Things Driving Me Crazy Today

Ah, Tuesday. That day between Monday and Wednesday that is as obnoxious as a 2-year-old with a megaphone. Besides having to get out of bed this morning, here are several other things driving me crazy today:

  • Slobbering toothpaste onto my workout clothes. I’ve only been brushing my teeth for four decades. You’d think I’d figure it out.
  • Footnotes
  • The end of pomegranate season. NO!!!*
  • Eating TWO healthy meals in a row, and not losing any weight.
  • Logging off the computer, and then remembering what I was supposed to look up.
  • Having to flush the toilet more than once, and trying to flush it “quietly” the second time.
  • “Yolo!”

yolo

  • People with a positive outlook.
  • My favorite mascara being discontinued.
  • Disappointing novels.
  • That feeling you get right when you finish your fourth Twinkie and think, “I should have had an apple.”
  • People who want me to smile at the camera.

grumpy cat

(I am smiling.)

  • Not being independently wealthy.
  • TV shows with “seasons” only 10 episodes long. That’s not a “season,” it’s a “mini-series.”
  • Forgetting to buy Girl Scout cookies.
  • Realizing it’s April Fool’s Day halfway through the day, and thinking of a really funny blog that will have to wait until next year.

*I will gladly fork out $15 for the last pomegranate.

 

PR Things Driving Me Crazy

I tend to get lotsa, lotsa press releases sent to me, inviting me to everything from the AUTORAMA to the free pap smear clinic. (I declined both offers.) I get good media releases–and some really, really bad releases. If you send me a release, here are some good ways to make me hate you:

  • Press releases WRITTEN IN ALL CAPITAL LETTERS. I am lazy. If I can’t copy/paste–this gets fed to my parakeet. (Euphemism for trashed. I made it up. Do you think it will catch on?)

parakeet

(Chill out, PETA. It’s a photo.)

  • Press releases without the time, date or location of an event. Maybe it’s a scavenger hunt and I’ll get clues in subsequent media releases. Or maybe I ignore you.
  • Press releases with incomplete info. Don’t make me a) find a website, b) look up contact info, c) proofread your copy. Include everything (spelled correctly) in your release. Remember? I’m lazy.
  • Don’t use exclamation points!! Not everyone is as excited about this blood drive as you are!!!! All !!!! will be deleted immediately!!!! And I will add one more pin to my PR voodoo doll!!!!!!!!
  • Don’t send me quotes with no attribution. Am I supposed to guess who made this statement? If I have to guess, it will look like this, “Our staff is super, duper excited to sponsor this pie-eating contest,” said White House Correspondent Count von Count.

count

(You totally just laughed like the Count.)

  • Don’t assume spell check caught all your errors. I’ve been notified about too many pubic hearings. That’s disturbing.
  • Please use apostrophe’s correctly. Its damn irritating when its done in an erroneous’ manner. You’re copy looks bad. And your getting on my nerves.
  • Check all URLs before sending the release. Many, many times the URL is incorrect, and then I have to look it up. Or I don’t. And . . . . ignore.
  • Don’t use the word “literally.” It literally makes me want to hurt you.

I understand people make mistakes. I screw up on a regular basis. But please, please consider my laziness and ineptitude when contacting me about your next colon awareness 5K.

Things Driving Me Crazy With This Cold

Since Jan. 1, I’ve had colds, laryngitis, a sore throat, a short-lived case of the flu and a sinus infection. I’m tired of whining, and everyone in my family is sick of hearing me whine. Besides, everyone in Utah has a cold because It’s WINTER. Plus the smoggy inversion allows particles of radioactive pollution to filter down to the lower lobes of the lungs, causing all kinds of respiratory problems. I might as well take up smoking.

January was a blur of cold medicine, Kleenex, phlegm and doctor visits. Here is what drives me crazy about being sick:

  • Blowing my nose. I have tissues all over my home like I’m offering a soft-paper sacrifice to the cold/flu gods.
  • My face is so swollen from my sinus infection, I look like a jack-0′-lantern with hair.

pumpkin(You thought this was a pumpkin. Nope, it’s me watching Brooklyn Nine-Nine.)

