then eating an entire apple pie before I go to bed.

(Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom nom.)

  • Tall trucks that block the stoplights so you’re halfway through an intersection before you realize the light’s red.
  • Sweaty guys (and girls) who don’t wipe off the machines at the gym. Ewwww.
  • Being ignored by salespeople.
  • Being hounded by salespeople.