How I Got Addicted To Pinterest

Hello, I’m Peri, and I’m a Pinterest addict.

(Pinterest: The act of sorting the entire Internet into categories.)

When I first tried Pinteresting, I was sure I could handle it. I could stop scrolling after a few re-pins and walk away from my computer. For a while it was okay. But I started thinking about Pinterest all the time.

What was I missing? Was there a cool Thanksgiving craft I would never know about? Was there a your-ecard that would make me laugh until I peed myself? Was there a photo of a lion fighting a dolphin, saying something hilarious?

I needed a Pinterest hit.

(I found this cake on . . . wait for it . . . Pinterest!)

I started hiding my habit. I’d have Facebook tabbed so I could jump to it if anyone walked in the room so they wouldn’t see me scrolling and scrolling and scrolling, pinning, re-pinning, liking, commenting. I stopped sleeping. I would have stopped eating but everything on Pinterest makes me hungry.

My husband expressed concern for my mental health, worried I spent too much time on this cyber-bulletin board. I told him something like, “Shut the hell up!!!! I’m just fine!! Leave the room!!!”

Cooking tips. Craft ideas. Holiday gifts. Fashionable outfits. Zany quotes. Cute animal pics. Funny photos. Beauty tips. Fifty things to do with toilet paper rolls. How to braid a loaf of bread. Cupcakes that look like gingerbread houses. 75 ways to incorporate bacon into your day. How to do a “smoky” eye. There was just NO END to the things I could learn!!

(Information overload!!)

Finally, after a Pinterest session that lasted 17 hours, my husband slapped me, shut down the computer and rolled me into the shower. The blast of cold water brought me back to my senses–but all I could think about was Pinteresting.

My husband staged a Pintervention and pressed a brochure into my shaky hands, “How to Have a Healthy Interest in Pinterest.” I started to cry. I knew he was right. And I was crying because I hate it when he’s right.

Now I’m in recovery. But it’s not easy. I suffer from Pinsomnia. I admit, I sneak a quick hit every now and then, but it’s nothing. I can handle it. Right?

Right?

Tell me I’ll be okay!!!

Top 5 Terrible Halloween Treats

You’ve only got one day left to stock up on Halloween treats for those good-for-nothing, lazy trick-or-treaters. Kids are always looking for a handout.

Anyway, be sure to avoid having the above-mentioned “kids” attack your home with shaving cream or raw eggs by providing them with an acceptable treat. It’s much like appeasing King Kong: Give him what he wants and he walks away. Give him something stupid and he smashes your head.

(“Kong no like Peeps!”)

Here are the Top 5 Terrible Halloween Treats that could get your home vandalized:

1–Fruit. An apple in a Trick-or-Treat bag is the equivalent to a lump of coal in a Christmas stocking. Children start crying and ask, “What did I do to offend the Great Pumpkin? Does he hate me? Was I bad?” The answer to the last two questions is usually “yes.” Just save the fruit for Thanksgiving pie or for Snow White.

(My mom always threw apples away on Halloween, convinced they were full of needles and razor blades.)

2-Toothbrush. Not only does this “treat” make kids foam at the mouth (literally) it also sends a message to parents that, “You are not a good enough parent to purchase your child a toothbrush. I can tell. I’m your neighbor.” Halloween judging is really frowned upon.

3-Hard bubble gum. Even kids know that you probably bought this horrible bubble gum on clearance at Walgreen’s last Halloween. It’s harder than a peach pit and tastes like death, and there’s NO WAY you can blow a bubble.  This category also includes year-old taffy, Bit-O-Honey and those awful, awful peanut-shaped candies that have the consistency of fossilized shaving cream.

4–Pencils. Kids love writing death threats to people who give them pencils on Halloween. “Hey, neighbor! Thanks for giving me something I can do homework with. Better watch your back.”

 

5–Little boxes of raisins.  Kids don’t like raisins when it’s NOT Halloween. Why would they like them on All Hallow’s Eve instead of a Twix bar, Hershey’s kisses or Blow Pop? Save the raisins for your cereal or you might find them dropped into your gas tank.

