Top 5 Fashion Trends I’ll Never Wear

Each year I pick up magazines showing the “must have fashions”. This year’s fall season’s Games of Thrones-inspired clothing lines include flowing cloaks, fur-lined jackets and bloody swords. (Disclaimer: I was wearing a vest with a fur-lined collar and Ringo the Dog sat next to me, judging me, and saying, “Hey, Cruella. You gonna skin me, too? You gonna make some mittens out of my fur?”)

Super models walk down the runway in everything from cellophane to jellyfish tentacles, and still look flawless and beautiful. They can wear any fashion trend and not look stupid. Unlike the rest of us. Here are several fashion trends I will NOT be donning this year:

1. Uber-Layers–Start with a pair of leggings. Add a tank top, a button-down shirt, a cable-knit sweater, a cardigan, a military jacket and a scarf, and you have a chic, warm look for any occasion. Right? Wrong. If I wore that many layers, I’d have to turn sideways to walk through doorways, and I wouldn’t be able to lower my arms all day.

layers

(Stylishly on my way to work.)

2. Fall Florals–These delicately-detailed  daisies are designed to defrost the dark days of December. However, when I wear garb with garishly graphic garden geraniums, I more closely resemble a gargoylish gridlock of gloomy grandma.

3. Color Blocking–Bold colors! Geometric shapes! Waist whittling! Shape enhancing! You be the judge.

color blocking

(Left: Elegant super model in a color-blocked dress. Right: Me, in a color-blocked dress.)

4. Statement Eyes–I’ve been making statements with my eyes for years. My eyes can say, “You’re kidding, right?” or “You’d better run. Fast.” or “I’m so very tired.” or “You’d better feed me before I eat your ear lobes.” But today, “statement eyes” means bright, daring and confident. Using adventurous color schemes, glitter, jewels, false eyelashes and jeweled false eyelashes, young women are wearing eye-opening make-up to create their looks.

 eyes(It’s also handy to have an emergency eye-wash station nearby.)

 5. Capes–Thirty years ago, I would have loved to walk through town wearing a fur-lined, velvet cape. Now, I’d be suspected of witchery, and thrown into someone’s dungeon for trial. Only very self-assured young women (or Stevie Nicks) can pull off the cape trend, which hopefully ends before spring.

stevie

(On second thought, there are some people who could use a good cursing. Maybe I’ll stop in at Halloween City and pick up the latest fashion trend.)

 

Top 5 Reasons To Become A Hermit

After dealing with the public for decades, I’m putting myself in time out. Forever. My husband thinks I might have a social disorder called Absolutely Sick of Dealing With People Who Piss Me Off. (Or ASODWPWPMO for short.)

(In Time Out with Ringo until we can behave properly. Might be a while.)

Hermiting (as it’s called by cool people) brings to mind a wild man/woman living in the Appalachian mountains, drinking moonshine, skinning raccoons for clothing and stealing apple pies from kitchen windows. Where do I sign up?

I’ve made a list of pros and cons of becoming a hermit, but since I couldn’t think of any cons, I thought I’d share my pro list:

1. Never worrying about fashion trends. Is color blocking the new style? Is yellow the new black? No need to care since I’m living in a cave wearing pajama bottoms and a comfy T-shirt for the rest of my life. BONUS: There’s no need for good grooming habits. I can let my beard/moustache grow and never shave my legs again!

2. Cool living locations. I have SO many places to choose from. I could camp out in a treehouse, a forest cave, an abandoned cabin, a movie star’s guest house or the trunk of my car. Possibilities are endless.

(Pantry or hermitage? Win-win.)

3. I’d get a cool reputation for being a fruitcake. Remember those crazy ladies in your neighborhood that were witches? That could be me! If people get too close to my lair, I can pop out, waving my saggy triceps, swearing in Ukrainian and biting the heads off Snickers bars.

4. No Training Required. Most careers take years of schooling, internships or licensing. Not hermiting! Just pack your favorite pillow, a stack of books, boxes of Wheat Thins and Hershey’s, and you’re good to go.

5. Reading with no interruptions. Have you ever been within 5 pages of finishing a great book when a 1) significant other, 2) child, 3) family dog or 4) co-worker stops by to talk? Can’t they see I’ve only got 5 pages left?!?!?! If they were a caring human (or dog), they would give me 10 minutes to bask in the glow of a finished novel. But, no. Everyone stops to chat, despite the mental daggers being thrown in their direction. But, as a hermit, I will finish EVERY book with no interruptions.

One thing I don’t understand: if men decide to wander off by themselves in the woods, it’s called “hunting.” When women do it, it’s called “irrational.” Not fair.