Top 5 Things Men Should Stop Doing

I appreciate women can be difficult. We’re uber-smart, super strong, overly capable and do a variety of activities while wearing six-inch heels and applying lip gloss. But, for some reason, men continue to patronize us while totally ignoring the fact we’re intelligent beings.

Here are the top 5 things men should just stop doing. Right now. I mean it. Stop it.

Dont:

1. Talk down to us: Nothing is more insulting than hearing, “Look how hard she’s trying” or “Isn’t it cute how much effort she’s making?” We’re not stupid pets, gentlemen. We don’t need our heads patted or our bellies rubbed. Keep it up and you might find a pencil stuck in one of your sinus cavities.

2. Lecture: Because men are obviously SO MUCH SMARTER than women, men tend to lecture us about things that a) we already know or b) are total bulls***.  Shut up already. And don’t think you need to explain things to us. We get it. I promise.

(“How’s that knife wound in your kidney workin’ for ya?”)

3. Brag: It’s just dandy that you were a high school football star—20 years ago. I’m happy that you like to participate in triathlons on the weekends–and talk about it all week. Killed a moose with your bare hands? Rode a rabid ostrich through the Outback? Took down a terrorist cell with a plastic hanger and a Tootsie Pop? Great. Now, don’t you have something else you should be doing? Like working?

4. Describe your perfect woman: Yes, we know your dream girl looks NOTHING like us. We’re not constantly being airbrushed, made up, tousled, surgically enhanced or pouting seductively. So stop telling us what we lack. Either appreciate it or get lost.

5. Act Like You’re Listening: Granted, women like to talk about their “feelings” or their “lack of validation.” I understand that gets boring at times for you men, and it’s hard to listen when it’s your turn at Draw Something. But, dammit, we listen to your inane recounts of basketball games, baseball highlights, golf scores, video game activities and how much you hate your boss. Blankly staring at us does NOT constitute listening. Are you listening?!?!?

Dropping these bad habits will ensure a life-long appreciation from the women in your life. Just sayin’.

Straight to DVD . . .

With the box-office success of the badly-dialogued Battleship, I thought I’d give board-game-based screenplay writing a try. (Vote for your favorite. I’ll write it, submit it to Hollywood and watch the cash roll in. Mwahahahaha!)

Operation: A medieval doctor with a drinking problem operates on patients without anaesthesia. (Well, the patients aren’t anesthetized.) Since Hugh Laurie is out of work, I think he’d be a perfect lead.

(Watch Hugh Laurie’s nose light up!)

Aggravation: An easily-irritated man commutes to work on the CA-91 in Los Angeles. His one-hour, “lost-footage” adventure is highlighted with profanity, bouts of crying and lots of inane one-liners like, “Stop tailgatin’ me, punk!” Starring Mel Gibson or Ron Artest.

Cootie: A loser high school student has an unfortunate accident involving a nuclear reactor and a flea (details are vague). He spends the rest of the movie trying to understand his new superpower of repelling girls, wondering why his dog has stopped loving him.

(Cooties need love, too.)

Sorry!: Follow the dark path of state senator Sleaze McGee. See him caught in a bribery scandal. (Sorry!) Watch him get wrapped up in a prostitution sting. (Sorry!). See him explain his $15,000 all-expense-paid trip to Barbados with his intern, Rodney. (Sorry!) Watch him tell his wife he wants gender-altering surgery. (Sorry!) What? Too real?

Hi-Ho! Cherry-O: A group of illegal immigrants travel from farm to farm,  picking cherries to support their families. Good times, bad times, funny times and poignant moments. TWIST: At the end they find out they were legal the entire time. Hahahahaha!

(A Mexican-American Grapes of Wrath.)

Mr. Potato Head: Adam Sandler stars as a zany banker with a big head and removable body parts. He spends the movie looking for his lost penis. Oh, wait. I think he already made that movie.

Memory: Set in an assisted living center, this dramedy follows a group of wacky, early-dementia patients and their brouhahas. “Where did we get this Lincoln Continental full of champagne?” “Where did we leave Daniel’s oxygen tank?” “Where’s my underwear?” (Possible leads: Bruce Willis, Helen Mirren, Morgan Freeman and a hologram of George Burns.)

Jenga: A group of sneaky politicians slowly build a wobbly tower of corruption that eventually collapses when political pundits knock it over with Tinkertoy bombs.