Have a happy, safe and vandal free Halloween!

How to Tell if Your Co-Worker is a Zombie

Zombies are the it creatures this year. If you’re going to be creepy–zombie is the way to go. But sometimes you work with people who beHAVE like a zombie but you’re not quite sure if they’re actually infected. They tend to look dazed, unfocused and have a tendency to drool–but is that just the way they are? Or could they be an actual zombie?

(Did your co-worker attack a pit bull on the way to work, or is he a zombie?)

Why take a chance? Here’s a list of warning signs that your co-worker, either male or female, could be a flesh-eating, reanimated corpse:

  • She stares at you with absolutely no expression. Just a little bit of moaning once in a while.
  • You can hear his loud chewing even though you’re not even in the same room. And don’t get me started on how loud he can drink milk.
  • He wears clothes that are stained with blood-colored spots he insists are ketchup or chocolate pudding, he doesn’t remember.
  • It takes her forEVER to walk anywhere. If you’re behind her in a narrow corridor, trying to get to the drinking fountain, there’s a good chance you’ll die of thirst.
  • He smells. Sometimes he smells like he doused his head in Old Spice. But he still smells.
  • Your co-worker tells you he’s hunting a band of humans led by former sheriff Rick Grimes.

(Better hide, Rick. My lazy-ass co-worker is after you. You should be fine.)

  • Manners? What do you mean by this word “manners”?
  • He picks his nose during meetings and rolls the booger between his fingers until he can flick it away. Usually in your direction.
  • She continually thumps your head like it’s a ripe watermelon.
  • You remember attending his funeral two years ago.
  • She tells you she has a “hankerin’ for human flesh” and then laughs like it was a joke. But then she stops laughing and stares at your neck.

Now, I realize that this behavior can describe many humans, including teenagers, but be careful because you never know when you’ll look up and stare into the eyes of the abyss. No, not your boss. A real-life, or real-dead, zombie. Carry a blunt object just in case–and aim for the head. Stay careful, my friends.

Things Driving Me Crazy Today

Ah, Tuesday. That horrible day between Monday and Wednesday that comes around every seven days. The day I get irked more than any other day of the week. Here are things making my crazy list today:

  • That little plastic scoop found in baby formula. It’s always buried at the bottom of the can and the formula sticks to my wet fingers as I try to dig the scoop out.  Isn’t there a better way?
  • People who think “No Left Turn” doesn’t apply to them and back up traffic while pissing everyone off.
  • Bathroom scales.
  • Those stupid, stupid sponge eyeshadow applicators that eventually fall off the stick and down into the drain of my bathroom sink.
  • Realizing I just said something completely off-the-wall and people are looking at me funny while slowly backing away.
  • Political campaigns. With the PACs creating doomsday ads and pundits spinning every quote until I’m seasick, let’s just call the whole thing off.

(How ’bout we choose our elected officials “Hunger Games” style?)

  • The fact that mini-Snickers bars still have calories. Uncool.
  • When I’m drinking ice water at a restaurant and the ice sloshes forward and splashes water all down the front of my shirt.
  • Why is it that whenever I go to my doctor, they have just “updated their computer system” and need me to fill out ALL my medical history again? It doesn’t matter if it’s been a year or two weeks–they’ve got me fillin’ out the paperwork.
  • Halloween costumes that cost more than a new outfit from Macy’s. Really? A piece of cheap fabric and a string of plastic beads is $49.99?

Top 5 Ways To Simplify Your Life

Simplifying is all the rage. It’s the “in” thing to do. Clear out the clutter, physical and emotional, and enjoy a new, laid-back approach to life.

Okey dokey.

(I’ve had much less for a long time. I must be very simple.)

But where do I start? Here are some simple ideas to put you on the right path.

Simplify daily chores. Do dishes need to be done EVERY day? If I just throw dirty clothes away, isn’t that simplifying? And as for work: Commute less. Take longer breaks. Call in sick and take a “me” day. Work fewer hours. Skip non-essential meetings.  In no time at all, you’ll be fired. Simple as that.

