Another World’s End False Alarm

If you’re reading this, the world didn’t end yesterday. Or maybe it did end and your hell is being forced to read my blog for eternity.

Anyway. Once again, we’ve survived a predicted apocalypse and I’m getting pretty tired of preparing for the end of the world only to wake up and find that I have to go to work. I thought world-ending collapse would at least get me a couple days off.

boo

During the few years that I’ve written this blog, we (as humanity) have survived several earth-ending scenarios. I already wrote about a couple of those events in Top 5 Reasons the World Didn’t End and Why the World Won’t End This Year, so I’ve had to stretch my mind to find another disaster-specific blog topic about the End of Times. I discovered Preppers.

Preppers are not (as I mistakenly assumed) upscale students, prone to wearing branded clothing to impress their underlings. Preppers are dedicated to surviving disasters through vast and over-the-top preparations for every possible apocalyptic scenario.

Their website boasts topics like (and I’m not making this up):

  • Misconceptions About Prepping for a Nuclear Attack (Misconception #1: You can survive a nuclear attack.)
  • Preparing for the Coming Clash of Civilizations (I’m not sure which civilization we’ll be clashing with. Aliens? Dinosaurs?)
  • Here’s How You’ll Die When the Shit Hits the Fan (Great title for a kids book, just in time for Christmas.)
  • Ten Ways to Fool the Authorities (That sounds like a great idea.)
  • Nine Tips for Preppers With Non-Prepper Spouses (That’s a sure-fire way to spend the apocalypse sleeping on the couch.)
  • Survival Bread recipe (It doubles as a truncheon.)
  • Cooking Without Electricity (I do that all the time. I call it ordering pizza.)

cooking

  • 18 Off-grid Uses for Tin Cans (One of these ideas is a Hobo Alarm. Still not joking.)
  • 10 Awesome Rubber Band Tricks (This only works if we’re invaded by pretend cowboys with wooden guns.)
  • How to Train Your Chickens (Because dancing chickens will come in handy after the end of the world.)
  • Are you Fit Enough to Escape? (Have they seen Americans lately? We’re too lazy to escape an open elevator.)
  • North American Spider Identification.

spiders

For more fun and laughs, wait for the next predicted catastrophic, calamitous, devastating event that will probably involve a virus attack from Neptune and the unveiling of Taylor Swift as the leader of the Neptunians. If you’re interested in learning how to make acorn coffee or turn a coffee can into a machete, check out http://www.prepperwebsite.com.

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