Questions I’m Often Asked

Now that I’m a super-famous blogger, I’m always getting stopped in the street and asked questions. Usually those questions are along the lines of, “Can you get out of my way, ma’am?” or “What the hell are you doing?” but once in a while, someone surprises me with a true inquiry.

Because I don’t know how to talk to strangers, I usually stare at them for 20 seconds, then turn and run the other way. But once I get home, I realize what I SHOULD have said. So here are the answers to all those unanswered (or unasked) questions:

Q: How do you write funny?

A: I have a clown costume that I only wear when I’m writing my column or blog. Plus, Mad Libs.

Q: Why did you become a writer?

A: Because my dancing career never took off.

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(I still know the Bat Dance if you’d like to see it performed.)

Q: What is your biggest regret?

A: The 1980s.

Q: How do you get your ideas?

A: I turn my constant rage into manageable humor.

Q. Why is writing so hard?

A. I’ve already answered that question: Top 5 Reasons Writing Sucks

Q: Do you ever find swearing tiresome?

A: Hmmm. &*#@ no.

Q: Have you ever been arrested?

A: Define “arrested”.

Q. Do you have a favorite book?

A. My favorite book changes based on the day, time, season, what I’m wearing, if I’m in a good mood and if I’m hungry.

Q. How can I get past writer’s block.

A. I’ve answered that question, too: Top 5 Ways to Get Over Writer’s Block

Q. Who will win the next presidential election in the U.S.?

A. Not the American people.

Q. How can I become a writer?

A. Write.

Sorry, but that’s all the time I have for questions. If you want more answers, I suggest you buy a Magic 8 Ball.

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