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Top 5 Reasons to Avoid Parking Lots

When you’re 16 and handed a driver’s license, everything is fresh and lovely and exciting and free! You have no idea how much you’ll come to hate driving within a few years. No one tells you the real stress of driving doesn’t come from tailgaters, speed-demons or police lights in the rearview mirror.

Real driving stress comes in parking lots.

Here are my Top 5 Reasons to Avoid Parking Lots:

1–Big Trucks: The man driving this truck has body-image issues. The truck is a double-extended cab, making it twice as long, and the tires he stole from a nearby dump truck make it twice as tall. His side-view mirrors consist of full-size body mirrors attached to each side of the cab. To add a touch of class, he has mud flaps with the silver silhouette of an anorexic Barbie doll. There is no way you can see past this truck as you pull out of your parking space.

(So, exactly how small are your male reproductive organs?)

2–Errant shopping carts: It doesn’t matter where you park, someone will crash their shopping cart into your car door. Or. Every parking stall has a cart left directly in the center, so you can’t pull in. The cart was left there by someone too freakin’ lazy to walk it back to the cart stall.

3–Going the wrong direction: There’s a reason arrows are painted in parking lots. These directional clues tell you which way the front of your car should face when looking for a place to park. It seems some people don’t understand arrowial instructions, and just drive willy-nilly up, down, diagonal, sideways–whatever route gets them to Walmart fast.

(Hmmm. See how following the arrows lets you park easier?)

4–People waiting for you: I found a prime spot to park, and you want it. That’s fine. Just stay back far enough so I can back my damn car out! There’s always that jerk idling right behind you, with his turn signal on, backing up traffic while you unload your groceries, strap your toddler into his seat, find your car keys and load the handgun under your seat. If they tap their horn (letting you know they are waiting), I move more slowly.

5–Pedestrians: Get the hell out of the way! Why do you insist on walking down the middle of the parking lot aisle? You amble toward the store’s entrance, not realizing (or caring) an entire caravan of cars is behind you, deciding if jail time is worth running you down.

Sometimes it’s just easier to walk, bike or crawl–and it has nothing to do with saving the environment. It’s saving my sanity.

Things Driving Me Crazy Today

Ah, Tuesday. That day between Monday and Wednesday that is as obnoxious as a 2-year-old with a megaphone. Besides having to get out of bed this morning, here are several other things driving me crazy today:

Slobbering toothpaste onto my workout clothes. I’ve only been brushing my teeth for four decades. You’d think I’d figure it out.
Footnotes
The end of pomegranate season. NO!!!*
Eating TWO healthy meals in a row, and not losing any weight.
Logging off the computer, and then remembering what I was supposed to look up.
Having to flush the toilet more than once, and trying to flush it “quietly” the second time.
“Yolo!”

People with a positive outlook.
My favorite mascara being discontinued.
Disappointing novels.
That feeling you get right when you finish your fourth Twinkie and think, “I should have had an apple.”
People who want me to smile at the camera.

(I am smiling.)

Not being independently wealthy.
TV shows with “seasons” only 10 episodes long. That’s not a “season,” it’s a “mini-series.”
Forgetting to buy Girl Scout cookies.
Realizing it’s April Fool’s Day halfway through the day, and thinking of a really funny blog that will have to wait until next year.

*I will gladly fork out $15 for the last pomegranate.

Foods I’m Afraid to Eat

The American Academy of People Who Want To Scare the S*** Out Of Me (AAPWWSOM) frequently release lists of foods that will cause horrible pain and untimely death. These people need to get a different hobby because they have completely confused me when it comes to healthy eating.

Granted, I like cookies, candy, pie and other sugar-laden delicacies as much as the next person (if the next person is a sugar-addicted Orca), but I try to incorporate new-fangled ideas like “vegetables” and “fruits” into my diet when I think about it. (It’s usually on Monday after I weigh myself following a movie-theater-popcorn weekend.)

(She’s scooping out a small bucket of popcorn. The rest is mine!)