  • Give me either a runny nose or congested sinus cavities–NOT BOTH!
  • Hearing myself whine. I sound like a nasally, moaning middle-aged woman who sucks helium in her spare time.
  • The crunchy eye boogers that stick to my eyelashes when I’m sleeping.
  • Congestion has me talking like a cartoon character.

droopy(“Coldth make me tho mad.”

  • Nothing tastes good. So I eat more, trying to remember how good it feels to taste chocolate.
  • Trying all the crazy cold remedies–that don’t work. Umckaloabo Root Extract? Hot Black Currant Juice? Slices of onions in my socks? Nope. But my feet smell like onion rings. That I can’t taste.

Now that it’s February, I’m hoping Mr. Cold/Flu/Pink-Eye leaves us alone. We’ve done our time.

 

Things Driving Me Crazy Today

Maybe I need to cut back on the caffeine, but I seem more irritable than usual. Could be a lack of sleep. Could be low levels of sugar (probably not). Could be Tuesday. Could be the cold. Could be too many things driving me crazy, such as:

  • Taking off a sweaty sports bra. I basically have to dislocate my shoulders to get the damn thing over my head.
  • Magazines with a special “flipped” section, so half of the magazine is upside-down. It’s stupid. Not special.
  • Puncture weeds that find their way into my carpet–and the soles of my bare feet.

puncture weeds

(They look like devil heads–and they hurt like hell when you step on them.)

  • Stabbing my eyeball with a mascara wand.
  • Biting into the frozen center of a “cooked” microwave meal.
  • The insane line at Texas Roadhouse–and their stupid “call ahead” ploy that never gets you in sooner.
  • The people who dropped off a couch and entertainment center on the corner next to our house. In the snow.

DSC_0850

(Freakin’ rednecks.)

  • Dirty, gray, concrete-style snow leftover from December’s first snowfall.
  • The sound made by a fork as it scrapes against a plate. Ewwwwwwwwww.
  • Blowing my nose 1,000 times a day.
  • The Fitbit my husband bought me for Christmas. Now, at 10 p.m., I find myself running laps through the house, trying to get my damn 10,000 daily steps in.

exercise

(Fitbit: The T-Rex of exercise equipment.)

  • People so enthusiastic, energetic, dynamic, tireless, bouncy and unrelenting that you need to punch them behind the knees to make them stop moving.
  • Mirrors.
  • The price of Girl Scout Cookies.

That’s all. Please resume your Tuesday.

Things Driving Me Crazy in San Francisco

I recently went to San Francisco with hubby, and we packed every minute with activities, food and fun. Now I’m exhausted. Along with exhaustion, here are a few things that drove me crazy in San Francisco.

heart

(I’m not sure about my heart, but I definitely left most of my income in San Fran.)

Scalded Mouth: I ordered peppermint tea without realizing they used a nuclear detonation to heat the damn thing. I let it steep for several minutes, blew on it, carefully took a sip–and completely welded my tongue to the roof of my mouth. Blisters formed, and I spent the rest of the day using my tongue to pop the blisters, pulling shredded skin from the top of my mouth. (Note: Don’t do this at dinner. It tends to disgust your marital partner.)

Line jumpers: We stood in line at the Santa Cruz beach, waiting ever so patiently for our turn on the Sky Glider (the ride that carries you gently across the boardwalk), when an entire freakin’ family pushed past nearly 100 people to go to the front of the line. We were all too shocked to say anything. But we all secretly hoped they fell off the ride halfway across the boardwalk.

This: (Silver Robot Man)

imagesCAHSV90J

(Is this still a thing?)

Sourdough Bread: I love sourdough bread. Let me clarify, I love the soft, fluffy inside of sourdough bread. The crust? Not so much. Especially when my mouth is scorched from drinking scalding tea. The problem with sourdough bread is that each bite must be completely smothered in butter. Soft, delicious butter. (It’s a law. Look it up.) So, now my a** looks like a loaf of sourdough bread.

Wind: Here’s how I looked most of the time in San Francisco:

San Fran Day 2 (30) - Copy(And the wind wasn’t even blowing in this picture.)

People! People! People!: What you see in an aerial view of the San Francisco Bay: Golden Gate Bridge, Fisherman’s Wharf, the Ghirardelli Chocolate Company. What you don’t see: the hordes of people standing on top of each other to see these tourist attractions. (This also includes traffic. There are more cars in San Fran than in the entire continent of Asia. Proven fact–but don’t check.)