(Jenga is Swahili for “to build.” Not kidding. Look it up)

Mad Gab:  A movie-ized version of Fox News. I know. It might be too scary.

Pictionary: A group of husbands spend an evening explaining the plot of several action movies to their wives. Chaos ensues as the men illustrate the finer points of The Expendables and Inception. The wives, who already understand the plots, go to dinner.

Barrel of Monkeys: A group of mutant kindergarteners take over the country, flinging poo and destroying city after city. This movie was originally called Congress.

(Funny. If it wasn’t true.)

Trivial Pursuit: A young man falls in love with a woman who is in love with someone else. Several misunderstandings. A potential relationship-ending fight. A montage of their favorite moments (accompanied by the song “Almost Paradise”). After a final series of mishaps, they get married in an unconventional way. (This could also be called Every Rom-Com Ever Made.)

Vote now!

Things Driving Me Crazy Today

Wind makes me tense. So does being awake. So when I’m awake on a blustery day, I tend to be easily irritated. Here are the main culprits causing my insanity today.

(Wind is NEVER this romantic.)

  • Tank tops with built-in “bras.” Tank top makers, my bosom area doesn’t fit into those stupid built-in Kleenex bras so I have to wear a sports bra anyway. Then the built-in bra rides up on my chestal area, creating a muffin-top effect. More than a little disturbing.
  • Hostess. I KNOW how bad those cupcakes, donettes, blackberry pies and Ho-Hos are for me. But I can’t stop craving those tasty, sugar-filled demons. I think cream filling is a mixture of meth and sugar to keep me coming back.

(The box says there are 180 calories for 3 donettes. But that seems a little high. I’m sure it’s wrong.)

  • Talking to customer service for internet/phone/cable. We recently changed our communications company because the previous one was exasperating. But when I called to cancel, I had to explain to several people, in several different languages, why I didn’t want their product anymore. Can’t they just have a button to press to cancel service without talking to anyone?
  • Sign-Twirling Teens. The marketing agency that thought putting teenagers on street corners holding signs was a good idea should be disbanded. Because NOW the twitchy teens feel the need to dance and spin the signs around–totally negating the purpose of advertising since I can’t read the DAMN sign until you stop spinning it like a helicopter.

(Yeah, that upside-down phone number is very helpful. Thanks.)

  • Slow walkers!!!! It’s a guarantee when I’m in a hurry, there will be someone walking in front of me at the speed of lard. And there’s usually no way to get around them, so I take slow, exaggerated steps behind them thinking that  my passive actions will somehow speed them up. Doesn’t work.

Top 5 Ways to Tell It’s Spring in Utah

Utah is “blessed” to experience all four seasons (deer hunt, basketball, soccer and tourist). But when spring finally arrives (usually around July 22), the weather actually becomes bearable. Translation: I can wear shorts and tank tops without a parka.

(You can tell it’s May. Shorts and flip-flops, baby!)

Here are the top 5 ways to tell it’s spring in the Beehive State:

1. Graffiti: Warm weather brings out the L’il Monet in gangsta wanna-bes. Territory-marking Picassos tag fences, electrical boxes or garage doors. Not only should these ruinous Renoirs be spanked for bad behavior, the grammar police should beat them with dictionaries. The fact these vandalizing Van Gogh’s don’t use vowels bothers me to no end. Everyone uses vowels. Even Hitler used vowels.

2. Pre-Summer-vacation blues: When the neighbor women start stockpiling anti-depressants and Merlot, I know that June is approaching and school will be out soon. Mothers who put June Cleaver to shame, start looking frayed around the edges, trembling for no reason and jumping at loud noises. Bouts of depression are experienced in most kitchens all through May.

(Rouse me when the kids go back to school.)

3. Road Construction: Okay, this doesn’t really count because the Utah Department of Transportation does road construction YEAR ROUND. But spring usually heralds in a flurry of new road projects, road closures, intersection rebuilds and flaring tempers. Most drivers spend their commute idling in their cars, cleaning their weapons.

4. Spring Yardwork: For approximately 22 minutes during May, I’m excited about doing yardwork. It’s usually a beautiful, sunny day as I plant petunias, snapdragons, marigolds and other hardy plants that I will completely ignore for the next four months.

