Absence Makes the Heart . . . Whatever

I’ve been blogless for the last month or so. Usually, I’m super-almost-consistent-once-in-a-while to post on Tuesdays because Tuesday is the worst day of the week. But lately I’ve slacked, what you might call “slackled.”

Winter in Utah is dreadful. If it’s not a blizzard during the commute, there’s a death-inducing, lung-clogging smog that smothers the Salt Lake Valley like a fat cat sitting on your chest, not giving a shit that you can’t breathe.


(A couple million people are buried under this crap.)

Yes, I’m using weather as an excuse for my blog absence. I’ve been too busy trying to stay warm. Too focused on not having my tongue freeze to utensils during dinner. Too scared to fall asleep for fear I’ll wake up dead from hypothermia.

But now February is more than half over. There’s a scent of spring in the air, a hint of warmth. Just kidding. It’s still %&*#ing freezing.

Besides the weather distracting me from my blogger duties, the Utah Legislature is in session, which leaves me depressed and discouraged. I could punch a parakeet after reading about the latest stupid bill proposals from our “representatives.”

Medical marijuana is a big discussion on Capitol Hill this year. Lots of people have come out against it with arguments ranging from “Marijuana is a gateway drug” to “Utah’s wildlife will eat the plants and be high all the time” (which is hilarious!). It’s been noted several times that uber-addictive, medically-prescribed opioids are still perfectly legal.


(No wonder Bugs always had the munchies.)

In addition to the weather and the legislature, there are no more work holidays until Memorial Day. MEMORIAL DAY! That’s almost 700 days away! I think every month should have at least one mandatory holiday just to keep me from throwing staplers at work.

That’s it. My Seasonal Affective Disorder rant is concluded. I’d love your tips for surviving the cold, bleak months of winter.

What Should I Blog About Today?

Maybe your New Year’s resolution was to start a blog. That’s pretty easy. The hard part comes when you have to think up a topic on a regular basis. I post on Tuesdays (usually), so Monday night I’m cramming to write something witty, brilliant, unforgettable, quote-worthy or hysterical. But I give up pretty quick, and end up vomit-typing a blog at the last minute.


So where do you turn when you’ve run out of blog ideas? Here are some money-back-guaranteed ways to fill your blog with brilliance:

Write What You Love: If you love reading, chocolate, exercising (liar), or beauty–don’t write about that, because there are already BILLIONS of writers filling the blogosphere about that. What else do you love? Eating all the marshmallows out of the Lucky Charms cereal, leaving only the frosted “oat” shapes for the rest of family? Hiding your spouse’s keys and watching him scramble to find them when he’s late for a meeting? (Hilarious. I suggest doing it at least once a week.) If you love torturing small creatures, don’t write about that. Get help.

Steal Ideas: Read what other people write, and then write something similar–with your own special twist. Example: If you Google “How to Roast a Chicken” you’ll find several blogs written by chicken-roasting experts. Add a twist to that and write “How to Roast A Chicken that Your Child Raised for 4H.”

Write About Your Strengths: No one wants to read about how freaking perfect you are. When I say “strengths” I mean things like, How I Found the Strength To Not Strangle My Husband After He Watched Golf All Weekend. Or How I Found the Strength to Act Like I Was Listening to My 4-Year-Old. (These are actually great topics. Don’t steal those. I might use them later.)

Working with Grandma-2 (2)

(Have a lucky talisman nearby. Some people have a rabbit’s foot. I hold a grandson.)

Write About Your Mistakes/Failures: Did you make oatmeal cookies using salt instead of sugar? And then did you take them to your 7th grade party? And then did your friends take a bite and throw them over the fence to the neighbor’s dog? And were you afraid to admit you made the cookies, because then your friends would think you were stupid? And did you vow to never a) make cookies, b) have friends, c) return to school? Yeah, write about that.

Make Lists: Lists are a super-easy, no-talent-required way to write a blog. (Maybe you’ve noticed most of my blogs include a list.) With lists, you can:

  • Give several examples
  • Take up space
  • Refer back to #1
  • Refer to previous blogs
  • Make a list of your favorite things (See first example)

Now your creative juices should be flowing. At least I hope that’s creative juice.

Top 5 Ways to Increase Blog Traffic (Sex)

Is your mother the only person reading your blog? Are you posting spammed comments so you look popular? Do you wish you could attract more people to your site? Well, today’s your lucky day. Sex. By incorporating these Top 5 suggestions, your blog should reach at least two people by the end of November.


1. Use blog terminology: By harnessing your blog roll and syndicating the content on your RSS feed, under the auspices of links and trackbacks, your search optimizationed guest bloggers will soon nominate yourself for web rings and online blogosphere analytics. Then you can StumbleUpon interaction with the blogeur du jour. Sex.

2. Be yourself. (Unless you’re boring. Then be somebody else): Tap into your “inner voice” while writing your blog. No, not the inner “voices” that tell you to eat a bucket of KFC in the Victoria’s Secret dressing room (sex), but write from your “truth,” your “Self,” your “innate being.” (I need to stop reading Deepak Chopra.) Sex.

deepak(This man listens to the voices.)

