Top 5 Reasons To Become A Hermit

After dealing with the public for decades, I’m putting myself in time out. Forever. My husband thinks I might have a social disorder called Absolutely Sick of Dealing With People Who Piss Me Off. (Or ASODWPWPMO for short.)

(In Time Out with Ringo until we can behave properly. Might be a while.)

Hermiting (as it’s called by cool people) brings to mind a wild man/woman living in the Appalachian mountains, drinking moonshine, skinning raccoons for clothing and stealing apple pies from kitchen windows. Where do I sign up?

I’ve made a list of pros and cons of becoming a hermit, but since I couldn’t think of any cons, I thought I’d share my pro list:

1. Never worrying about fashion trends. Is color blocking the new style? Is yellow the new black? No need to care since I’m living in a cave wearing pajama bottoms and a comfy T-shirt for the rest of my life. BONUS: There’s no need for good grooming habits. I can let my beard/moustache grow and never shave my legs again!

2. Cool living locations. I have SO many places to choose from. I could camp out in a treehouse, a forest cave, an abandoned cabin, a movie star’s guest house or the trunk of my car. Possibilities are endless.

(Pantry or hermitage? Win-win.)

3. I’d get a cool reputation for being a fruitcake. Remember those crazy ladies in your neighborhood that were witches? That could be me! If people get too close to my lair, I can pop out, waving my saggy triceps, swearing in Ukrainian and biting the heads off Snickers bars.

4. No Training Required. Most careers take years of schooling, internships or licensing. Not hermiting! Just pack your favorite pillow, a stack of books, boxes of Wheat Thins and Hershey’s, and you’re good to go.

5. Reading with no interruptions. Have you ever been within 5 pages of finishing a great book when a 1) significant other, 2) child, 3) family dog or 4) co-worker stops by to talk? Can’t they see I’ve only got 5 pages left?!?!?! If they were a caring human (or dog), they would give me 10 minutes to bask in the glow of a finished novel. But, no. Everyone stops to chat, despite the mental daggers being thrown in their direction. But, as a hermit, I will finish EVERY book with no interruptions.

One thing I don’t understand: if men decide to wander off by themselves in the woods, it’s called “hunting.” When women do it, it’s called “irrational.” Not fair.