(My garden in May. . .

. . . and in August.)

5. Junior Sports: All across the state, grade-school kids are donning shin-guards, baseball jerseys, soccer shorts and athletic cups. Except for the girls. (They don’t wear shin-guards.) Parents and grandparents sit in the cold and wind (more signs of spring), watching their little ones tackle runners going to third base, kicking goals for the other team and being yelled at by angry fathers living vicariously through their five-year-olds.

Once each of these items are checked off, summer can officially arrive!!!

Top 5 Reasons I Hate Tuesdays

Everyone whines and whines about Mondays–but anyone with sense knows the worst day of the week is Tuesday. If the end of the world happens, it will be on a Tuesday. Guaranteed.

It’s never a day off work, never a “hump” day and never part of an extended weekend, unless that Monday-night party left you incapacitated.

(Wha? It’s Tuesday? Damn.)

Here are 5 reasons I absolutely HATE Tuesdays:

1. It’s considered the second day of the week. And everyone knows that “second” really means “first loser.” It should be called Luesday.

2. Monday is all busy emails, busy phone calls, busy deadlines. Tuesday is all “Oh, it’s not even CLOSE to Friday yet.” In fact, it’s about as far away from Friday as you can get.

(No matter which way you go. Friday is too far away)

3. Because of THIS definition of Tuesday from Wikipedia (“Wiki” being derived from Latin for “confusing” and “pedia” meaning “full of s***”). “The English name is derived from Tiwesdæg and Tewesday, meaning “Tīw’s Day”, the day of Tiw.” WTF??

4. Tuesday is election day in the U.S. where we elect wealthy government officials who will eventually screw us over for their own best interests. If we had election days on Wednesdays, that wouldn’t happen.

(This is all Tuesday’s fault.)

5. There are no good songs about Tuesday. Do you know why? Because Tuesdays suck. Here are some memorable Tuesday song lyrics:

  • “Good-bye, Ruby Tuesday. Who could hang a name on you?” (Again. WTF?)
  • “Tuesday. Afternoon. I’m just beginning to see. Now I’m on my way. It doesn’t matter to me. Chasing the clouds away.” (Must have been some strong stuff.)
  • “Tuesday came and went like a helicopter overhead.” (Yep.)

I rest my case. ‘Nuff said.

Things Driving Me Crazy Today

I’m usually so mild-mannered and relaxed. But once in a while, my knickers get twisted and I get highly irrational. This is one of those times. These are things twisting my knickers today:

  • North Korea. Just ’cause.
  • My bathroom scale. I’m pretty sure it’s stuck. (I tried bashing it with a hammer, but the number still didn’t change.)

(The view of the numbers is so much better down here.)

  • Men.
  • People who text while you’re trying to have a conversation with them. Put down your damn phone!!!
  • Shaving my legs and then noticing I missed ALL the hair on my knees. (I usually notice this when I’m sitting in the sun, wearing shorts, and everyone is pointing at my hairy knees and laughing.)
  • Going through the entire day with pepper stuck between my front teeth. Thanks “friends” for letting me know.
  • ANY “news” about Zac Efron. Holy crap, people. (His name sounds like an over-the-counter allergy medication.)
  • Being told multi-vitamins don’t do any good. And then being told all the produce at the grocery store has been leached of any nutrition. What am I supposed to eat to be healthy? (I guess it’s back to chocolate donuts and Coke.)

 (Breakfast, lunch and dinner of champions.)

  • Ringo the Dog when he decides to chase a cat. If you see someone running down your street, swinging a tangled leash and yelling “Come back, dumba**!!” It’s probably me.
  • Going to the grocery store and not having anything good to eat for dinner. (Chocolate donuts and Coke, again.)

Yoga vs. Cardio Blast

For several years I taught an early morning yoga class on Wednesdays. What a great way to start the day!! Unfortunately, very few people felt the same way–and my class was cancelled. (Death to change!)

But NOW my boss has me teaching a Cardio Blast, high-intensity interval class at 5:45 on Wednesday mornings that involves jumping around until my lungs leak out my nose.

Here are the main differences between a power yoga workout and cardio blast:

Heart Rate: While a good power yoga class gets the ol’ heart pumpin’, a Cardio Blast heartbeat is more like a hummingbird on meth. Get the heart rate up, stop. Get the heart rate up, stop. When you can’t feel your heart beating anymore, take a break.