3. Be SEO-Friendly: Invite SEOs over for dinner. Since they are running big companies, and are connected to the “little people” in their organizations, SEOs can offer great advice for creating content that is timely, fun and in high-demand. (Some SEOs can be real jerks. That’s okay. They can’t help it. Love them anyway. AAAARRRGGHH!! Damn  you, Deepak!) Lots of sex.

4. Follow other bloggers: I must admit, I TOTALLY misunderstood this concept, and spent many hours in my car, camped in front of the home of one of my favorite bloggers. She finally called the police. But we all had a good laugh at the situation, and they sent me on my way. (Little did they know, I cut a lock of her hair when she wasn’t looking.)

Mexican Cruise 2009 205(Every move you make, every step you take. . . .)

5. Use key words to attract the online audience: Sex.

Follow this advice, then sit back and watch your views increase incrementally!

My 100th Post

If this blog was a television sitcom, I’d be celebrating my 100th episode with big-name guest stars. But since this is only a blog, that’s not gonna happen.  I could have invited some guest bloggers to post something . . . or . . . I could do a video montage of past postings set to “The Rose” by Bette Midler.

(Insert video montage here.)

But that sounds like WAAAY too much work. Instead I’ve listed 100 reasons that you should keep reading my blog.

Take your pick:

1. You have nothing else to do.

2. The TV isn’t working.

3. Better than cleaning the floorboards.

4. Can’t sleep.

5. It isn’t quite time for breakfast/lunch/dinner.

6. Beats having a tooth filled.

(I passed out just posting this picture.)

7. The boss isn’t around.

8. It makes you feel superior.

9. You might laugh.

10. If you don’t laugh, you can at least judge me.

11. The kids are taking a nap.

12. You’ve already checked out the really cool blogs.

13. You want me to talk about my crazy-ass dog, Ringo.

(Ringo. Chillin’.)

14. It’s full of factual information.

15. Not.

16. It’s better than regrouting the tile.

17. It keeps you from eating leftover Halloween candy.

18. You might learn something.

19. But, probably not.

20. It keeps you off the streets.

(Fellow journalist.)

21. I get $1 million for each visit to my site.

22. If you stop reading my blog, I’ll become a ghost of a person.

23. It’s a great weight-loss tool.

24. It keeps you from shoplifting.

25. You need a safe place to visit.

26. This is a no-judgement zone.

27. It’s better than having a bladder infection.

28. You can correct my grammar.

29. You can develop a penchant for sarcasm.

30. It goes well with chocolate.


(I want to look like this at least one time per day.)

31. It’s probably snowing.

32. It’s better than going to the OB-GYN.

33. It’s better than a kick in the pants.

Screw it. I can’t think of 100 reasons. Just read this list two more times, add one more reason–and we’ll call it good.

Ego Check

On Wednesday, WordPress featured my blog on its Freshly Pressed page (thank you!) and my hits went through the ROOF! I’ve been pecking out this blog since April and I usually get around 50 hits per day. So when I looked at my blog on Wednesday and saw nearly 500 hits, I was floored. In the next 2 days, I had more than 5,000 people visit my blog and leave some really cool comments.

I’m usually not the type of person that seeks fame, fortune or fans (okay. . .maybe fortune) but in the course of 48 hours, my ego expanded. As did the size of my head.

If you ever have the same “10-to-15-minutes-of-fame” type experience, here are some ego-stages you can expect to go through:

Compulsive Behavior: I started checking the hits on my blog every TWO minutes–if not more. It was addicting to watch the number jump from 15 views in the morning to more than 1,000 views just a few hours later. Clicking my mouse was more of a nervous tic than an actual conscious movement. I started sneakily checking my blog–because my husband kept laughing at me. (I think he was just jealous.)

Writing Out My Award Speech: After all the positive remarks, I figured the next step for my blog was to win the Pulitzer Prize for Humor Blogging. (If that’s not a category, it should be.) I began writing my acceptance speech. “I’d like to thank all the little people who made this day possible. I can’t think of your names right now, but you probably know who you are. And thank you, Jesus.”

(This would make a great Pulitzer belt buckle.)

Crash and Burn: After the initial elation of having people VISIT my blog (wah?!?!), I prepped myself for the future as a world-famous blogger. But by Friday (today), visits to my blog had dropped significantly. I’d already been forgotten. People were moving on to the more current, younger, more beautiful bloggers. It was inevitable. My head shrank back to its normal size and I put my Pulitzer acceptance speech in a drawer for another time. (It’s pertinent for many other Pulitzer prizes.)

Oh, the Pressure!!! After life returns to normal, how can I ever blog again? Can I still be witty? Relevant? (Was I EVER witty and/or relevant?) How will I ever address all the humor needs of the blog world? AAARRRGGGGHH!! I can’t stand the pressure. I need to eat some chocolate and take a nap.

My previously ego-swollen head is now pounding with inadequacy. Thanks WordPress.