Kitchen Counterintelligence

Trump adviser and covert-appliance specialist Kellyanne Conway recently warned Americans that the CIA has discovered a way to turn microwaves into cameras with the intent to gather delicious data on the populace.

As an entity, the CIA shit a brick after learning Conway spilled the beans on the entire spying scheme. (I always thought the “A” was for Agency but we now know it’s Central Intelligence Appliances.)

Wikileaks released a billion documents detailing the extent of the scandal, rendering every kitchen in the country a base for sneaky operatives. (Luckily, the window of my microwave is so covered with exploded spaghetti sauce that a complete view of my kitchen is impossible.)

The documents show the CIA has infiltrated other kitchen appliances, starting with the fridge. I was pretty sure the fridge was the leader of the group since it continues to passive aggressively freeze all my produce in the vegetable bins.

All those smart fridges we thought could just order milk were actually documenting how often we stand with the door open waiting for delicious food to magically appear. It also judges our use of leftovers and how many opened cans of chicken broth we have at any given time.

fridge

My dishwasher is too stupid to be an effective spy. It tends to lazily spit on my dishes without actually getting anything clean. Drying is obviously too much of an effort for my dishwasher, so it doesn’t bother. If it’s working for the CIA, it should be reassigned to the scrap heap.

dishwasher

(Now with a stealthy periscope.)

You know it’s just the tip of the iceberg. There are toasters with high-tech listening capabilities, hand mixers that can tell if you’re stressed, and garbage disposals with the ability to analyze all the food you waste. In fact, while we’re laughing about this, I just noticed my blender is slowly moving closer to get a better view.

Thank goodness, Conway is on top of the situation, warning the American public that the CIA is watching us from our ovens and coffee makers. Enjoy your next family dinner.

 

 

 

 

Things Driving Me Crazy Today

Tuesdays: That one day of the week when everything seems dismal, dreary and depressing. It’s also the day I can easily think of many things driving me crazy today:

  • When I have a cartload of groceries and the cashier insists on putting each item in it’s own bag. So I leave with 50 items and 50 bags. Maybe they have a bag quota.

(Each bag contains 1 Twix bar or 1 bag o’ Cheetos or 1 box of cereal, etc. And, yes, I do recycle.)

  • Microwaves. How come, with all our technology, no one has created a microwave that can shut quietly, program without annoying beeping and have a “quiet” alarm when the food is done? Makes it very hard to sneak a burrito at 3 a.m.
  • Those “warm air” hand dryers in restrooms. I end up wiping my hands on my pants anyway.

(I wish.)

  • The HUGE man who thought it was a good idea to sit in front of my small granddaughter at the movie theater. Even with her booster chair she couldn’t see, so we ended up rearranging everyone.
  • Indoor pools that use too much chlorine. Aaarrrrgggghhh! My eyes!

(Either too much chlorine or too many Twilight trailers.)

  • Drivers who cross the solid white lines!!!! Idiots! There’s a reason you’re not supposed to change lanes in those areas. It’s a DANGER to other drivers. Namely me! Read up on the road rules.
  • Calories.