If you’re reading this, the world didn’t end yesterday. Or maybe it did end and your hell is being forced to read my blog for eternity.
Anyway. Once again, we’ve survived a predicted apocalypse and I’m getting pretty tired of preparing for the end of the world only to wake up and find that I have to go to work. I thought world-ending collapse would at least get me a couple days off.
During the few years that I’ve written this blog, we (as humanity) have survived several earth-ending scenarios. I already wrote about a couple of those events in Top 5 Reasons the World Didn’t End and Why the World Won’t End This Year, so I’ve had to stretch my mind to find another disaster-specific blog topic about the End of Times. I discovered Preppers.
Preppers are not (as I mistakenly assumed) upscale students, prone to wearing branded clothing to impress their underlings. Preppers are dedicated to surviving disasters through vast and over-the-top preparations for every possible apocalyptic scenario.
Their website boasts topics like (and I’m not making this up):
- Misconceptions About Prepping for a Nuclear Attack (Misconception #1: You can survive a nuclear attack.)
- Preparing for the Coming Clash of Civilizations (I’m not sure which civilization we’ll be clashing with. Aliens? Dinosaurs?)
- Here’s How You’ll Die When the Shit Hits the Fan (Great title for a kids book, just in time for Christmas.)
- Ten Ways to Fool the Authorities (That sounds like a great idea.)
- Nine Tips for Preppers With Non-Prepper Spouses (That’s a sure-fire way to spend the apocalypse sleeping on the couch.)
- Survival Bread recipe (It doubles as a truncheon.)
- Cooking Without Electricity (I do that all the time. I call it ordering pizza.)
- 18 Off-grid Uses for Tin Cans (One of these ideas is a Hobo Alarm. Still not joking.)
- 10 Awesome Rubber Band Tricks (This only works if we’re invaded by pretend cowboys with wooden guns.)
- How to Train Your Chickens (Because dancing chickens will come in handy after the end of the world.)
- Are you Fit Enough to Escape? (Have they seen Americans lately? We’re too lazy to escape an open elevator.)
- North American Spider Identification.
For more fun and laughs, wait for the next predicted catastrophic, calamitous, devastating event that will probably involve a virus attack from Neptune and the unveiling of Taylor Swift as the leader of the Neptunians. If you’re interested in learning how to make acorn coffee or turn a coffee can into a machete, check out http://www.prepperwebsite.com.