Things I’m Giving Up For Lent

February 18 was Ash Wednesday and the beginning of Lent. Because I live in a state overrun with Mormons who don’t observe this tradition, most people here just know Lent involves a dirty smudge on the forehead and a big party on Fat Tuesday.

Typically, Lent requires faithful Christians of the Lutheran, Methodist or Catholic persuasion to give up something they love for 40 days until the Easter observation. While some people give up being religious for 40 days, others take it quite seriously and abstain from fattening foods (!), sugar (!!), sex (!!!) and watching funny animal videos on YouTube (!!!!).

Here’s what I’m giving up for Lent:

  • My New Year’s resolutions
  • Watching Better Call Saul (Just kidding. Not giving that up.)
  • Trying to fold a fitted sheet

fitted sheet

  • Attempting to read Moby Dick/War and Peace/Heart of Darkness or anything by an overly revered author who probably didn’t understand what he wrote, either.
  • Beating myself up for not being perfect
  • The idea of wealth
  • Hostess pies (specifically apple, cherry, blackberry and lemon)

hostess(With “real” fruit filling.)

  • Trying not to swear. (I’ve decided to embrace my piratey language and adopt a parrot to sit on my shoulder and imitate my salty vocabulary.)
  • Diet Coke (which I never drink anyway)
  • Patience with road-raged drivers
  • Regular Coke (which is my reward for being alive every day)
  • Trying to understand anything happening in Washington, D.C.
  • Creamed spinach

spinach

(Yep, no problem giving this s*** up.)

  • Listening
  • Becoming a vegetarian
  • Working hard
  • Doing dishes

Just think what an amazing person I will be in 40 days!

Foods I’m Afraid to Eat

The American Academy of People Who Want To Scare the S*** Out Of Me (AAPWWSOM) frequently release lists of foods that will cause horrible pain and untimely death. These people need to get a different hobby because they have completely confused me when it comes to healthy eating.

Granted, I like cookies, candy, pie and other sugar-laden delicacies as much as the next person (if the next person is a sugar-addicted Orca), but I try to incorporate new-fangled ideas like “vegetables” and “fruits” into my diet when I think about it. (It’s usually on Monday after I weigh myself following a movie-theater-popcorn weekend.)

popcorn

(She’s scooping out a small bucket of popcorn. The rest is mine!)

So when I try to be healthy, and the AAPWWSOM tells me eating spinach could potentially kill me, I get a little frustrated. Spinach seems to frequently contain the bacteria Escherichia coli. (You might know it by it’s rapper name–E. coli.) So, should I eat spinach?

There are other dangerously healthy foods, whose side effect seems to be DEATH; like the mushroom. One mistake and your fungus could kill you. I don’t usually forage in the mountains for salad toppings, so I hope the little baskets of mushrooms in the super market aren’t laced with poison.

Also, Mr. Peanut is out to kill us. Behind that classy monocle, a peanut-sized brain attempts to wreak havoc by spreading peanut allergies through the land. By reading labels, I’ve learned that EVERYTHING is made in a facility that comes in contact with peanuts. Mr. Peanut is sneaky.

peanut

And while I’ve never eaten star fruit, I read a report that said this fruit’s juice can poison people with bad kidneys. People with healthy kidneys are safe. But how do you know?

And if you’re a fan of Casu marzu–you know, that cheese made from sheep’s milk that ferments outside and allows a certain fly to lay eggs in the cheese. Maggots then soften the cheese but you have to EAT the maggots to prevent poisoning. So I’ve crossed that food from my list.

Even non-exotic foods like strawberries (pesticides), salmon (mercury), corn (genetic modifications), canned tomatoes (BPA) and apples (have you seen Snow White) have warning labels, explaining these foods could cause a third eye to grow out of your belly button. And death.

On further review, I might have to give up healthy food. I think a strict sugar-only diet is the way to go.