So when I try to be healthy, and the AAPWWSOM tells me eating spinach could potentially kill me, I get a little frustrated. Spinach seems to frequently contain the bacteria Escherichia coli. (You might know it by it’s rapper name–E. coli.) So, should I eat spinach?

There are other dangerously healthy foods, whose side effect seems to be DEATH; like the mushroom. One mistake and your fungus could kill you. I don’t usually forage in the mountains for salad toppings, so I hope the little baskets of mushrooms in the super market aren’t laced with poison.

Also, Mr. Peanut is out to kill us. Behind that classy monocle, a peanut-sized brain attempts to wreak havoc by spreading peanut allergies through the land. By reading labels, I’ve learned that EVERYTHING is made in a facility that comes in contact with peanuts. Mr. Peanut is sneaky.

And while I’ve never eaten star fruit, I read a report that said this fruit’s juice can poison people with bad kidneys. People with healthy kidneys are safe. But how do you know?

And if you’re a fan of Casu marzu–you know, that cheese made from sheep’s milk that ferments outside and allows a certain fly to lay eggs in the cheese. Maggots then soften the cheese but you have to EAT the maggots to prevent poisoning. So I’ve crossed that food from my list.

Even non-exotic foods like strawberries (pesticides), salmon (mercury), corn (genetic modifications), canned tomatoes (BPA) and apples (have you seen Snow White) have warning labels, explaining these foods could cause a third eye to grow out of your belly button. And death.

On further review, I might have to give up healthy food. I think a strict sugar-only diet is the way to go.

PR Things Driving Me Crazy

I tend to get lotsa, lotsa press releases sent to me, inviting me to everything from the AUTORAMA to the free pap smear clinic. (I declined both offers.) I get good media releases–and some really, really bad releases. If you send me a release, here are some good ways to make me hate you:

Press releases WRITTEN IN ALL CAPITAL LETTERS. I am lazy. If I can’t copy/paste–this gets fed to my parakeet. (Euphemism for trashed. I made it up. Do you think it will catch on?)

(Chill out, PETA. It’s a photo.)

Press releases without the time, date or location of an event. Maybe it’s a scavenger hunt and I’ll get clues in subsequent media releases. Or maybe I ignore you.
Press releases with incomplete info. Don’t make me a) find a website, b) look up contact info, c) proofread your copy. Include everything (spelled correctly) in your release. Remember? I’m lazy.
Don’t use exclamation points!! Not everyone is as excited about this blood drive as you are!!!! All !!!! will be deleted immediately!!!! And I will add one more pin to my PR voodoo doll!!!!!!!!
Don’t send me quotes with no attribution. Am I supposed to guess who made this statement? If I have to guess, it will look like this, “Our staff is super, duper excited to sponsor this pie-eating contest,” said White House Correspondent Count von Count.

(You totally just laughed like the Count.)

Don’t assume spell check caught all your errors. I’ve been notified about too many pubic hearings. That’s disturbing.
Please use apostrophe’s correctly. Its damn irritating when its done in an erroneous’ manner. You’re copy looks bad. And your getting on my nerves.
Check all URLs before sending the release. Many, many times the URL is incorrect, and then I have to look it up. Or I don’t. And . . . . ignore.
Don’t use the word “literally.” It literally makes me want to hurt you.

I understand people make mistakes. I screw up on a regular basis. But please, please consider my laziness and ineptitude when contacting me about your next colon awareness 5K.

Make Yourself at Home

I love staying in hotels, because (unless my house burned down) it usually means I’m out-of-town. And while I love staying in hotels, sometimes those hotels are . . . well . . . not exactly the best home-away-from-home. But that means I spend more time out of the hotel, enjoying new Mexican restaurants and local book stores.

Here are some things that get bad reviews on my hotel check-list:

Bathroom mirrors. When the lighting is terrible, it shows every pore, bump and flaw on my face. Plus, it highlights all the tiny hairs on my lip, cheeks, forehead and chin. Why didn’t anyone tell me I look like an Ewok?!??!