The SF Giants: Really, Giants? We traveled from Salt Lake to watch you play in your super-duper AT&T stadium, and you couldn’t even score ONE run. Really? Did you have other things to do that night?

San Fran

(Ah der. . . . Yep. I’m a pitcher. I get paid millions of dollars. Ah der.)

Things Driving Me Crazy Today

Another Tuesday has dawned, and with it, the sneaking feeling that it could be a really long day. In order to waste time, therefore cutting down on actual Tuesday activities, I created the latest list of Things Driving Me Crazy Today.

DSC_0302(Too lazy to deal with Tuesday.)

Feel free to add on.

  • When you drink a big glass of milk, and discover the bottom of the glass was coated with disgusting dishwasher residue.
  • The person who told me, “I read your latest blog. It was really funny. You should try adding humor more often.” Sigh.
  • Being too full to eat dessert. (Amended: too full to ENJOY dessert.)
  • That little line of dirt left next to the dust pan that REFUSES to be swept up.

dustpan(I usually end up casually spreading it around with my foot.)

  • The plastic or ribbon loops that hang off the armpits of shirts. (They tend to creep out of my shirt and hang under my arms.)
  • Weeds.
  • When someone adjusts the driver’s seat/mirrors in my car. It’s PERFECT! Leave it the hell alone!
  • When the first square of toilet paper is super-glued to the roll. I end up shredding the first five layers of toilet paper before it starts working.
  • When someone eats the last bowl of raspberries. (They should be burned at the stake!!)
  • Feeling inferior at the farmer’s market. (Organic, free-range vegans seem SO superior.)

vegan

  • Any sentence that includes the words “Congress,” “sequester” (which is NOT a noun, folks!), “lawmakers” or “kale.”
  • The fact there were Halloween decorations in the store this weekend. It’s freakin’ July!!!!
  • The stubble on my knees I just can’t seem to shave.

That’s it for today. Now I’m sure my Tuesday will flow swimmingly.

  • BONUS: People who use the word “swimmingly.”

Things Driving Me Crazy in Phoenix

I left the strange world of Utah to travel to a warm, welcoming place called Phoenix to bask in the sun and watch baseball games during spring training. As we boarded the plane to leave Utah, airline employees were busy de-icing the wings. An hour later, we were sweating in 85 degree weather with margaritas and ball games.

While our weekend getaway was amazing, I was able to find things in Arizona that drove me bat-s*** crazy.

  • Sitting next to drunk people at baseball games. Drunk people are obnoxious. Drunk people at baseball games are uber-obnoxious, partly because they are already sitting so close–and then they proceed to get even MORE in your face. Once they’ve repeated the same sentence 17 times, it’s time to get up and buy a hot dog. I ate way too many hot dogs.
  • Listening to our hotel neighbors yell at each other at 7 a.m. Waking up to the chirping of birds: good. Waking up to the lady in the room next door nag at her husband in a shrill, ear-splitting voice: not good.

gladys

(“Abner! Abner!” Gladys Kravitz, our nosy hotel neighbor.)

  • Restrooms at baseball stadiums. Attendance at one ball game was more than 12,000 people. Attendance in the ladies rest room was about 11,900. And the ONE bathroom I found had such a hellacious line, I decided to find a quiet corner and an empty cup.
  • Gym equipment at hotels, in general. Marketing photos lie. Pictures depicting spacious workout centers give way to the truth when you walk in the gym and find three ancient recumbent bicycles, a 1985 treadmill and a squeaky stairstepper. You can work with the free weights, as long as you only wanted to use 15 pounds or 75 pounds.
  • Too much good food. Pizza and cheesebread at Oregano’s, pasties at the Cornish Pasty Co., scones at Rustler’s Rooste, tamales at Aunt Chilada’s, fries at the Baer’s Den, a Snickers bar at the airport. I ate way too  much and now I have to eat celery and kale for the next three weeks. Blech.
  • Leaving to come home. There’s a stomach-dropping feeling as you board a plane that will take you back to the confines of the state of Utah. Say goodbye to sunshine. Say goodbye to the real world. Say hello to a ludicrous legislature. Say hello to Neanderthal thinking. Sigh.

