Things Driving Me Crazy Today

On Tuesdays, things seem to perturb me much more quickly. No reason. Just Tuesday.

Here’s my latest list of head-banging-against-the-wall-of-life situations:

  • Trying to save gas by not running the AC in the car, only to arrive at my business meeting with my silk shirt stuck to my back.

(Literally.)

  • People who call and leave loooooooong, meandering, pointless voice messages, restating their question/comment/complaint over and over and over and over and over. AAAAARRRRGGGGHHH!!!
  • Dealing with health insurance companies. (“We know you’re paying overpriced premiums, but we don’t cover that procedure.”)
  • My psychopath neighbor mowing his lawn at 6 a.m.
  • My psychopath neighbor who starts up his diesel-engine truck at 5:30 a.m. and lets it idle for 20 minutes.
  • Drivers who come to a COMPLETE STOP when making a right hand turn.
  • The idea that car headlights need big fake eyelashes. (Do you have to buy car mascara?)
  • People who talk into their iPhones like they’re eating a piece of pizza. How did this start? Who can we blame?
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Top 5 Reasons To Become A Hermit

After dealing with the public for decades, I’m putting myself in time out. Forever. My husband thinks I might have a social disorder called Absolutely Sick of Dealing With People Who Piss Me Off. (Or ASODWPWPMO for short.)

(In Time Out with Ringo until we can behave properly. Might be a while.)

Hermiting (as it’s called by cool people) brings to mind a wild man/woman living in the Appalachian mountains, drinking moonshine, skinning raccoons for clothing and stealing apple pies from kitchen windows. Where do I sign up?

I’ve made a list of pros and cons of becoming a hermit, but since I couldn’t think of any cons, I thought I’d share my pro list:

1. Never worrying about fashion trends. Is color blocking the new style? Is yellow the new black? No need to care since I’m living in a cave wearing pajama bottoms and a comfy T-shirt for the rest of my life. BONUS: There’s no need for good grooming habits. I can let my beard/moustache grow and never shave my legs again!

2. Cool living locations. I have SO many places to choose from. I could camp out in a treehouse, a forest cave, an abandoned cabin, a movie star’s guest house or the trunk of my car. Possibilities are endless.

(Pantry or hermitage? Win-win.)

3. I’d get a cool reputation for being a fruitcake. Remember those crazy ladies in your neighborhood that were witches? That could be me! If people get too close to my lair, I can pop out, waving my saggy triceps, swearing in Ukrainian and biting the heads off Snickers bars.

4. No Training Required. Most careers take years of schooling, internships or licensing. Not hermiting! Just pack your favorite pillow, a stack of books, boxes of Wheat Thins and Hershey’s, and you’re good to go.

5. Reading with no interruptions. Have you ever been within 5 pages of finishing a great book when a 1) significant other, 2) child, 3) family dog or 4) co-worker stops by to talk? Can’t they see I’ve only got 5 pages left?!?!?! If they were a caring human (or dog), they would give me 10 minutes to bask in the glow of a finished novel. But, no. Everyone stops to chat, despite the mental daggers being thrown in their direction. But, as a hermit, I will finish EVERY book with no interruptions.

One thing I don’t understand: if men decide to wander off by themselves in the woods, it’s called “hunting.” When women do it, it’s called “irrational.” Not fair.

Egg-stra Fun Easter Traditions

It’s Easter-time again. Tulips are blooming. Birds are singing. Czech men are beating their wives with pussy-willows.

Yep. That’s right. Pussy-willow whippin’ is just one of many strange Easter traditions from around the globe. The idea is, pussy-willow whips will bring health and youth to anyone who is smacked with them. Don’t knock it. I might try it if it will take a few years off.

Here are some other great traditions to incorporate into your Easter holiday:

Watching The Ten Commandments: Every year, this epic movie airs on TV during the Easter weekend. Get your fill of Egyptian plagues, perils and punishments before enjoying a nice Sunday brunch with the family.

