Utah is “blessed” to experience all four seasons (deer hunt, basketball, soccer and tourist). But when spring finally arrives (usually around July 22), the weather actually becomes bearable. Translation: I can wear shorts and tank tops without a parka.

(You can tell it’s May. Shorts and flip-flops, baby!)

Here are the top 5 ways to tell it’s spring in the Beehive State:

1. Graffiti: Warm weather brings out the L’il Monet in gangsta wanna-bes. Territory-marking Picassos tag fences, electrical boxes or garage doors. Not only should these ruinous Renoirs be spanked for bad behavior, the grammar police should beat them with dictionaries. The fact these vandalizing Van Gogh’s don’t use vowels bothers me to no end. Everyone uses vowels. Even Hitler used vowels.

2. Pre-Summer-vacation blues: When the neighbor women start stockpiling anti-depressants and Merlot, I know that June is approaching and school will be out soon. Mothers who put June Cleaver to shame, start looking frayed around the edges, trembling for no reason and jumping at loud noises. Bouts of depression are experienced in most kitchens all through May.

(Rouse me when the kids go back to school.)

3. Road Construction: Okay, this doesn’t really count because the Utah Department of Transportation does road construction YEAR ROUND. But spring usually heralds in a flurry of new road projects, road closures, intersection rebuilds and flaring tempers. Most drivers spend their commute idling in their cars, cleaning their weapons.

4. Spring Yardwork: For approximately 22 minutes during May, I’m excited about doing yardwork. It’s usually a beautiful, sunny day as I plant petunias, snapdragons, marigolds and other hardy plants that I will completely ignore for the next four months.

(My garden in May. . .

. . . and in August.)

5. Junior Sports: All across the state, grade-school kids are donning shin-guards, baseball jerseys, soccer shorts and athletic cups. Except for the girls. (They don’t wear shin-guards.) Parents and grandparents sit in the cold and wind (more signs of spring), watching their little ones tackle runners going to third base, kicking goals for the other team and being yelled at by angry fathers living vicariously through their five-year-olds.

Once each of these items are checked off, summer can officially arrive!!!