Downsize your life. As a journalist, this isn’t a problem. Reporters around the world are having their lives downsized on a daily basis. This leads to buying smaller homes and cars, eating out less often, living with less, appreciating what you have. Yada, yada, yada. Heeeeeyyy. Wait a minute . . . Simplifying sounds a LOT like poverty.

(Former Pulitzer prize-winning journalist.)

Simplify your communications. Must you be on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest and YouTube ALL the time? Do you have to text, instant message, ping, pong, email, snail mail, Morse code, Bluetooth and any other new-fangled way of communicating. How about just TALKING?

Simplify meals. Only stock your pantry or fridge with ingredients you’ll use. All that expired hummus, coconut milk and edamame? Throw it out and replace it with Hostess treats, Lay’s potato chips and other foods you’ll actually eat. Also, eliminate unnecessary appliances. That cotton candy maker, stainless steel pasta machine, bread maker, tortilla warmer and the jerky gun you’ve never used? Toss.

(The jerky gun. Wrong on so many levels.)

Simplify your relationships. Learn to say no. Don’t keep enabling dysfunctional behavior. Don’t let people manipulate you. Instead of a loving dog, how about a Chia pet or a pet rock? And do you REALLY need that boyfriend/girlfriend? Break up with your significant other and think of all the money you’ll save on counseling!

Sooooo. Basically, this new trend is a form of hermitage. Which I already approve of. Top 5 Reasons To Become a Hermit

Top 5 Diet Tricks That Just Don’t Work

Yes, I know in order to lose weight I should exercise more and eat less. But that’s absolutely not fun. So I keep looking for sneaky ways to burn calories–that doesn’t involve any effort. Fitness magazines list “tricks” to losing weight–like it’s some kind of magic sleight of hand that keeps the extra 10 pounds hanging off my butt.

Some “tricks” make sense, others–not so much. Well, they might make sense to people who aren’t looking for “tricks” to make the “tricks” allow for more food.

Here are the top 5 diet tricks that always trip me up:

1. Get 5-9 servings of vegetables every day. I can do that. The problem comes when I start counting apple pie, peach cobbler, raspberry muffins, zucchini bread, applesauce cookies, sweet potato fries and pumpkin pancakes as fruit/vegetable servings. The scale is definitely moving–just in the wrong direction.

(Raspberry muffins with pecans and coconut. Now THIS is diet food.)

2. Use a small bowl for portion control. Great! I took a small bowl out of the cupboard and filled it with potato chips–10 times. Did you know an entire bag of Limon-flavored Lay’s will fit into a small bowl? Crazy.

 3. Ask yourself if you’re really hungry. Well of course I’m really hungry, stupid. Why else would I be stuffing my face with Dove chocolates at eight in the morning? And don’t tell me I’m eating to mask my feelings. I’M NOT! I’m not angry, frustrated or upset, you nosy, obnoxious, know-it-all pain in the a**!!

4. Enjoy your favorite treats so you don’t feel deprived. Done. Next.

5. Eat several mini-meals each day. Now, when they say “mini-meals,” does that mean a small burger, small fries and small shake five times a day? Because if that’s what that means (and that’s how I’ve chosen to interpret that advice), then I don’t see myself fitting into a slinky dress anytime soon without the help of 3 sets of Spanx, a forklift and 2 broken ribs.

 

Are You a Tech Addict?

My laptop screen blew out last week. No warning. Just a great big “I’m not working! Hahahahahaha!!”

(Not an actual re-creation. Mine was much worse.)

So, off to the electronic super store I went where the Geek Squad tried to convince me I should upgrade my computer. I was adamant that I just needed access to the Internet, iTunes and a word processor. Nearly $800 later, I stumbled out of the store, disoriented from talk about RAMs, processors, time-warp, etc.

Here’s the thing: we’ve become WAY too dependent on machines doing our thinking for us. The week I didn’t have a laptop I folded laundry, dusted end tables, made cookies (DELICIOUS), brushed my teeth, took longer walks with my dog and taught my grandson how to swear. Of course, since I work from home, I didn’t get paid for any of that . . .

