Why Ringo Hates Halloween

Good Boy(I am a good boy. A very good boy.)

Once upon a time, there was a crazy-ass dog named Ringo. Although his family loved him very much, Ringo was a neurotic freak, with a tendency to overreact to. . . well. . . basically everything.  Along with canine-induced ADHD, Ringo also suffered from AAA (allergies, anxiety and arthritis), making him an itchy, nervous and crippled doggy companion.

One day, Ringo’s owner (Lady Peri of Kearns) was walking Ringo when, all of a sudden, giant Halloween inflatables popped up on the neighbor’s lawn–scaring the dog poop out of poor Ringo. Barking didn’t scare the scary inflatable spider away. Growling didn’t even phase it. But did that stop Ringo? NO! He growled and barked all the way down the street, turning around to make sure the spider knew he had caused Ringo MUCH anxiety.

spider(Someone needs a big can of Raid.)

The next day, Lady Peri decorated the house for Halloween. She placed pumpkins, ghosts, ghouls, skeletons, witches and other nightmare-causing props in strategic places–except Ringo was now afraid to come in the living room. He was convinced the witch’s cauldron was going to eat him–or at least take his chew toy. So Ringo jumped on the couch, growling softly, only leaving the safety of the couch cushions to eat. Or to glare in Lady Peri’s direction.

Ringo Glare

(I hate you, Lady Peri.)

When trick-or-treaters visited Ringo’s home, he went delirious with fear as Hulks, vampires, goblins and Miley Cyrus costumes paraded up and down the porch. Ringo hid behind the La-Z-Boy, hyperventilating into a doggish dementia.  Turning to emotional eating, Ringo tried to steal chocolate bars from the big bowl o’ candy Lady Peri had left unattended.

Screeches, screaming, banshee wailing and loud moaning coming from the Halloween CD didn’t do anything to ease Ringo’s terror. His howling didn’t do anything to ease Lady Peri’s nerves.

Finally, the month of terror ebbed, leaving Ringo in a pile of furry panic. Lady Peri took down the bats and zombies, and the neighbors deflated their 6-foot inflatable spider. Ringo could breathe easy again.IMG_20130725_162409

Until the next day when the neighbor’s giant inflatable turkey appeared in the yard.

Top 5 Terrible Halloween Treats

You’ve only got one day left to stock up on Halloween treats for those good-for-nothing, lazy trick-or-treaters. Kids are always looking for a handout.

Anyway, be sure to avoid having the above-mentioned “kids” attack your home with shaving cream or raw eggs by providing them with an acceptable treat. It’s much like appeasing King Kong: Give him what he wants and he walks away. Give him something stupid and he smashes your head.

(“Kong no like Peeps!”)

Here are the Top 5 Terrible Halloween Treats that could get your home vandalized:

1–Fruit. An apple in a Trick-or-Treat bag is the equivalent to a lump of coal in a Christmas stocking. Children start crying and ask, “What did I do to offend the Great Pumpkin? Does he hate me? Was I bad?” The answer to the last two questions is usually “yes.” Just save the fruit for Thanksgiving pie or for Snow White.

(My mom always threw apples away on Halloween, convinced they were full of needles and razor blades.)

2-Toothbrush. Not only does this “treat” make kids foam at the mouth (literally) it also sends a message to parents that, “You are not a good enough parent to purchase your child a toothbrush. I can tell. I’m your neighbor.” Halloween judging is really frowned upon.

3-Hard bubble gum. Even kids know that you probably bought this horrible bubble gum on clearance at Walgreen’s last Halloween. It’s harder than a peach pit and tastes like death, and there’s NO WAY you can blow a bubble.  This category also includes year-old taffy, Bit-O-Honey and those awful, awful peanut-shaped candies that have the consistency of fossilized shaving cream.

4–Pencils. Kids love writing death threats to people who give them pencils on Halloween. “Hey, neighbor! Thanks for giving me something I can do homework with. Better watch your back.”


5–Little boxes of raisins.  Kids don’t like raisins when it’s NOT Halloween. Why would they like them on All Hallow’s Eve instead of a Twix bar, Hershey’s kisses or Blow Pop? Save the raisins for your cereal or you might find them dropped into your gas tank.

Have a happy, safe and vandal free Halloween!