When I was in kindergarten, I only wore dresses because I was a princess, dammit! My mom whipped up dresses on her Singer sewing machine and I’d fluff around class, mocking the girls who were low enough to wear (gasp) pants. (I was a precocious little snot.) But a field trip to the zoo changedContinue reading “Getting in My Pants”
Tag Archives: Life
An Open Letter to Santa 2015
Dear St. Nick, I know you’re busy with all your dashing and dancing and prancing and vixing, and I know you have mall appearances, party stops, photo ops, elf control, reindeer upkeep and sleigh polishing, not to mention Mrs. Claus’ to-do-list. So I thought I’d help you out by putting together a Naughty/Nice list thatContinue reading “An Open Letter to Santa 2015”
A Brief History of Children
When silly, old Eve chose wisdom over nudity in the garden of Eden, what was her punishment? That she would be fruitful and multiply. In non-biblical words, she was doomed to have children. Seems like the penalty didn’t really fit the crime. Did she understand, as she grew rounder and larger and moodier, that a parasitic growth wasContinue reading “A Brief History of Children”
Just Smile: An R-Rated Rant
Men. Reading this blog could save you from being murdered to death by your spouse, sister, mother or female co-worker. If at any point in your life you walked by a woman, noticed her expression and told her to smile, you are in extreme danger. I’m not shitting you. Your coffee is probably being poisonedContinue reading “Just Smile: An R-Rated Rant”
Halloween for Dummies: Top 5 Tips For a Successful Holiday
Some people live in countries (or states) where Halloween is ignored because people believe it’s based on Satanic rituals and pagan beliefs. They might have a small Jesus-themed trunk-or-treat event in a church parking lot, handing out mini New Testaments, before heading home for a family sing-a-long. But in Utah (home of pagan beliefs) we celebrate HalloweenContinue reading “Halloween for Dummies: Top 5 Tips For a Successful Holiday”
Things Driving Me Crazy Today
I realized it’s been a while since I’ve posted a Things Driving Me Crazy Today blog. Does that mean I’m more tolerant of the insane behavior around me? Nope. It just means I’ve been living in frustrated anguish, but once I vomit-blog my list I’ll feel much better. Here are the Things Driving Me CrazyContinue reading “Things Driving Me Crazy Today”
Another World’s End False Alarm
If you’re reading this, the world didn’t end yesterday. Or maybe it did end and your hell is being forced to read my blog for eternity. Anyway. Once again, we’ve survived a predicted apocalypse and I’m getting pretty tired of preparing for the end of the world only to wake up and find that I have toContinue reading “Another World’s End False Alarm”
What’s In My Bag?
Why is it suddenly cool to stick our noses into a celebrity’s carry-all? Fashion magazines devote pages to discovering the secrets in a movie star’s purse. Do you really want to know that Meredith Vieira hauls around dog treats and a machete in her $800 bag? Or do you care that Lady Gaga carries pints ofContinue reading “What’s In My Bag?”
Questions I’m Often Asked
Now that I’m a super-famous blogger, I’m always getting stopped in the street and asked questions. Usually those questions are along the lines of, “Can you get out of my way, ma’am?” or “What the hell are you doing?” but once in a while, someone surprises me with a true inquiry. Because I don’t knowContinue reading “Questions I’m Often Asked”
Things I Don’t Clean (Don’t Judge Me, You Judging Judgers)
In a previous life, I must have been an overworked, underpaid maid, because in my current life, I have no desire to clean anything. To avoid health department citations (and rats) I do the bare minimum required to keep cholera and typhus out of my home, but that’s the extent of my housekeeping. Unfortunately, I’ve learned there are LOTS ofContinue reading “Things I Don’t Clean (Don’t Judge Me, You Judging Judgers)”
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