Book Reviews: Supernatural Turnings

I’ve always wanted to be a witch. There are many who believe I’ve accomplished that goal. I picture myself as an enchantress with beautiful red, curly tresses, casting spells and helping those in need. I’m a good witch, of course.

In “A Discovery of Witches” by Deborah Harkness, a young college professor tries to surpress her witchy powers handed down to her from her powerful parents. Fool. She also falls in love with a vampire–which seems to be absolutley forbidden by some “creature code.”

There are times this book gets bogged down in bodice-ripping, lusty, deep-breathing details that make me cringe, and the main character, Diana, seems to do a lot of eating, sleeping and being confused. If these are witch requirements, I am SO there.

The story follows Diana and her handsome vampire as they try to figure out the secret behind her powers. All kinds of things like time travel, history, witch laws, the creation of demons, etc., come into play–which makes for an interesting read. “A Discovery of Witches” is the first book of a triology. Of course. But fun if you like casting spells on friends and neighbors.

3 stars out of 5

“. . . at three o’clock in the morning in the village of Bishopthorpe, it is easy to believe the lie indulged in by its residents–that it is a place for good and quiet people to live good and quiet lives. . . If you let yourself think this, you would be wrong. For 17 Orchard Lane is the home of the Radleys, and despite their very best efforts, they are anything but normal.”

My second book is “The Radleys” by Matt Haig. This isn’t your gentle, slow Boo Radley character. This is your “We’re trying not to eat the neighbors” Radley family. The parents in the Radley family are abstaining vampires–vampires who have decided not to drink human blood. That’s nice of them. Their two teenage children have no idea they’re also vampires–until a fateful night when one of them eats a guy. Whoops.

All hell breaks loose. So to speak.

This book is much darker than the witch novel, but creepily and eerily fun. Again, if you like the idea of drinking human blood to sustain an incredible lifestyle, this book might be for you.

3 stars out of 5

Top 5 Reasons to Skip My Annual Exam

Each spring, along with flooding and allergies, I get to enjoy a Trip to My Gynecologist! I recently edured this annual event and have vowed to never go again. Here’s why:

#1 The Awkward Hoo-Ha Examination: After I’ve stripped down to nothing and wrapped myself in a generic blue sheet, my doctor decides to make small talk while examining my nether-regions. I can only see the top of her head and I can’t imagine what SHE’S looking at. Between questions about my children, job and vacation plans, she probes, alien-like into my (heretofore) private area.

Me: “No we don’t have any plans for the WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING DOWN THERE?!?! OFFSHORE DRILLING?!??!”

#2 The Humiliating Mammogram: Because my mom’s family insists on getting breast cancer, I’m required to get a yearly mammogram. For those young ‘uns out there who have not experienced this procedure, here’s a great way to practice.

First, place two metal pie pans in the freezer for 24 hours. Next, grab a stranger walking past your home and undress from the waist up. Have the stranger take the pie pans and smash them cymbal-like onto your left boob. Try this smashing from different angles. Repeat on the right side. Pay the stranger $50.

#3 The Angry Phlebotomist: As I sat down to get my blood drawn, the phlebotomist was on the phone yelling at the IT guy because her computer wasn’t working. Then she turned to me, eyes a-crazy and fangs glistening. She picked up a thick, thick needle and proceeded to shove in into my tiny, delicate little vein. My scream traumatized the women in the waiting room.

(Actual photo of the phlebotomist, taken from my cell phone.)

#4 The Fasting:  Because my blood needed to be nutrient-free (I guess Vampira is on a diet), I had to fast before my appointment. At 11 a.m., I dragged my famished body into the doctor’s office–and didn’t leave until 1:30! MORE THAN TWO HOURS OF STARVING AND TORTURE. Luckily, I’d packed provisions, which I ate immediately following my leeching. Note to self: swallowing 20 almonds without chewing is not good for my colon.

#5 The Bill: It was my understanding that insurance PAYS for office visits. But the nurse/IRS trainee informed me I owed them more than $50 for the fun experience I just had.

Now wait a minute. I had been groped, poked, fondled, grabbed and felt up. In slightly different circumstances, I’D be the one getting paid.

Homemade Baked Goods = Abuse

My mom spent my childhood punishing me and my siblings.

Store-bought cookies and Wonder Bread were treats from the Gods, but my mom did all of our baking. So instead of Oreos or Chips Ahoy cookies, we had to endure homemade chocolate chip cookies, snickerdoodles and gingersnaps. We were SO picked on. And we let her know it.

Every fews days, she would make bread. She had miniature bread pans so we could make our own loaves. (I would make tiny sandwiches for my dolls and eat them: the sandwiches, not the dolls.)  While the bread was still hot, she’d cut us a thick slice and slather homemade strawberry jam on top. It was like eating an angel. (Probably not a good description.) But we constantly begged her to buy “store-bought” bread.

Instead of baked goods from the grocery store, we had to endure homemade oatmeal cakes with caramel frosting, raisin bars with a vanilla glaze, cherry-filled sugar cookies and soft chocolate cookies with cream filling. We were SO deprived. We made sure mom knew how much we suffered.

My friends would BEG to eat her baked treats. We thought they were crazy. My mom’s cookies were NOTHING like what you could buy in stores.

When mom baked pies she took leftover pie crusts strips, sprinkled them with cinnamon and sugar and baked them until they were crispy and delicious. I’d burn my fingers EVERY time trying to get a piece before it had cooled. (I’m still pretty greedy when it comes to pie crust.)

