It’s September, so Tom and I decided to take a summer vacation. We flew off to the Windy City to eat deep dish pizza and Chicago dogs, attend ball games and leave our real lives behind. We had SO much fun and did all the touristy things like visiting Navy Pier (along with a majillion other people), taking a river cruise, biking along Lake Michigan and yelling at cab drivers.

(Cloud Gate? Who knew?)

But we also saw some really strange things in Chicago. Here’s a list:

• Our tour guide who could talk about the architecture of Chicago while, at the same time, explaining how she was BFFs with Oprah, leaving her boyfriend for Michael Jordan, and making up bulls*** stories about the city such as, “Wacker Street is named after Al Capone because it’s where he wacked his victims.” She was, shall we say. . . interesting.

(Even Capone looks irritated by her stories.)

• Oblivious pedestrians who looked straight at us on our bikes–and walked directly into our path. Maybe they’d always dreamed of being seriously injured in a cyclist/pedestrian accident.
• Squirrels carrying baby squirrels in their mouths. They were either eating their young (which I highly recommend) or I inadvertently stumbled across a squirrel kidnapping ring. Those are the only two options that make sense.

(Chicago is known for its gangsta activity.)

• Cubs fans.
• Horn language. All cars in Chicago communicate through a series of short beeps, honks, toots and burps. Of course, we didn’t know the language so we just thought everyone was mad at us. Which they probably were.
• A brain on a stick. Okay, in the light of day I realized it was a rose-painted water tower. But in the dark: brain on a stick.

(It COULD be a brain on a stick.)

• Humidity. Being from Utah, 20% humidity is enough to make us start whining. But 80% humidity!??! Really? One minute, I was sweating like a marathon runner (which I’m not) and the next, I’d be freezing as the sweat was chilled by the wind coming off the lake.
• White Sox fans.
• The new and “improved” Soldier Field. Just plain ugly. It looks like someone dropped a toilet on a Greek temple. Classy.

(The first location for the Nabisco Toilet Bowl.)