What’s In My Bag?

Why is it suddenly cool to stick our noses into a celebrity’s carry-all? Fashion magazines devote pages to discovering the secrets in a movie star’s purse. Do you really want to know that Meredith Vieira hauls around dog treats and a machete in her $800 bag? Or do you care that Lady Gaga carries pints of her own blood stashed in her chic Chanel Cerf Tote? I’d love to discover that Gwyneth Paltrow carries a homemade tampon and $5,000 in small bills in her clutch.

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(This actress carries her Volkswagen in her bag.)

Celebrities are weird. But at least they don’t walk around asking to look inside our pockets and purses.

But if they did, here’s what they would find in my non-trendy, 2012 Guess knock-off purse:

1. Receipt from Chipotle for a healthy salad with black beans and grilled chicken. Time stamped at 12:45.

2. Receipt from Paradise Bakery for five snickerdoodles. Time stamp 12:57.

3. An assortment of used and shredded tissues.

4. Five half-full lip gloss tubes, sticky and covered with tissue residue.

5. A toy dinosaur. I think it’s a stegosaurus. Or it might be a stuffed rabbit with Doritos stuck to its back.

6. An assortment of writing awards.

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(Hey, do you wanna see my trophies?)

7. Empty water bottles. (In case I need to build an emergency raft.)

8. One earring.

9. Sunglasses with one lens missing.

10. A handful of leaky blue pens.

11. One sunglasses lens.

12. A balloon hat.

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(A balloon hat is always in season.)

I think you should stop people all day long and ask to look in their handbags. I wonder how long it would take for someone to punch you in the pancreas.

People I’m Tired of Hearing About

Give a dog a bone, and he chews it until it’s a messy, pulpy, disgusting pile of goo. Which he then swallows.  Give the media a scandal, and they’ll do the same thing. Is the media just lazy, or are celebrities too easy to talk about? Either way–enough, folks!!

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I don’t want to hear another WORD about any of these people(s):

  • Miley Cyrus: I get it. She’s a dirty whore. Guess what? She doesn’t care. Let’s move on.
  • Kris Jenner (aka, The Kardashian Kommandant): She had a talk show? She’s a tight-faced control-freak? Her daughters are tramps? Not news.
  • Paula Deen: She lived in the South. She made a mistake. She apologized. NEXT!
  • One Direction: Just ’cause.

id(All they need is Ego and Super-Ego. Oh, wait. . . )

  • Lady Gaga: What?? She did something crazy? She wore a see-through parachute with Converse high-tops? That’s like saying Alaska was cold last winter.
  • Beyoncé/J-Lo (because they’re interchangeable):  Beyoncé swinging her (daughter?) Clinging Blue Ivy at the park. Beyoncé getting mobbed by fans. Beyoncé’s hot-body advice. Beyoncé’s hot-fashion advice. How ’bout not?
  • Congressmen: Professional re-speakers, they haven’t had an original thought in decades.
  • Reality Show Judges: Don’t watch. Don’t care.

judge(I might watch if Judge Judy was an American Idol judge.)

  • Justin Bieber: Maybe he and Miley can get together and out-disgust each other.
  • Lindsay Lohan: Drug-addled Disney teen who lost her way. I sense a theme.
  • Taylor Swift: If I watch another awards show where I see the camera cut to Taylor for her every reaction, I will throw a shoe at the screen. And then I’ll be angry ’cause I broke my TV.
  • Jennifer Aniston: Married? Single? Pregnant? Upset? Stripping? Vegetarian? Really, people. Don’t you have a life?

I also don’t want to see anyone’s baby bump, plastic surgery scars, fashion mistakes, ultrasounds, blood tests results, tongues, shocking hair cuts/colors, paternity tests, or anyone’s “private hell” or “drop-50-pounds-fast” starvation routine. I call “uncle.”