Anyway. Here are some signs you might be too dependent on technology:

  • You don’t go ANYWHERE without your iPhone. Not even the bathroom. In fact, you have several photos of yourself staring into the bathroom mirror.
  • You not only text while you’re driving, you also play Words With Friends, download the latest Justin Bieber tune and update your FB status.
  • You have a stupid Bluetooth implanted in your brain.

(I guess it could be worse.)

  • Your best friends are only found on Facebook. The last time you spoke with a real person face-to-face was when you bought your new iPad.
  • You talk in text speak. LOL! B4N! TTTH!
  • You know what the above acronyms mean.
  • You haven’t picked up a real book, magazine or newspaper since 2009.

(These are books. They have pages you can turn. Sometimes they have pictures.)

  • You’ve given up physical interaction in exchange for sexting.
  • If the Internet crashed permanently, you would consider drinking a Drano daiquiri.
  • You’ve dumped a boyfriend/girlfriend via text or email.
  • You don’t know the phone numbers of your closest friends or family members. They’re all on speed-dial.

Maybe take some time to rethink your relationship with your gadgets. If you have forgotten what “nature” is, you might want to put the phone down. Now.

Strange Happenings in Chicago

It’s September, so Tom and I decided to take a summer vacation. We flew off to the Windy City to eat deep dish pizza and Chicago dogs, attend ball games and leave our real lives behind. We had SO much fun and did all the touristy things like visiting Navy Pier (along with a majillion other people), taking a river cruise, biking along Lake Michigan and yelling at cab drivers.

(Cloud Gate? Who knew?)

But we also saw some really strange things in Chicago. Here’s a list:

  • Our tour guide who could talk about the architecture of Chicago while, at the same time, explaining how she was BFFs with Oprah, leaving her boyfriend for Michael Jordan, and making up bulls*** stories about the city such as, “Wacker Street is named after Al Capone because it’s where he wacked his victims.” She was, shall we say. . . interesting.

(Even Capone looks irritated by her stories.)

  • Oblivious pedestrians who looked straight at us on our bikes–and walked directly into our path. Maybe they’d always dreamed of being seriously injured in a cyclist/pedestrian accident.
  • Squirrels carrying baby squirrels in their mouths. They were either eating their young (which I highly recommend) or I inadvertently stumbled across a squirrel kidnapping ring. Those are the only two options that make sense.

(Chicago is known for its gangsta activity.)

  • Cubs fans.
  • Horn language. All cars in Chicago communicate through a series of short beeps, honks, toots and burps. Of course, we didn’t know the language so we just thought everyone was mad at us. Which they probably were.
  • A brain on a stick. Okay, in the light of day I realized it was a rose-painted water tower. But in the dark: brain on a stick.

(It COULD be a brain on a stick.)

  • Humidity. Being from Utah, 20% humidity is enough to make us start whining. But 80% humidity!??! Really? One minute, I was sweating like a marathon runner (which I’m not) and the next, I’d be freezing as the sweat was chilled by the wind coming off the lake.
  • White Sox fans.
  • The new and “improved” Soldier Field. Just plain ugly. It looks like someone dropped a toilet on a Greek temple. Classy.

(The first location for the Nabisco Toilet Bowl.)

Top 5 Things To Expect at the Republican National Convention

(“America! Freedom! Jesus! Guns! Wealth! Strippers!”)

While watching TV over the weekend, there was a “news” story on CNN about how strip clubs in Tampa are preparing for the Republican National Convention. I guess all those family-values spouting “conservatives” just can’t wait to stuff dollar bills into a hooker’s g-string.

Anyway.

Here are the Top 5 Things To Expect at the RNC:

1. The coronation of His Highness Mitt Romney and His Vice-Highness Paul Ryan. All previous GOP candidates will put their hatred and harsh comments aside (at least in public) and rally behind the almost-human-but-not-quite Romney/Ryan team. Except for Ron Paul, who seems to be the only Republican not willing to sacrifice his soul for the party.

