Another World’s End False Alarm

If you’re reading this, the world didn’t end yesterday. Or maybe it did end and your hell is being forced to read my blog for eternity.

Anyway. Once again, we’ve survived a predicted apocalypse and I’m getting pretty tired of preparing for the end of the world only to wake up and find that I have to go to work. I thought world-ending collapse would at least get me a couple days off.

boo

During the few years that I’ve written this blog, we (as humanity) have survived several earth-ending scenarios. I already wrote about a couple of those events in Top 5 Reasons the World Didn’t End and Why the World Won’t End This Year, so I’ve had to stretch my mind to find another disaster-specific blog topic about the End of Times. I discovered Preppers.

Preppers are not (as I mistakenly assumed) upscale students, prone to wearing branded clothing to impress their underlings. Preppers are dedicated to surviving disasters through vast and over-the-top preparations for every possible apocalyptic scenario.

Their website boasts topics like (and I’m not making this up):

  • Misconceptions About Prepping for a Nuclear Attack (Misconception #1: You can survive a nuclear attack.)
  • Preparing for the Coming Clash of Civilizations (I’m not sure which civilization we’ll be clashing with. Aliens? Dinosaurs?)
  • Here’s How You’ll Die When the Shit Hits the Fan (Great title for a kids book, just in time for Christmas.)
  • Ten Ways to Fool the Authorities (That sounds like a great idea.)
  • Nine Tips for Preppers With Non-Prepper Spouses (That’s a sure-fire way to spend the apocalypse sleeping on the couch.)
  • Survival Bread recipe (It doubles as a truncheon.)
  • Cooking Without Electricity (I do that all the time. I call it ordering pizza.)

cooking

  • 18 Off-grid Uses for Tin Cans (One of these ideas is a Hobo Alarm. Still not joking.)
  • 10 Awesome Rubber Band Tricks (This only works if we’re invaded by pretend cowboys with wooden guns.)
  • How to Train Your Chickens (Because dancing chickens will come in handy after the end of the world.)
  • Are you Fit Enough to Escape? (Have they seen Americans lately? We’re too lazy to escape an open elevator.)
  • North American Spider Identification.

spiders

For more fun and laughs, wait for the next predicted catastrophic, calamitous, devastating event that will probably involve a virus attack from Neptune and the unveiling of Taylor Swift as the leader of the Neptunians. If you’re interested in learning how to make acorn coffee or turn a coffee can into a machete, check out http://www.prepperwebsite.com.

Why the World Won’t End This Year

(And if you read it backwards, it says “Yadsmood 2102.” Eerie, isn’t it?)

In a very Grinch-like move, the Mayans have chosen to ruin Christmas this year by predicting the end of the world. ACTUALLY, they didn’t predict the world ending–their day planner just got filled up. But if they’re right, Dec. 21 (which happens to ruin my Friday–and my weekend plans) will be the day we’re either a) hit by a rogue planet, b) forced to watch every episode of every Kardashian TV show, or c) made to bow down to our new president, BeZorg.

Luckily, our country has spent billions of dollars in space technology, telescopes and Transformers to protect our planet from boomeranging comets and intergalactic warfare. Plus, Bruce Willis has those sweet asteroid-exploding skills we could put to use. Soooooo, I think we’ll be okay.

(He’s either constipated, or seriously concerned about the fate of our planet.)

Doomsayers have predicted that a cloud of negative energy will engulf the solar system–causing terror and chaos. Guess what? That’s already happened. It’s called the GOP debates.

( Now, THESE suckers might destroy our planet even before December.)

Nostradamus has been given credit for predicting everything from the exile of Adam and Eve to the Katy Perry-Russell Brand divorce (but of course EVERYONE saw that one coming.) Was Nostradamus Mayan? Isn’t it true he predicted that Hollywood would fall into the sea, causing smeared mascara and a shortage of bad movies?

Anyway. I know the world won’t end this year because:

I just ordered a three-year subscription to O magazine. And you KNOW Oprah won’t let the world end before she’s ready to quit publishing.

(What I know for sure? This world won’t end until I have ALL the money. Mwahahahaha.)

I REALLY want to see the second season of “Revenge.” That Emily Thorne is a bitch. I want to be her.

(This is one classy, cold-hearted wench.)

I’d miss my crazy-ass dog, Ringo.

I have a lifetime supply of Turtle Wax I’m not even CLOSE to using up.

Remember Y2K?

(Not as cool as a zombie apocalypse. . .but it will have to do.)