(Just putting the finishing touches on my make-up.)

Internet “speed.” I often work during my getaways, and find it SUPER-FRUSTRATING when the Internet speed is somewhere between sloth and road kill. I might as well use dial-up.
The hot tub. The temperature has been cranked up to Boiling Lava levels and melts the first three layers of skin. Plus, the hot tub is full of kids who think splashing around is a good idea.
Meeting rooms. These burlaped walls hold all the despair from former meetings, and are usually either freezing or thermonuclear.

(Snore)

The blow dryer. If I forget my blow dryer, I’m screwed. My hair is thick, and it takes three days to dry using that little wall plug-in blow dryer. It’s faster to shake my head like a puppy.
Do Not Disturb. I’m glad maids still knock, even when there’s a No Molestar sign on my door. But that Do Not Disturb instruction does not mean NEVER disturb. I hate returning to my room, after spending the morning listening to people drone on and on and on, only to find the maid service has quit for the day.

(Want.)

The exercise room. I’ve mentioned this 80s’-inspired torture chamber before, but it bears repeating. If you can’t keep your treadmills or ellipticals maintained–don’t say you have an “exercise room”! The last machine I used in a hotel kept shutting down every five minutes.
The HVAC. You wake up at 2 a.m. and realize you’ve melted to your pillow. The temperature in the room is right below center-of-the-earth hot. Or. You wake up at 2 a.m. because your teeth are chattering, and the snot from your runny nose has frozen to the pillow.
The fridge. It’s always cool (so to speak) to have a fridge in a hotel room. Except. It’s temperature keeps things like milk, soda or juice slightly above the going-spoiled level. Just leave the liquids on your nightstand. It’s probably colder there.

Gym Rat Definitions

Now that February is winding down, people will stop going to the gym. That’s good. Because for the last two months, the workout place near my home has been PACKED. Every year it’s the same. Resolutioners hit the treadmills and ellipticals for eight weeks–then quit.

During the last few weeks, I’ve noticed distinct personality trends in gym goers. I’ve narrowed them down into the following categories:

The Grunter: Just like it sounds. I’m never quite sure if they need medical attention. I just avoid eye contact.

The Soon-To-Be-Injured: Typically male, this group flings heavy weights around like paper airplanes. It doesn’t matter if their bad exercise form will cause severe injuries (for themselves or others), the fact they lift 80 pounds for bicep curls makes them happy. I guess. They never smile.

(Does he look happy to you?)

The Anti-Social: These people are there to WORK OUT. They plug-in their iPods, tune out the world, do their workout and leave. They don’t chit-chat, they don’t waste time. (This is my species.) (I apologize.)

The Super-Social: Usually women, this group tends to flock around exercise equipment to discuss kids, spouses, dinner, shopping, the latest craft trend, decorating, laundry, jobs and troubled celebrities. They can also read, watch TV and crochet while exercising. I’m not that coordinated.

The January Bunch: This assortment of people always seem a little lost, wandering from machine to machine, trying to figure out each machine’s appropriate use. They usually land on a treadmill for the entire month. Then they disappear for a year. I’d offer to help, but that would involve me talking to people.

The Hotties: Men and women who KNOW they look good, and strut around the weight room, making sure everyone gets a good look. I’ve never actually seen them pick up any weights. I guess all that walking and flexing is workout enough. They tend to flock together, like beautiful muscular swans.

What species do you encounter?

Top 5 Things Driving Me Crazy At The Ballet

When I was five, I decided to be a ballerina. However, Ballet West wasn’t hiring kindergarteners, so I had to put my dream on hold for a while. But I danced. I danced for eight more years before realizing most ballerinas weren’t 5’9″ with size 10 feet. It was a horrible moment when I understood I would never dance the pas de deux (French for “graceful stumbling”) from Swan Lake.

(My bible for 13 years.)

