Top 5 Reasons to Be Happy Today

Society tends to be pessimistic. Global warming, higher taxes, the New York Jets and Mitt Romney cause dark clouds to form in our brains. But, look at the bright side! Cheer up! Turn that frown upside down! Spoonful of sugar! Blah, blah, blah!

Here are some reasons to be happy today:

1–It’s A New Beginning: So, let’s say you’re a serial killer. Have you killed anyone today? Probably not. It’s a great day to start over and move on to better things. Murder is SO beneath you. Or, perhaps, you had an argument with your husband yesterday and spent $2,000 on mall crap. Today’s a new day! Forgive yourself and vow to spend half that much next time.

Moral: Every day is a new chance to be a better person.

(Bury the hatchet on your old habits. So to speak.)

2–You Have More Than Enough: Have you looked in your closet or pantry lately? Chances are they are both overflowing with stuff you never use, such as Healthy Choice soup you vowed to eat for lunch every day, or the cheetah-print high-tops that went so well with your jeggings. Find pleasure in what you already own.

Moral: There’s nothing you need RIGHT NOW.

3–You’re Not Dead: If you spent Easter weekend drinking Peep martinis, you might FEEL like you’re dead–or even WISH you were dead. But chances are, you’re not. You can spend the day not being dead. That involves things like eating Mexican food, watching mindless TV shows and surfing YouTube videos until your brains fall out. But. You’re still not dead.

Moral: Enjoy being alive.

(What being alive is all about.)

4–Today Could be the Best Day of Your Life: The only problem with this statement is that, from now one, every other day you’re alive will suck. Unless you can figure out a way to make every day even better than the one before. But that’s freakin’ stressful.

Moral: Resign yourself to having a GREAT day, but not the BEST day.

5–Follow Your Destiny:  As every feel-good guru will tell you–you can do anything! Want to hunt unicorns while riding a T-Rex? Done. Ready to win the lottery so you can solve world hunger? Not a problem. If that’s your destiny, all will be well. Unfortunately, most destinies involve working at a low- to mid-paying jobs, hating your co-workers and living from paycheck to paycheck until you die.

Moral: Keep your destiny realistic. Then you can’t be disappointed.

(Hey, little unicorn. We’re not going to hurt you. . .)

There. Don’t you feel happier already? It’s like magic.

Top 5 Things I Miss About Elementary School

(This is where it all happened.)

I attended Viewmont Elementary in Murray, Utah, during the ’70s. I survived this “far out” decade by going to school, watching cartoons, playing outside after dinner until it was too dark to see, eating casseroles and reading until I fell asleep. My kind of life–except the casserole part.

Besides readin’, writin’ and ‘rithmetic, I learned important lessons during that time. Here are the top five things I miss about being in grade school.

1. Optimism: Kids under the age of 12 are optimistic. They admit they’re happy. They tell people they’re happy. They do happy things–like smile and laugh. Once they hit junior high, being happy just isn’t cool. No one sees a smiling 14-year-old girl. Or if they do, they instantly drug test her. If she doesn’t stab them first.

(Try to make her smile and you’ll end up strapped to the train tracks.)

2. The Reading Corner: Once our school work was done, we could hang out in the back of the class at the reading lounge–a groovy square of carpet covered with bean bag chairs surrounded by bookshelves. My idea of heaven. I think employers should invest in a good reading corner.

3. Recess: Why does recess stop after sixth grade? Don’t grown-ups know that kids of every age need to run around and scream for 15-20 minutes? Employers would get better work production if their employees were let out twice a day to run around, play dodgeball or hopscotch, shoot hoops, play marbles and four-square, jump rope, play with big parachutes or just lounge around on the grass watching the clouds.

Kindergarten Program

(We don’t play with parachutes nearly enough.)

4. Snack Time w/o Guilt: Graham crackers and milk was a highlight to my kindergarten day. I didn’t hear ONE person count the calories in the crackers or ask for lactose-free milk. Now, snack time consists of high-fiber, tasteless crap–unless you have snack time hidden in a closet. Then it’s chocolate donuts and Twizzlers!

5.Amazement: Remember learning about the solar system (even Pluto), planting seeds, caring for a class pet or watching those cool Disney nature films that Jiminy Cricket narrated? We used to be AMAZED when we learned new things. Now it’s like, “Oh, I already know everything. Therefore, nothing is amazing.” Bulls***!

(I fell in love with otters in Mrs. Lambert’s second grade class. We’ve had a secret romance for several decades.)

It’s time to stop acting grown up. I hereby declare my adulthood over and my childhood re-opened! Where are the graham crackers and jump ropes?!?!?