Top 5 Things To Expect at the Republican National Convention

(“America! Freedom! Jesus! Guns! Wealth! Strippers!”)

While watching TV over the weekend, there was a “news” story on CNN about how strip clubs in Tampa are preparing for the Republican National Convention. I guess all those family-values spouting “conservatives” just can’t wait to stuff dollar bills into a hooker’s g-string.

Anyway.

Here are the Top 5 Things To Expect at the RNC:

1. The coronation of His Highness Mitt Romney and His Vice-Highness Paul Ryan. All previous GOP candidates will put their hatred and harsh comments aside (at least in public) and rally behind the almost-human-but-not-quite Romney/Ryan team. Except for Ron Paul, who seems to be the only Republican not willing to sacrifice his soul for the party.

2. A TON of patriotic music. Scheduled to perform are country-lovin’ groups and singers like The Oak Ridge Boys, Lynyrd Skynyrd, Trace Adkins, Kid Rock, Lee Greenwood and Willie Nelson. Assuming all these women-free performers follow through (without being scared off by Hurricane Isaac), there should be red, white and blue tears leaking out of everyone’s eyes by the end of the week.

(I’ve heard Chick-fil-A is catering the convention.)

3. Lots of speakers who are women.  Just so the Republicans can show us their women aren’t just gun-totin’, Jesus lovin’ trophy wives, they’ve lined up a series of highfalutin females to talk about Chevrolet, baseball and apple pie. (After their speeches, the women will return to the kitchen to finish up the hors d’oeuvres.)

4.Presidential candidate Mitt Romney’s non-answers. People, people. Don’t let Romney’s non-answers to legitimate questions bother you. His answers are Zen, akin to “the sound of one hand clapping” and “a tree falling in the woods.” For his real answers, watch FOX news for a lively interpretation. Or Jon Stewart for a funnier interpretation.

5. A media blitz/social media frenzy. Gazillions of reporters, pundits, comedians, political activists, protestors and bloggers will converge on each delegate, convention attendee or innocent bystander creating Tweets, FB posts, #inanecomments, up-to-the-minute reports–and maybe even some actual news reporting. Hahaha. Just kidding about the news.

What you WON’T hear are remarks about “legitimate” rape, disbanding the NRA, gay marriage, cutting taxes for the middle class or the legislation and registration of women’s private parts (well, maybe in the strip clubs).

Top 5 Reasons I Won’t Vote for Mitt Romney

It’s official. Former Massachusetts governor, former Olympic savior, former presidential loser Mitt Romney is, once again, running for president.

Sigh.

Does EVERY republican have to run for president?

Here are the Top 5 Reasons Why I Just Can’t Bring Myself to Vote for Boy Wonder:

#1: He reminds me too much of Guy Smiley–the suave, slick game show host from Sesame Street.

#2: He tries a little too hard to prove he’s “one of us.” (When we ALL have a summer home in New Hampshire–then we’ll talk.)

#3: His “sense of humor” is a little off. Maybe he could print some kind of guide to understand his “jokes.” (He recently sent leftover pizza to Obama’s campaign headquarters in Chicago as a prank. Hahahahahaha. Wait. I don’t get it.)

#4: He doesn’t just speak out of both sides of his mouth; he’s like that two-headed cow at the county fair.

#5: He’s WAY too obsessed with his hair.  Never trust a person with hair that doesn’t blow in the wind.