What Should I Blog About Today?

Maybe your New Year’s resolution was to start a blog. That’s pretty easy. The hard part comes when you have to think up a topic on a regular basis. I post on Tuesdays (usually), so Monday night I’m cramming to write something witty, brilliant, unforgettable, quote-worthy or hysterical. But I give up pretty quick, and end up vomit-typing a blog at the last minute.

thinker

So where do you turn when you’ve run out of blog ideas? Here are some money-back-guaranteed ways to fill your blog with brilliance:

Write What You Love: If you love reading, chocolate, exercising (liar), or beauty–don’t write about that, because there are already BILLIONS of writers filling the blogosphere about that. What else do you love? Eating all the marshmallows out of the Lucky Charms cereal, leaving only the frosted “oat” shapes for the rest of family? Hiding your spouse’s keys and watching him scramble to find them when he’s late for a meeting? (Hilarious. I suggest doing it at least once a week.) If you love torturing small creatures, don’t write about that. Get help.

Steal Ideas: Read what other people write, and then write something similar–with your own special twist. Example: If you Google “How to Roast a Chicken” you’ll find several blogs written by chicken-roasting experts. Add a twist to that and write “How to Roast A Chicken that Your Child Raised for 4H.”

Write About Your Strengths: No one wants to read about how freaking perfect you are. When I say “strengths” I mean things like, How I Found the Strength To Not Strangle My Husband After He Watched Golf All Weekend. Or How I Found the Strength to Act Like I Was Listening to My 4-Year-Old. (These are actually great topics. Don’t steal those. I might use them later.)

Working with Grandma-2 (2)

(Have a lucky talisman nearby. Some people have a rabbit’s foot. I hold a grandson.)

Write About Your Mistakes/Failures: Did you make oatmeal cookies using salt instead of sugar? And then did you take them to your 7th grade party? And then did your friends take a bite and throw them over the fence to the neighbor’s dog? And were you afraid to admit you made the cookies, because then your friends would think you were stupid? And did you vow to never a) make cookies, b) have friends, c) return to school? Yeah, write about that.

Make Lists: Lists are a super-easy, no-talent-required way to write a blog. (Maybe you’ve noticed most of my blogs include a list.) With lists, you can:

  • Give several examples
  • Take up space
  • Refer back to #1
  • Refer to previous blogs
  • Make a list of your favorite things (See first example)

Now your creative juices should be flowing. At least I hope that’s creative juice.

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Required List of New Year’s Resolutions 2013

quitter

I’m not a quitter. So I’m not going to stop eating See’s chocolates for breakfast or reduce the amount of television I watch in 2013. I think instead of quitting things, like swearing and robbing banks, New Year’s resolutions should be about finding new ways to waste time, talent and money–just like the Kardashians!

So, in 2013, I hereby resolve to:

  • Enroll in air guitar classes.
  • Figure out what this “video game” fad is all about.
  • Become a professional organ grinder. (Anyone know where I can buy a cute monkey?)

organ grinder

(Bringing back old-school entertainment. Very old school.)

  • Learn how to wrangle carts.
  • Perfect my mime skills. (I’ve learned not to have a real heart attack whilst miming.)
  • Finalize the plans on my time machine.
  • Get addicted to Here Comes Honey Boo Boo episodes.

honey boo

(Because what can’t go wrong here?)

  • Enter the wild world of snake milkers.
  • Learn to like kale.
  • Create a new celebratory gesture. We already have the high-five and the fist bump–how about the ear slap or the knee tap?
  • Start a movement to bring back Chisenbop.
  • Buy Hostess and bring back Donettes and Ding Dongs.
  • Finally read the rules to Monopoly. (I hate that game.)
  • Pick up some new urban slang so I can talk to my grandkids.
  • Solve a Rubik’s cube without using a hammer.

rubik

(I really hate this little freakin’ cube of frustration and anger.)

Happy New Year!

Required List of New Year’s Resolutions 2012

Besides taking up smoking, drinking margaritas, spending food money on shoes and increasing the sugar in my diet, I’ve been trying to think up ways to improve my already incredible life.

(Should be a glamorous 2012.)

Just like in November, when bloggers are required to compose a gratitude list, in January, we are required to make public our New Year’s resolutions. I don’t know why. It’s in the fine print.

So, in 2012, I resolve to:

  • Finish memorizing “Zoolander.”

(“Have you ever wondered if there was more to life, other than being really, really, ridiculously good-looking?”)

  • Become one of the infamous (and uber-wealthy) 1 percent.
  • Stop whining about the weather. (Unless it’s cold, windy and/or snowy.)
  • Find a Greek yogurt I can eat without gagging.

(Oh, yeah. Greek yogurt is delicious.)

  • Convert to Taoism and then drive my friends crazy while I try to convert them, too.
  • Create a low-calorie food that tastes exactly like a Snickers bar.

(A meal-in-a-bar.)

    • Open that erotic bakery I’ve always wanted.
    • Quote from Sarah Palin’s “Going Rogue” more often.
    • Learn Spanish–not so I can talk with my neighbors, but so I’ll know what they’re saying about me.
    • Manage stress by punching people at the mall.
    • See less of friends and family. It makes Christmas cheaper.
    • Bring back the “children should be seen and not heard” tradition.