So I stopped dancing, but continued to love ballet. My husband would rather undergo a bone marrow transplant than watch a ballet, so I’ve endured a ballet drought for years. But now I have granddaughters. I took my 10-year-old granddaughter to her first ballet in the newly renovated Capitol Theatre to watch Ballet West’s The Sleeping Beauty.

(Only in ballet is floating around in a big leaf acceptable.)

It was beautiful. The costumes were gorgeous, and everything was wonderful–except:

1. The man behind me who kept reading his program using his cell phone as a flashlight. I turned around to give him my Angry Mom glare. He was oblivious.

2. The woman who brought her TWO-YEAR-OLD to a TWO HOUR ballet. What the hell were you thinking? And when the child started shrieking during the last act, the mother WOULD NOT TAKE HIM OUT OF THE THEATER. “Hello, ma’am. Do you mind if I taze your screaming child?”

3. Unless you’re willing to fork out big bucks, your seats will be crap. I spent $100 for two tickets. Our seats were placed directly behind the big heads of the people in front of us. I could see half of the stage fine, but my granddaughter had a very obstructed view.

(Picture this with a great big head covering the dancer.)

4. The Final Act went on forever and ever. It didn’t help that a toddler was screeching like a cat in heat, but on top of that, it seemed EVERY dancer in the ballet had to perform a solo/duet. We get it. It’s a wedding. People are celebrating. Move on. Sheesh.

5. Parking. Like everything in Salt Lake City, parking is unusually difficult. Luckily, I found a spot where we only had to walk five blocks, go up seven flights of stairs and run across several busy streets. Plus, Capitol Theatre doesn’t validate. Boo.

But I’m all in for the next ballet!

Things Driving Me Crazy With This Cold

Since Jan. 1, I’ve had colds, laryngitis, a sore throat, a short-lived case of the flu and a sinus infection. I’m tired of whining, and everyone in my family is sick of hearing me whine. Besides, everyone in Utah has a cold because It’s WINTER. Plus the smoggy inversion allows particles of radioactive pollution to filter down to the lower lobes of the lungs, causing all kinds of respiratory problems. I might as well take up smoking.

January was a blur of cold medicine, Kleenex, phlegm and doctor visits. Here is what drives me crazy about being sick:

Blowing my nose. I have tissues all over my home like I’m offering a soft-paper sacrifice to the cold/flu gods.
My face is so swollen from my sinus infection, I look like a jack-0′-lantern with hair.

(You thought this was a pumpkin. Nope, it’s me watching Brooklyn Nine-Nine.)

Give me either a runny nose or congested sinus cavities–NOT BOTH!
Hearing myself whine. I sound like a nasally, moaning middle-aged woman who sucks helium in her spare time.
The crunchy eye boogers that stick to my eyelashes when I’m sleeping.
Congestion has me talking like a cartoon character.

droopy (“Coldth make me tho mad.”

Nothing tastes good. So I eat more, trying to remember how good it feels to taste chocolate.
Trying all the crazy cold remedies–that don’t work. Umckaloabo Root Extract? Hot Black Currant Juice? Slices of onions in my socks? Nope. But my feet smell like onion rings. That I can’t taste.

Now that it’s February, I’m hoping Mr. Cold/Flu/Pink-Eye leaves us alone. We’ve done our time.

Top 5 Steps to Organizing Your Home

When I’m snowbound (think “The Shining”), I like to clear out my cluttered spaces; because clutter=claustrophobia=really grumpy Peri.

(If he would have de-cluttered instead of going all murder-rage, he would have enjoyed winter a little more.)

January is a great time to clean out the house. You’ve got cool new Christmas presents to find places for, it’s too cold do anything but complain, and there’s no real holiday until Valentine’s Day. Here’s my organizational plan:

#1–Tackle the pantry: Time to throw out all the healthy food you bought LAST January when you started your “healthy eating” phase that lasted 17 days. Toss the expired quinoa, the moldy wheat germ, the chia seeds that have grown tentacles and the Jillian Michaels protein powder you tried once–and then fed to the dog (who also didn’t eat it).

