Since Jan. 1, I’ve had colds, laryngitis, a sore throat, a short-lived case of the flu and a sinus infection. I’m tired of whining, and everyone in my family is sick of hearing me whine. Besides, everyone in Utah has a cold because It’s WINTER. Plus the smoggy inversion allows particles of radioactive pollution to filter down to the lower lobes of the lungs, causing all kinds of respiratory problems. I might as well take up smoking.

January was a blur of cold medicine, Kleenex, phlegm and doctor visits. Here is what drives me crazy about being sick:

• Blowing my nose. I have tissues all over my home like I’m offering a soft-paper sacrifice to the cold/flu gods.
• My face is so swollen from my sinus infection, I look like a jack-0′-lantern with hair.

(You thought this was a pumpkin. Nope, it’s me watching Brooklyn Nine-Nine.)

• Give me either a runny nose or congested sinus cavities–NOT BOTH!
• Hearing myself whine. I sound like a nasally, moaning middle-aged woman who sucks helium in her spare time.
• The crunchy eye boogers that stick to my eyelashes when I’m sleeping.
• Congestion has me talking like a cartoon character.

(“Coldth make me tho mad.”

• Nothing tastes good. So I eat more, trying to remember how good it feels to taste chocolate.
• Trying all the crazy cold remedies–that don’t work. Umckaloabo Root Extract? Hot Black Currant Juice? Slices of onions in my socks? Nope. But my feet smell like onion rings. That I can’t taste.

Now that it’s February, I’m hoping Mr. Cold/Flu/Pink-Eye leaves us alone. We’ve done our time.