2. A TON of patriotic music. Scheduled to perform are country-lovin’ groups and singers like The Oak Ridge Boys, Lynyrd Skynyrd, Trace Adkins, Kid Rock, Lee Greenwood and Willie Nelson. Assuming all these women-free performers follow through (without being scared off by Hurricane Isaac), there should be red, white and blue tears leaking out of everyone’s eyes by the end of the week.

(I’ve heard Chick-fil-A is catering the convention.)

3. Lots of speakers who are women.  Just so the Republicans can show us their women aren’t just gun-totin’, Jesus lovin’ trophy wives, they’ve lined up a series of highfalutin females to talk about Chevrolet, baseball and apple pie. (After their speeches, the women will return to the kitchen to finish up the hors d’oeuvres.)

4.Presidential candidate Mitt Romney’s non-answers. People, people. Don’t let Romney’s non-answers to legitimate questions bother you. His answers are Zen, akin to “the sound of one hand clapping” and “a tree falling in the woods.” For his real answers, watch FOX news for a lively interpretation. Or Jon Stewart for a funnier interpretation.

5. A media blitz/social media frenzy. Gazillions of reporters, pundits, comedians, political activists, protestors and bloggers will converge on each delegate, convention attendee or innocent bystander creating Tweets, FB posts, #inanecomments, up-to-the-minute reports–and maybe even some actual news reporting. Hahaha. Just kidding about the news.

What you WON’T hear are remarks about “legitimate” rape, disbanding the NRA, gay marriage, cutting taxes for the middle class or the legislation and registration of women’s private parts (well, maybe in the strip clubs).

Tagged, I’m It

Thanks to Nicole from I Might Ramble for tagging me in this wacky game of blog-tag. It’s a fun way to get to know other bloggers so you can eventually stalk them and steal their garden hoses. Once you’re tagged, here’s what you MUST do:

1.  You must post the rules. (These are THE RULES.)

2.  Answer the questions the tagger set for you in their post.

3.  Create eight new questions to ask the people you’ve tagged. (It used to be more but I can’t think of more than eight.)

4.  Tag eight people with a link to your post. (It used to be more but I can’t think of more than eight.)

5.  Let them know they’ve been tagged.

Here are the questions Nicole asked me:

  • Who is your favorite author? God
  • What movie have you seen more than any other? It’s a tie between Napoleon Dynamite and Monty Python’s Holy Grail.
  • Where would you go if you could go anywhere in the world for ten days? Somewhere with a beach, a yoga retreat, a chocolate factory, a bookstore and an old-timey pizza parlor.
  • Why are you responding to this tag? It’s Saturday and I’m bored. My life is sad.
  • Who is your favorite musician or band? Right now, it’s Bon Iver. Their music tends to be sad, indecipherable, mumbly and deep.My life is sad.
  • What book have you read more than any other? “The Power of Positive Thinking.” But it was a waste of time.
  • Where is the most amazing place you’ve ever been? Earth.
  • Do you watch reality television/why? No. That is NOT reality.
  • What’s your guilty pleasure/vice? Is serial killing a guilty pleasure? Road rage? Vandalism?
  • If you could go anywhere in the world (country, city, or restaurant) for a single meal, just to say you did, where would you go? I would go to Paris (Idaho) for French crepes.
  • The Twilight Saga, Harry Potter, The Hunger Games: have you read them and how do you rank them? Loved Harry Potter and The Hunger Games. LOATHE anything Twilight.

Here are the questions for my tagged bloggers:

1. Where wouldn’t you be caught dead?

2. What is your dream job?

3. What was your favorite childhood injury?

4. What would your pen name be?

5. If you had $10,000, what would you buy?

6. If you HAD to eat roadkill, what animal would you eat?

7. What superpower do you wish you had? Why?

8. What frustrates you the most?

Unsuspecting bloggers I’ve tagged:

1. On and Beyond

2. 40 is the new 13

3. Megan’s Creative Blog

4. Journey of Jordan East

5. Artists Promenade

6. Ms. Jolly Blogger

7. A Well-Documented Life

That’s it. Don’t have time to find an 8th one.

 

 

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