Don’t Forget the Bilby: Australians are not fond of rabbits. In fact, you could say the Aussies LOATHE the furry little critters. So instead of chocolate bunnies on Easter, Australian young-uns find chocolate bilbies in their baskets. (There has to be a vaccine for that.) Creepy, Flying Bells: Talk about unidentified flying objects, in parts of Europe (crazy place, Europe) the story is told that church bells fly to Rome for a few days of R&R before flying back to their home turf on Easter morning. The bells soar gracefully through the sky, bringing colored eggs, chocolates and toys to tiny tots. Uh huh. How much vodka are those Europeans drinking?

The Irresistable Butter Lamb: Ever wanted to sculpt a lamb made completely of butter, then eat it during Easter dinner? Well, if you love butter, this might be a fun (if not greasy) tradition. As everyone knows, the butter lamb signifies the richness of Christ. Although it seems a little sacrilegious . . . and cannibalistic . . . to spread Christ on a biscuit.

(May contain vast amounts of heart-clogging materials. Happy Easter!)

Burning Judas: No. That’s not the name of a really cool rock group (yet). It’s a fun, family tradition in many Orthodox communities that involves burning an effigy of the traitorous Judas. Kind of like lighting a pinata on fire. (Without the candy.) Some groups even have a trial for the much-maligned apostle before condemning the figure to hanging and burning. At times, Judas has even been filled with fireworks. (Something my brother, the pyro, would do.) Nothing like that Christ-like forgiveness while celebrating the Easter holiday.

So, if you’re tired of the same boring traditions like coloring eggs, dyeing chicks, hiding candy and eating too much ham and creamy potatoes, try some of these new traditions and bring a whole new dimension (insanity) to your family’s day. But don’t forget the bunnies. Or else. . .

(Death awaits you all. With big, nasty, pointy teeth.)

Things Driving Me Crazy Today

(These damn kids with their loud music and their saggy jeans! Get off my lawn, you buggers!)

I must be getting older because my patience is wearing thin. I always thought my grandma was crotchety and impatient–and now I’ve become her. (Time to learn how to knit and yell at the neighbor kids.) But I’m sure my grandma would agree with the following things that are driving me crazy today:

  • Male politicians and religious leaders (and some FEMALE politicians) arguing about a woman’s choice for birth control, abortion, etc. At what point did women’s health issues become the government’s business? Stay out of my nether-regions, sir!

(Coming soon! A new Utah State Legislature-approved fashion line for women.)

  •  Drivers who don’t wave “thank you” after you let them pull in front of you.
  • People who are NOT me that make millions of dollars a year.
  • “Celebrity” news about a) Lindsey Lohan’s relapses, b) Angelina Jolie’s fertility status, c) anything involving a Snooki or a J-Woww, or d) Katherine Heigl’s “career.”

(“News,” by definition, is something that happens out of the ordinary. This is not “news.”)

  • People who are NOT me who are eating chocolate cake right now.
  • Beyoncé trademarking her daughter’s name: Blue Ivy Carter. Really? Is having a child a money-making scheme? (Didn’t work for me, that’s for damn sure.)
  • People who speak Starbuck-ese. Get over it! The sizes are small, medium and large. Geesh.

(Thank God there’s still some sense in the world.)

  • The Oscars! Enough all-freakin’-ready!
  • Showing up at a semi-formal event in jeans and flip-flops. Whoops. (Didn’t get the memo.)
  • Self check-out lanes at the grocery store that are 12 times slower than having an employee do the job for you.  I’m not smart enough to be a cashier–or I’d BE A CASHIER!!!
  • The Utah State Legislature. No explanation needed.

(The Utah Capitol Building. Could also be the setting for the Ringling Brothers, “Psycho” and/or “Titanic.”)

Now that I’ve vented, I’m going to take my teeth out and take a nap.

Things Driving Me Crazy in New Orleans

I’ve experienced New Orleans, N’Awlins, NOLA and/or The Big Easy since Friday. Although people are crazy everywhere, here are some crazies specific to what I’ve experienced in New Orleans:

  • Pedestrian crossings are a frightening adventure. Kind of like playing a real life version of Frogger.
  • Bourbon Street?!?! Really?!?! I’ve never seen a more obnoxious and loud street in the entire country.