Absence of Zen: Yoga is all about living in the moment. High-intensity intervals is more about making it THROUGH the moment–without the help of a defibrillator. (Although I keep one close.)

(I’ll be fine. Just let me finish that last interval . . .)

Breathing: Yoga uses breath to support, lift and focus. Cardio Blast uses breath by making short, steady gasping and wheezing noises. And since I’m wearing a microphone, my dying Darth Vader breath is sent through the speakers at high volumes. Plus, when my heart rates spikes, my face turns bright red. I look like a freakin’ thermometer.

Finale: The last minutes of yoga are spent in deep relaxation with a quiet mind and focused breath. The last minutes of Cardio Blast are spent trying not to die. I leave yoga feeling composed and ready to face the day. I leave my interval class–usually in a wheelchair sucking on oxygen through a tube in my nose.

Benefits: Yoga builds strength, increases flexibility and teaches patience. Intervals are supposed to increase oxygen capacity, create strength and melt fat. I haven’t seen evidence of that yet, but I have noticed it causes me to swear a lot more during class.

Music: Yoga tunes are inherently relaxing, zen-like tones, usually Peruvians playing pipes, or sounds of nature–like seagulls or whales. Cardio Blast music is a mash-up between techno, pop, dance and a drummer taking Red Bull shots. If you leave the class with your hearing intact, the music wasn’t loud enough.

Now, get out there and get your heart pumping. Well, I hope it’s already pumping.

Top 5 Reasons to Be Happy Today

Society tends to be pessimistic. Global warming, higher taxes, the New York Jets and Mitt Romney cause dark clouds to form in our brains. But, look at the bright side! Cheer up! Turn that frown upside down! Spoonful of sugar! Blah, blah, blah!

Here are some reasons to be happy today:

1–It’s A New Beginning: So, let’s say you’re a serial killer. Have you killed anyone today? Probably not. It’s a great day to start over and move on to better things. Murder is SO beneath you. Or, perhaps, you had an argument with your husband yesterday and spent $2,000 on mall crap. Today’s a new day! Forgive yourself and vow to spend half that much next time.

Moral: Every day is a new chance to be a better person.

(Bury the hatchet on your old habits. So to speak.)

2–You Have More Than Enough: Have you looked in your closet or pantry lately? Chances are they are both overflowing with stuff you never use, such as Healthy Choice soup you vowed to eat for lunch every day, or the cheetah-print high-tops that went so well with your jeggings. Find pleasure in what you already own.

Moral: There’s nothing you need RIGHT NOW.

3–You’re Not Dead: If you spent Easter weekend drinking Peep martinis, you might FEEL like you’re dead–or even WISH you were dead. But chances are, you’re not. You can spend the day not being dead. That involves things like eating Mexican food, watching mindless TV shows and surfing YouTube videos until your brains fall out. But. You’re still not dead.

Moral: Enjoy being alive.

(What being alive is all about.)

4–Today Could be the Best Day of Your Life: The only problem with this statement is that, from now one, every other day you’re alive will suck. Unless you can figure out a way to make every day even better than the one before. But that’s freakin’ stressful.

Moral: Resign yourself to having a GREAT day, but not the BEST day.

5–Follow Your Destiny:  As every feel-good guru will tell you–you can do anything! Want to hunt unicorns while riding a T-Rex? Done. Ready to win the lottery so you can solve world hunger? Not a problem. If that’s your destiny, all will be well. Unfortunately, most destinies involve working at a low- to mid-paying jobs, hating your co-workers and living from paycheck to paycheck until you die.

Moral: Keep your destiny realistic. Then you can’t be disappointed.

(Hey, little unicorn. We’re not going to hurt you. . .)

There. Don’t you feel happier already? It’s like magic.

Egg-stra Fun Easter Traditions

It’s Easter-time again. Tulips are blooming. Birds are singing. Czech men are beating their wives with pussy-willows.

Yep. That’s right. Pussy-willow whippin’ is just one of many strange Easter traditions from around the globe. The idea is, pussy-willow whips will bring health and youth to anyone who is smacked with them. Don’t knock it. I might try it if it will take a few years off.

