Let’s see. So much to choose from. Between the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse Election 2016 and the upcoming Catastrophonic Winter, there’s no end to what’s driving me crazy.
But to spare you hours of reading time, I narrowed it down to these:
- When I wake up five minutes before the alarm goes off.
- When I realize the tag in my shirt keeps sticking out because my shirt is on backwards.
- Taking spoons out of the garbage disposal. (AAACCKK!! Must wash my hands with bleach!!!!)
- Anything with the name Trump or Hillary.
- Trying to throw together a Halloween costume with trash bags, Kleenex and Scotch tape.
- When I have a zit near my nose that looks like a booger.
- People who aren’t registered to vote who bitch about the election.
- Commercials with CGI characters.
- When I can’t fast-forward through commercials.
- When I eat my last piece of hidden chocolate.
- Sticky floors.
- People who talk to me while staring at my hairline. Look in my eyes, dammit!
- Hot chocolate that isn’t hot.
Hopefully, we don’t experience any of this stuff today–but it IS Tuesday . . .
As all of you have heard (too many times), I recently published a compilation of humor columns surprisingly titled, “Life and Laughter.” Because I now have several cases of books in my garage, I decided to hold a book signing at a local book store* to get rid of several copies of my non-best-selling collection.
But I didn’t want the fame and fortune to go to my head, so I devised several ways to not get carried away with all the fans and adulation. Here are some tips for others in the same literary boat:
- Burn your forehead with a curling iron the day before the event. This adds an element of humor to your signing as you watch people try not to stare at the 2-inch wide scab above your eyebrow.
- Remind yourself how fame totally destroyed Susan Boyle. The lady had a freakin’ nervous breakdown! Congratulate yourself on selling only a few books, mostly to family members you paid to be there.
(This is your brain on fame.)
- Have your husband keep reminding you that there are still several dozen unsold books sitting in the garage.
- Be sure to wear white pants, and then spill salsa on them immediately.
- Arrange for a large zit to appear on your chin the evening before the book signing. Watch people try not to quote Austin Powers as they speak to you whilst buying your book. (Replace “mole” with “zit.”)
(“…Yes, nice to mole you… MEET you! Nice to meet your mole! Don’t say mole… I said mole.”)
- Notice how many people walk into the store, glance at your table, shrug their shoulders and go off to purchase “real” books.
- Make sure people take photos at the event, reminding yourself that you HATE being photographed and that truly successful authors must endure not just cameras but VIDEO cameras. (Uuuuuuurrrrrr. I just had a horrible chill.)
- Don’t be insulted when people pick up your book, say something like “So, this is your book. Huh.” then put it back down and wander off to look for Ellery Queen** novels.
Thanks to these helpful tips, I survived the book signing with ego in check.
*For readers not familiar with “book stores,” these shops are places people go to buy books. Google “books” for more information.
**Ellery Queen was a fictional detective and mystery writer. Google “Ellery Queen” if you are under the age of 45.