(Nothing better than having an overweight girl in a skimpy bikini try to lure your husband into a strip club.)

  • The entire city smells of urine and vomit. (Usually from people stumbling off Bourbon Street.)
  • As a journalist, I can’t endorse the use of the slogan “Who Dat?” for the New Orleans Saints.

(Grammar need not apply.)

  • The term “fast food” is a completely foreign idea to “employees” at “fast food” places in NOLA. As is the term “customer service”.  (Actual conversation.) Me:  “I would like a mango/pineapple smoothie, please?” “Employee” (after turning around to talk to her friend for a while): “What did you say?” (Actually, it was “What Dat?” but I refused to answer her until she used English.”)
  •  Humidity. My hair is already thick and wavy. It doesn’t need help from YOU Mother Nature.
  • Our 1,100 room hotel has a fitness center with 1 bike, 1 treadmill and 2 elliptical machines (one of them is broken). I guess management doesn’t care if their guests have to jog outside on urine-soaked streets.  Shame on you, Sheraton.
  • Too much good food!!! With po-boys, jambalaya, creole shrimp, beignets, french bread, fried seafood platters, double chocolate bread pudding, crab cakes, southern ribs and red beans, I’ve gained roughly 20 pounds–even with the use of urine-soaked streets. Tomorrow, back to Utah where I can only get Jell-O or root beer.

Things Driving Me Crazy Today

I’ve decided it doesn’t take much to push me over the edge. Here’s what’s making me crazy today:

  • Paying high school registration fees, class fees, parking fees, yearbook fees and activity fees, and then buying pencils, folders, pens, calculators, paper, notebooks and binders. Exactly what do all those fees pay for?
  • Eating a delicious piece of pie, but not paying attention. So I missed enjoying the whole experience. (I guess I’ll have to try it again.)
  • Drivers who can’t follow parking lot arrows. And parking lots in general.

(Typical parking lot at Wal-Mart on any given day.)

  • Women with money who act entitled. (Yes, I’m talking about YOU, uppity wench, at the nail salon.)
  • People who start counting down the days to Christmas when it’s still August. Shut up, you!!
  • The fact that every east-west bound road leading from my home is under construction AGAIN!! Maybe it should have been done right the first time.

(Sad, but true.)

  • Michael Waddoups. Just for the hell of it.
  • People who are ALREADY campaigning for president. I’m so sick of politicians, I hope NOBODY wins and we fall into anarchy.

(This image goes with the previous two items.)

  • Drivers who speed up when I try to merge. Or slow down and stay completely by my side so I can’t change lanes.
  • The fact that I’m not a gazillionaire. (But then I’d probably be an uppity wench.)
  • Tomorrow’s Tuesday. I’m sure I’ll be more crazy tomorrow.

Things Driving Me Crazy Today

I consider myself a patient person–usually. But some days things happen that test my sanity level, which isn’t high to begin with.

Things driving me crazy today include:

  • My cholesterol level is the lowest it’s been in years!! However, my blood sugar level is up. I’m convinced it’s all the sappy romantic-comedies my hubbie makes me sit through. Those movies have given me pre-diabetes–and probably tooth decay.
  • Driving along when a flock of geese decided to cross the road. (There’s a joke there somewhere.) My fellow drivers and I stopped to let the geese pass–except for one a**hole driver who raced down the emergency lane–almost taking out two geese.

  • Cashiers who put ONE item in each bag. (Also, cashiers who inspect everything you buy–and comment on it.)
  • Stores and restaurants that crank up the air conditioning making it so cold my eyelashes freeze together. (I’m talking about YOU Rumbi’s and South Towne Mall.)

(I shouldn’t have to dress like this in AUGUST!!)

  • People who are irritatingly smug.
  • That stupid ad folded over my newspaper. It is a half-page of aggravation.
  • My computer that I have nicknamed “Zen” because it likes to sit in silence and do nothing.
  • Counting calories, eating healthy, working out–and not losing ONE OUNCE.
  • Shopping carts with one wonky wheel.
  • The fact that someone thought “The Smurfs” would be a great movie. Whaaaa????

That’s it for today. At least so far.