Here are some other great traditions to incorporate into your Easter holiday:

Watching The Ten Commandments: Every year, this epic movie airs on TV during the Easter weekend. Get your fill of Egyptian plagues, perils and punishments before enjoying a nice Sunday brunch with the family.

Don’t Forget the Bilby: Australians are not fond of rabbits. In fact, you could say the Aussies LOATHE the furry little critters. So instead of chocolate bunnies on Easter, Australian young-uns find chocolate bilbies in their baskets. (There has to be a vaccine for that.) Creepy, Flying Bells: Talk about unidentified flying objects, in parts of Europe (crazy place, Europe) the story is told that church bells fly to Rome for a few days of R&R before flying back to their home turf on Easter morning. The bells soar gracefully through the sky, bringing colored eggs, chocolates and toys to tiny tots. Uh huh. How much vodka are those Europeans drinking?

The Irresistable Butter Lamb: Ever wanted to sculpt a lamb made completely of butter, then eat it during Easter dinner? Well, if you love butter, this might be a fun (if not greasy) tradition. As everyone knows, the butter lamb signifies the richness of Christ. Although it seems a little sacrilegious . . . and cannibalistic . . . to spread Christ on a biscuit.

(May contain vast amounts of heart-clogging materials. Happy Easter!)

Burning Judas: No. That’s not the name of a really cool rock group (yet). It’s a fun, family tradition in many Orthodox communities that involves burning an effigy of the traitorous Judas. Kind of like lighting a pinata on fire. (Without the candy.) Some groups even have a trial for the much-maligned apostle before condemning the figure to hanging and burning. At times, Judas has even been filled with fireworks. (Something my brother, the pyro, would do.) Nothing like that Christ-like forgiveness while celebrating the Easter holiday.

So, if you’re tired of the same boring traditions like coloring eggs, dyeing chicks, hiding candy and eating too much ham and creamy potatoes, try some of these new traditions and bring a whole new dimension (insanity) to your family’s day. But don’t forget the bunnies. Or else. . .

(Death awaits you all. With big, nasty, pointy teeth.)

Top 5 Things I Miss About Elementary School

(This is where it all happened.)

I attended Viewmont Elementary in Murray, Utah, during the ’70s. I survived this “far out” decade by going to school, watching cartoons, playing outside after dinner until it was too dark to see, eating casseroles and reading until I fell asleep. My kind of life–except the casserole part.

Besides readin’, writin’ and ‘rithmetic, I learned important lessons during that time. Here are the top five things I miss about being in grade school.

1. Optimism: Kids under the age of 12 are optimistic. They admit they’re happy. They tell people they’re happy. They do happy things–like smile and laugh. Once they hit junior high, being happy just isn’t cool. No one sees a smiling 14-year-old girl. Or if they do, they instantly drug test her. If she doesn’t stab them first.

(Try to make her smile and you’ll end up strapped to the train tracks.)

2. The Reading Corner: Once our school work was done, we could hang out in the back of the class at the reading lounge–a groovy square of carpet covered with bean bag chairs surrounded by bookshelves. My idea of heaven. I think employers should invest in a good reading corner.

3. Recess: Why does recess stop after sixth grade? Don’t grown-ups know that kids of every age need to run around and scream for 15-20 minutes? Employers would get better work production if their employees were let out twice a day to run around, play dodgeball or hopscotch, shoot hoops, play marbles and four-square, jump rope, play with big parachutes or just lounge around on the grass watching the clouds.

Kindergarten Program

(We don’t play with parachutes nearly enough.)

4. Snack Time w/o Guilt: Graham crackers and milk was a highlight to my kindergarten day. I didn’t hear ONE person count the calories in the crackers or ask for lactose-free milk. Now, snack time consists of high-fiber, tasteless crap–unless you have snack time hidden in a closet. Then it’s chocolate donuts and Twizzlers!

5.Amazement: Remember learning about the solar system (even Pluto), planting seeds, caring for a class pet or watching those cool Disney nature films that Jiminy Cricket narrated? We used to be AMAZED when we learned new things. Now it’s like, “Oh, I already know everything. Therefore, nothing is amazing.” Bulls***!

(I fell in love with otters in Mrs. Lambert’s second grade class. We’ve had a secret romance for several decades.)

It’s time to stop acting grown up. I hereby declare my adulthood over and my childhood re-opened! Where are the graham crackers and jump ropes?!?!?

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