Top 5 Diet Tricks That Just Don’t Work

Yes, I know in order to lose weight I should exercise more and eat less. But that’s absolutely not fun. So I keep looking for sneaky ways to burn calories–that doesn’t involve any effort. Fitness magazines list “tricks” to losing weight–like it’s some kind of magic sleight of hand that keeps the extra 10 pounds hanging off my butt.

Some “tricks” make sense, others–not so much. Well, they might make sense to people who aren’t looking for “tricks” to make the “tricks” allow for more food.

Here are the top 5 diet tricks that always trip me up:

1. Get 5-9 servings of vegetables every day. I can do that. The problem comes when I start counting apple pie, peach cobbler, raspberry muffins, zucchini bread, applesauce cookies, sweet potato fries and pumpkin pancakes as fruit/vegetable servings. The scale is definitely moving–just in the wrong direction.

(Raspberry muffins with pecans and coconut. Now THIS is diet food.)

2. Use a small bowl for portion control. Great! I took a small bowl out of the cupboard and filled it with potato chips–10 times. Did you know an entire bag of Limon-flavored Lay’s will fit into a small bowl? Crazy.

 3. Ask yourself if you’re really hungry. Well of course I’m really hungry, stupid. Why else would I be stuffing my face with Dove chocolates at eight in the morning? And don’t tell me I’m eating to mask my feelings. I’M NOT! I’m not angry, frustrated or upset, you nosy, obnoxious, know-it-all pain in the a**!!

4. Enjoy your favorite treats so you don’t feel deprived. Done. Next.

5. Eat several mini-meals each day. Now, when they say “mini-meals,” does that mean a small burger, small fries and small shake five times a day? Because if that’s what that means (and that’s how I’ve chosen to interpret that advice), then I don’t see myself fitting into a slinky dress anytime soon without the help of 3 sets of Spanx, a forklift and 2 broken ribs.

 

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13 thoughts on “Top 5 Diet Tricks That Just Don’t Work

  1. WOW…. I just love it.. Let me try it once…. Thanks for the useful dieting tricks.

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  2. This is so true. Eat, drink, and be merry or be thin, angry, and hungry!

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  3. Hilarious! Love it! Um, do add a Twitter share button so we can share your gloriousness with others? 😀

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  4. You sure have a good way to make us all chuckle a bit then get on with the task at hand. I like your sense of humor.

    Sandy O

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  5. ha! “Spanx, a forklift and 2 broken ribs” perfect ending!

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  6. haha! I enjoy your honesty here! What if your body is just different? And trying to get it to fit into the diets and rules and suggestions is never going to work? I don’t suggest that to bring you down! ha! Moreso to suggest that what if you could ask your body what it requires? would that be way too out there? How much have we ACTUALLY been choosing based on our true awareness of what it is telling us it needs, and what we have absorbed, read, been told, taken on from parents etc….??
    Makes you wonder! Have you heard of the muscle test?

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