Foods I’m Afraid to Eat

The American Academy of People Who Want To Scare the S*** Out Of Me (AAPWWSOM) frequently release lists of foods that will cause horrible pain and untimely death. These people need to get a different hobby because they have completely confused me when it comes to healthy eating.

Granted, I like cookies, candy, pie and other sugar-laden delicacies as much as the next person (if the next person is a sugar-addicted Orca), but I try to incorporate new-fangled ideas like “vegetables” and “fruits” into my diet when I think about it. (It’s usually on Monday after I weigh myself following a movie-theater-popcorn weekend.)


(She’s scooping out a small bucket of popcorn. The rest is mine!)

So when I try to be healthy, and the AAPWWSOM tells me eating spinach could potentially kill me, I get a little frustrated. Spinach seems to frequently contain the bacteria Escherichia coli. (You might know it by it’s rapper name–E. coli.) So, should I eat spinach?

There are other dangerously healthy foods, whose side effect seems to be DEATH; like the mushroom. One mistake and your fungus could kill you. I don’t usually forage in the mountains for salad toppings, so I hope the little baskets of mushrooms in the super market aren’t laced with poison.

Also, Mr. Peanut is out to kill us. Behind that classy monocle, a peanut-sized brain attempts to wreak havoc by spreading peanut allergies through the land. By reading labels, I’ve learned that EVERYTHING is made in a facility that comes in contact with peanuts. Mr. Peanut is sneaky.


And while I’ve never eaten star fruit, I read a report that said this fruit’s juice can poison people with bad kidneys. People with healthy kidneys are safe. But how do you know?

And if you’re a fan of Casu marzu–you know, that cheese made from sheep’s milk that ferments outside and allows a certain fly to lay eggs in the cheese. Maggots then soften the cheese but you have to EAT the maggots to prevent poisoning. So I’ve crossed that food from my list.

Even non-exotic foods like strawberries (pesticides), salmon (mercury), corn (genetic modifications), canned tomatoes (BPA) and apples (have you seen Snow White) have warning labels, explaining these foods could cause a third eye to grow out of your belly button. And death.

On further review, I might have to give up healthy food. I think a strict sugar-only diet is the way to go.


Top 5 Reasons the World Didn’t End

Apocalypse Later

You might have heard the world was supposed to end a few days ago. I think news of our demise was premature. But Harold Camping, the 89-year-old Christian leader who predicted world’s end, is nowhere to be found. Was he taken to heaven in the Rapture? Is he hiding out at Baskin-Robbins, eating Death by Chocolate ice cream? Or is he busy re-calucating the end-date one more time?

I think there are probably a lot of reasons why the earth wasn’t destroyed on May 21. Here are the top five reasons I think we’re still here:

#1: We gained an extra life by killing Osama bin Laden.

#2: Superman found the gigantic Acme Rapture-o-Matic machine and unplugged it. Thanks, Superman.

#3: Because we’re all so self-absorbed, the world DID end and nobody noticed.

#4: Hello! It’s supposed to end on December 21, 2012. Just ask the thriving Mayan society.

#5: God is so sick of dealing with us that he’s in a galaxy far-far away enjoying a margarita by a cosmic pool. He figures we’ll destroy ourselves soon enough.

Whatever the reason, I’m glad to be here.