Terrible Things to Say to Someone on a Diet

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If you are speaking to, dating, married to or just looking at a woman, there’s a good chance (100%) that she’s just finished a diet, just started a diet, is cheating on a diet or will be starting a diet tomorrow. There’s never a time women don’t think about food/calories/dress sizes/exercise/futility.

If you are a sensitive-type person, you’ll be conscious of this fact, and avoid saying something stupid. If you’re not sensitive, here’s a handy list of things you shouldn’t say if you want to avoid having someone punch you in the throat.

  • “I like a woman with meat on her bones.” What the hell are you? A Velociraptor? That’s like saying, “I love all the mounds of flesh barnacled to your skeleton.”

velociraptor(“I’ll just baste you with some lemon juice.” Tasty.)

  • “You just need more willpower.” The only willpower I need is the willpower not to stab you in the kidney.
  • “Are you sure you should eat that?” Unless I’m unknowingly placing a live scorpion in my mouth, shut the hell up.
  • “I thought you were on a diet.” Well, I was on a diet from murdering people. But now I’m not. I’m a yo-yo murderer.
  • “I like having something to hold on to.” That’s what handlebars are for. Leaving my muffin top alone!
  • “How much do you want to weigh?” I want to weigh enough so I can sit on your chest and asphyxiate you boa constrictor-style.
  • “Just think like a thin person.” The thin people I know seem angry, depressed and very, very hungry. I’ll just eat this apple pie and call it good.
  • “It’s probably a glandular/hormonal/metabolic/pre-menopausal problem.” Unless my glands weigh 20 pounds each, that’s probably not it. And if you say I’m pre-menopausal, you might want to run from me as far and as fast as you can.
  • “Aren’t you hungry?” Yes!! By all the Norse Gods! I’m starving here!
  • “Have you tried exercising?” Wow! Exercise! Why didn’t I think of that?

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In fact, there’s really not much you can say that will keep you from getting slapped. Just leave a plate of lemon squares on the porch, and you’ll probably be safe.

Top 5 Diet Tricks That Just Don’t Work

Yes, I know in order to lose weight I should exercise more and eat less. But that’s absolutely not fun. So I keep looking for sneaky ways to burn calories–that doesn’t involve any effort. Fitness magazines list “tricks” to losing weight–like it’s some kind of magic sleight of hand that keeps the extra 10 pounds hanging off my butt.

Some “tricks” make sense, others–not so much. Well, they might make sense to people who aren’t looking for “tricks” to make the “tricks” allow for more food.

Here are the top 5 diet tricks that always trip me up:

1. Get 5-9 servings of vegetables every day. I can do that. The problem comes when I start counting apple pie, peach cobbler, raspberry muffins, zucchini bread, applesauce cookies, sweet potato fries and pumpkin pancakes as fruit/vegetable servings. The scale is definitely moving–just in the wrong direction.

(Raspberry muffins with pecans and coconut. Now THIS is diet food.)

2. Use a small bowl for portion control. Great! I took a small bowl out of the cupboard and filled it with potato chips–10 times. Did you know an entire bag of Limon-flavored Lay’s will fit into a small bowl? Crazy.

 3. Ask yourself if you’re really hungry. Well of course I’m really hungry, stupid. Why else would I be stuffing my face with Dove chocolates at eight in the morning? And don’t tell me I’m eating to mask my feelings. I’M NOT! I’m not angry, frustrated or upset, you nosy, obnoxious, know-it-all pain in the a**!!

4. Enjoy your favorite treats so you don’t feel deprived. Done. Next.

5. Eat several mini-meals each day. Now, when they say “mini-meals,” does that mean a small burger, small fries and small shake five times a day? Because if that’s what that means (and that’s how I’ve chosen to interpret that advice), then I don’t see myself fitting into a slinky dress anytime soon without the help of 3 sets of Spanx, a forklift and 2 broken ribs.