Things Driving Me Crazy Today

Maybe the cold and snow are finally getting to me. Things seem to be extra irritating. Here are a few things on my s*** list today:

  • People who type “Hahahah”, leaving off the final “a”. Did the person stop breathing mid-laugh? Should I call 9-1-1?
  • People who stand directly behind me during a class at the gym. Hey! I got here early enough to set up my own personal space. Get the hell away from my lunge zone!!

IMGP0278

(Excuse me!! Do I know you?)

  • Standing in an elevator with strangers. Don’t know where to look. Don’t know what to say. So I just make tiny “meow” sounds.
  • Forgetting my grocery list and trying to remember what I was supposed to buy.
  • Sour cream hidden in food.
  • Sitting in the back seat. Especially when the front windows are open.
  • Always looking like a “before” ad for makeovers.
  • Not being a millionaire.
  • When I take a bite of pizza and all the hot cheese and toppings slide off the crust and melt to my chin.
  • Picking up the frozen dog poop that’s been buried under the snow for two months.

winter

(Underneath this beautiful snowscape is two tons of frozen dog poo.)

  • When stores put stickers on glass picture frames–and you can never. get. the. residue. off. the. glass.
  • The Utah Legislature. (I know, I’ve mentioned this one before. But it still fits.)
  • When my “check engine” light comes on. I tend to read it like, “Engine. Check!”
  • Movies about teenage vampires.

That’s it for today. Maybe I’ll have more patience tomorrow.

Things Driving Me Crazy Today

Ah, Tuesday. That horrible day between Monday and Wednesday that comes around every seven days. The day I get irked more than any other day of the week. Here are things making my crazy list today:

  • That little plastic scoop found in baby formula. It’s always buried at the bottom of the can and the formula sticks to my wet fingers as I try to dig the scoop out.  Isn’t there a better way?
  • People who think “No Left Turn” doesn’t apply to them and back up traffic while pissing everyone off.
  • Bathroom scales.
  • Those stupid, stupid sponge eyeshadow applicators that eventually fall off the stick and down into the drain of my bathroom sink.
  • Realizing I just said something completely off-the-wall and people are looking at me funny while slowly backing away.
  • Political campaigns. With the PACs creating doomsday ads and pundits spinning every quote until I’m seasick, let’s just call the whole thing off.

(How ’bout we choose our elected officials “Hunger Games” style?)

  • The fact that mini-Snickers bars still have calories. Uncool.
  • When I’m drinking ice water at a restaurant and the ice sloshes forward and splashes water all down the front of my shirt.
  • Why is it that whenever I go to my doctor, they have just “updated their computer system” and need me to fill out ALL my medical history again? It doesn’t matter if it’s been a year or two weeks–they’ve got me fillin’ out the paperwork.
  • Halloween costumes that cost more than a new outfit from Macy’s. Really? A piece of cheap fabric and a string of plastic beads is $49.99?

Things Driving Me Crazy Today

Tuesdays: That one day of the week when everything seems dismal, dreary and depressing. It’s also the day I can easily think of many things driving me crazy today:

  • When I have a cartload of groceries and the cashier insists on putting each item in it’s own bag. So I leave with 50 items and 50 bags. Maybe they have a bag quota.

(Each bag contains 1 Twix bar or 1 bag o’ Cheetos or 1 box of cereal, etc. And, yes, I do recycle.)

  • Microwaves. How come, with all our technology, no one has created a microwave that can shut quietly, program without annoying beeping and have a “quiet” alarm when the food is done? Makes it very hard to sneak a burrito at 3 a.m.
  • Those “warm air” hand dryers in restrooms. I end up wiping my hands on my pants anyway.

(I wish.)

  • The HUGE man who thought it was a good idea to sit in front of my small granddaughter at the movie theater. Even with her booster chair she couldn’t see, so we ended up rearranging everyone.
  • Indoor pools that use too much chlorine. Aaarrrrgggghhh! My eyes!

(Either too much chlorine or too many Twilight trailers.)

  • Drivers who cross the solid white lines!!!! Idiots! There’s a reason you’re not supposed to change lanes in those areas. It’s a DANGER to other drivers. Namely me! Read up on the road rules.
  • Calories.