Things I Don’t Clean (Don’t Judge Me, You Judging Judgers)

In a previous life, I must have been an overworked, underpaid  maid, because in my current life, I have no desire to clean anything.

To avoid health department citations (and rats) I do the bare minimum required to keep cholera and typhus out of my home, but that’s the extent of my housekeeping. Unfortunately, I’ve learned there are LOTS of things I SHOULD be cleaning. How did I learn this? The goddess of garbage, Martha Stewart, shamed me into facing the dirty truth: I’m a surface cleaner.


I don’t dig deep into the crevices to wipe out families of germs who have settled in my tile grout, raising generations of bacterial descendants. I don’t hunt for pathogens under my fridge where complete ecosystems have formed (and died) during my time in this home.

Here’s what Ms. Martha suggests I clean on a weekly/monthly basis. Is she mad?

I should:

  1. Dust light fixtures.
  2. Clean the kitchen drain.
  3. Scrub the ventilation hood over my stove.
  4. Fluff and rotate sofa cushions.
  5. Wash the inside of garbage cans.
  6. Vacuum the fireplace screen.
  7. Clean floorboards.
  8. Buff stone and/or wood floors.
  9. Dust windowsills.
  10. Clean blinds.

Here’s my problem with this list:

  1. Dusty light fixtures create what I like to call “mood lighting.”
  2. Kitchen drains are disgusting and I am not going to go anywhere near those nasty things.
  3. The ventilation hood is so sticky with grime it would take a small nuclear device to loosen years of steamed foods.
  4. The dog ate one side of our sofa cushion, so I can’t rotate them. Fluffing only sends dust and dog hair everywhere.
  5. Garbage cans are supposed to be dirty. That’s why we put garbage in them–not diamond necklaces (which, according to Ms. M, should also be cleaned to keep them sparkly).
  6. I don’t have a fireplace.
  7. If I clean the floorboards, I can’t track where the mice run off to.
  8. Hahahahaha!
  9. There’s too many dead flies. Ewww.
  10. Wait. What?


So instead of turning over a new leaf like Martha does each fall, I’ll save myself a lot of anxiety and just learn to live with dust bunnies, mites, germs, bacteria, viruses and dead insects.  After all this time, it’s almost like they’re family.

A Martha Stewart Christmas

Martha Stewart and I could be twins. She’d be the perfect, talented twin, and I’d be the evil, slightly disturbed counterpart who tried to eat her in the womb. We just have SO much in common.

I picked up the latest Martha Stewart Living magazine at the library (I’m not paying for that) and found her holiday calendar in the front of the publication. I was amazed at how similar our Decembers were with all the parties and decorating and such. Here’s a few examples of our activities that are eerily identical:

Dec. 4: Martha flew to Canada to speak at the Fort McMurray Public Library.

Dec. 4: I picked up this magazine at the Kearns Public Library,



Dec. 10: Martha will stake the tomatoes in her vegetable greenhouse. (That’s darling.)

Dec. 10: I will clean the black, mushy tomatoes out of my vegetable bin.

(See what I mean. Twins.)

Dec. 17: Martha checks her back-up generators to ensure she’ll have electricity in the event of a winter storm and power outage.

Dec. 17: After the power goes out from the latest storm, I will gather all the birthday candles I can find and try to strike a match on the kitchen counter because I’ve lost the striking surface from the box.

Dec. 22: Jude and Truman stop by to make holiday cookies with Martha

Dec. 22: I contact E-Z Restore to fix the damage done to my home during my Christmas Cookie event with the grandkids.

Dec. 24: Today, Martha finishes decorating and cooking for her Christmas brunch. Her menu includes–Oysters with mignonette (?), Buckwheat crepes with mushroom filling (o. . k . . ), Creamed spinach with poached eggs (really??) and ham with lingonberry jam. (I need Rolaids just reading this menu.)

Dec. 24: I frantically shop for last minute gifts. At Walgreens.

walgreens(Selling tape and cheap toys 24 hours a day.)

Dec. 25: “Christmas brunch with family and friends–and caroling, of course.”

Dec. 25: Collapse in a holiday heap under the tree with a bottle of Patron.

Dec. 27: Martha remembers the birds this season, and makes birdseed pinecones with Jade and Truman. (Who the hell are Jade and Truman?)

Dec. 27: Christmas is over, people!!! I’m not doing anything else. Feed your own damn selves, birds.

birds(I don’t think they like your pinecones, Martha.)

Dec. 31: Martha finds room for improvement as she makes her list of 2014 resolutions!

Dec. 31: Screw it all. I’ll be in bed by 10.