#2–Firebomb the bedroom closets: That skirt that will fit when you lose 15 more pounds? Yeah. Ain’t gonna happen. Ruthlessly purge the too-tight pre-pregnancy jeans, the sweatshirt you spilled ketchup on during your first date in high school, the yellow silk blouse with 3-inch purple polka dots you wore to your mom’s third wedding and the handkerchief top you purchased during your Bohemian phase. Throw everything out and start over.

(“But I wear ALL of these clothes! Every day!”)

#3–Pack up the garage: Are you really going to use that Health Rider? Does your husband really need two golf bags (don’t ask him)? Get rid of the deflated basketballs, broken croquet mallets, unstrung tennis rackets and the rusty bikes you SWEAR you’re going to refurbish and ride this year.

#4–Attack the kids’ bedrooms: If you didn’t do this before Christmas, now’s the time. Once kids are back in school, show no mercy on their broken and/or discarded toys. It might be easiest to throw a grenade under the bed, but if you want to be a little more subtle, toss every headless Barbie, unstuffed animal, broken crayon and all those stupid, stupid Happy Meals toys. Kids don’t notice. If they do, tell them you were robbed.

#5–Venture into your husband’s space: It might be a den, a man cave, an office or just a room under the stairs a la Harry Potter but chances are it’s packed with Pringle’s cans, dust-covered trophies from his 5th grade bowling team, piles of “important documents,” and ticket stubs from every Major League Baseball game he’s ever attended. A little gasoline and a tiny match should do the trick.

Now you can buy all NEW stuff to fill those empty spaces. Hello, pencil skirts!

What Should I Blog About Today?

Maybe your New Year’s resolution was to start a blog. That’s pretty easy. The hard part comes when you have to think up a topic on a regular basis. I post on Tuesdays (usually), so Monday night I’m cramming to write something witty, brilliant, unforgettable, quote-worthy or hysterical. But I give up pretty quick, and end up vomit-typing a blog at the last minute.

So where do you turn when you’ve run out of blog ideas? Here are some money-back-guaranteed ways to fill your blog with brilliance:

Write What You Love: If you love reading, chocolate, exercising (liar), or beauty–don’t write about that, because there are already BILLIONS of writers filling the blogosphere about that. What else do you love? Eating all the marshmallows out of the Lucky Charms cereal, leaving only the frosted “oat” shapes for the rest of family? Hiding your spouse’s keys and watching him scramble to find them when he’s late for a meeting? (Hilarious. I suggest doing it at least once a week.) If you love torturing small creatures, don’t write about that. Get help.

Steal Ideas: Read what other people write, and then write something similar–with your own special twist. Example: If you Google “How to Roast a Chicken” you’ll find several blogs written by chicken-roasting experts. Add a twist to that and write “How to Roast A Chicken that Your Child Raised for 4H.”

Write About Your Strengths: No one wants to read about how freaking perfect you are. When I say “strengths” I mean things like, How I Found the Strength To Not Strangle My Husband After He Watched Golf All Weekend. Or How I Found the Strength to Act Like I Was Listening to My 4-Year-Old. (These are actually great topics. Don’t steal those. I might use them later.)

(Have a lucky talisman nearby. Some people have a rabbit’s foot. I hold a grandson.)

Write About Your Mistakes/Failures: Did you make oatmeal cookies using salt instead of sugar? And then did you take them to your 7th grade party? And then did your friends take a bite and throw them over the fence to the neighbor’s dog? And were you afraid to admit you made the cookies, because then your friends would think you were stupid? And did you vow to never a) make cookies, b) have friends, c) return to school? Yeah, write about that.

Make Lists: Lists are a super-easy, no-talent-required way to write a blog. (Maybe you’ve noticed most of my blogs include a list.) With lists, you can:

Give several examples
Take up space
Refer back to #1
Refer to previous blogs
Make a list of your favorite things (See first example)

Now your creative juices should be flowing. At least I hope that’s creative juice.

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