An Open Letter to Santa 2015

Dear St. Nick,

I know you’re busy with all your dashing and dancing and prancing and vixing, and I know you have mall appearances, party stops, photo ops, elf control, reindeer upkeep and sleigh polishing, not to mention Mrs. Claus’ to-do-list. So I thought I’d help you out by putting together a Naughty/Nice list that could save you a lot of time.

Do NOT leave gifts for these people/groups:

Any Kardashian/West. There’s nothing you can give them they can’t give themselves. Including pretentious names.

Any candidate for president of the USA. From Donald Trump to Bernie Sanders, these people deserve NOTHING. Correction: these people deserve to live like middle-class Americans for six months. Make it so.

gop

(Let’s have our election Hunger Games-style.)

Any member of ISIS. Since they don’t celebrate Christmas anyway, I guess that’s not an issue. Maybe just have your reindeer poop on the Syrian headquarters.

Random people with guns. Not only should you NOT leave gifts, you should take their guns and hide them at the North Pole.

Anyone who posts a selfie. Get over yourselves!!!

These people/groups deserve something nice:

The Prince William/Kate Middleton Family. They are the epitome of freakin’ cuteness. They don’t need stuff. Maybe just keep them safe.

royal family

(The All-American family. If they were American.)

Pope Francis. He’s probably not that big of a gift guy, so you can give his presents to the poor.

Middle-class Americans: Hey, we’re just trying to make it through and shaking our fists in helplessness as politicians screw with our lives.

People who care for animals: As more animals are listed as endangered, these people bring attention to saving everything from elephants to whales. (Maybe don’t give them anything with fur or leather.)

Kids: But nothing electronic. Make sure they have to take their toys outside.

Travel safely, Santa. Be sure to avoid surface-to-air missiles, drones, Donald Trump and brownies in Colorado.

Merry Christmas!

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