Occasionally, she would bring home a loaf of soft, chewy Wonder Bread. We’d take slices, roll them into little balls and eat them like manna from heaven. Because we were stupid. And entirely ungrateful.

I would give almost ANYTHING to have a loaf of mom’s bread or a batch of her oatmeal cookies. She taught me (after many years of my complaining) that baking is equivalent to loving.

My mom taught me to truly enjoy baking. I’m not a gourmet chef by any stretch of the imagination, but spending the afternoon with my grandkids frosting sugar cookies, or smelling cinnamon rolls baking on a Sunday morning, brings back memories of watching mom in the kitchen, cooking for us ungrateful little brats.

And when MY daughters erupted in ecstasy when I brought home a bag of Keebler Elf Cookies so they wouldn’t have to eat my homemade stuff, I would just smile.

 

Book Review: Two Books With Strange Titles

“The Elegance of the Hedgehog” by Muriel Barbery is a collection of essays about beauty, art, life and movement wrapped around a heartbreakingly bittersweet story of acceptance, love and grace.

In order to keep up her “expected” role as the dowdy, stupid concierge at an upper-class apartment building in Paris, the uber-intelligent Renee hides her love of music, art and literature. Her wealthy and snobby neighbors look at her with disdain, if they look at all.

Paloma, a 12-year-old genius living in Renee’s building, has decided to burn down her apartment and kill herself on her 13th birthday. She sees nothing to look forward to as an adult. (Paloma’s observations on the hypocrisy in society can be downright hilarious.)

Enter a wealthy Japanese man who sees both of these women for who they truly are–and changes their lives forever.

If you like a mindless read–this isn’t it. The writing is elegant, well-crafted and describes what makes life beautiful; what gives life meaning.

It took me a while to get into this book because I REALLY had to pay attention, but about 70 pages into it, I was hooked. This story will break your heart, so have some tissues handy.

4 1/2 stars out of 5. (I would have given it 5 stars but the ending pissed me off.)

SO worth reading.

Kate Atkinson’s “Started Early, Took My Dog” is a collection of happenings revolving around 3 main characters. When Tracie Waterhouse sees a mother abusing her daughter in public, she decides to buy the girl and take her home. This choice escalates into a series of adventures in Tracie’s previously unexciting life.

Jackson is a private investigator who witnesses a man abusing a dog in public. He rescues the dog and takes him home. Jackson is trying to find a woman’s biological parents: but nothing adds up. He encounters a mystery almost 40 years old and makes a few enemies.

Telly is an aging actress with dementia who just landed a part in a TV series. Very good (and sad) depiction of a character who is literally losing her mind.

These characters wind in and out of each other’s lives, never quite connecting, but still affecting each other immensely.

Sometimes the story was hard to follow because it jumps back and forth between characters, and in time, but then sometimes I find the nightly news hard to follow.

3 1/2 stars out of 5

Funniest things at my nephew’s graduation

My nephew graduated from Murray High School last week (Go Spartans!) Since I’m also a Murray High grad, it was fun to sit through another graduation. (I’m TOTALLY lying. Graduations suck.)

Anyway. I’m very proud of him, but his graduation had some definitely funny moments including:

  • The girl who totally biffed it as she walked off the stage. (A graduation she’ll never forget.) I felt bad for her. I guess I shouldn’t have greased the ramp.
  • This quote from the student body president, telling students where to drop off their caps and gowns. “All the students with last names starting with A through K, go to the left. For letters. . . .everyone else, go to the right.”
  • This quote from ANOTHER commencement speaker. “When we first got to high school, we thought it was all about showing off our boobs and being popular.” (You mean it WASN’T about that?!?!?!)
  • A grim statistic from a school official. “A house today will cost you, on average, $203,000. A house in 40 years will cost $2 million.” (Damn well better include a sprinkling system.)
  • The little boy behind me who kept saying, “Can we go now???” (Okay, he was also my nephew–but still funny.)
  • The fact that my brother-in-law was singing along to the sappy song being performed by the choir. (Graduations have WAAAAAY too many musical numbers. It’s not freakin’ “Glee” folks.)

If all goes well, I’m off the hook for graduations until 2013. And since that would be my daughter’s graduation, I’ll enjoy it. Probably.

Top 5 Reasons I Won’t Vote for Mitt Romney

It’s official. Former Massachusetts governor, former Olympic savior, former presidential loser Mitt Romney is, once again, running for president.

Sigh.

Does EVERY republican have to run for president?

Here are the Top 5 Reasons Why I Just Can’t Bring Myself to Vote for Boy Wonder:

#1: He reminds me too much of Guy Smiley–the suave, slick game show host from Sesame Street.

#2: He tries a little too hard to prove he’s “one of us.” (When we ALL have a summer home in New Hampshire–then we’ll talk.)

#3: His “sense of humor” is a little off. Maybe he could print some kind of guide to understand his “jokes.” (He recently sent leftover pizza to Obama’s campaign headquarters in Chicago as a prank. Hahahahahaha. Wait. I don’t get it.)

#4: He doesn’t just speak out of both sides of his mouth; he’s like that two-headed cow at the county fair.

#5: He’s WAY too obsessed with his hair.  Never trust a person with hair that doesn’t blow in the wind.

Book Reviews: An Orphan and a Teenage Girl

Oliver Twist

Two or three times a year, I’ll dive into a literary classic. Often it’s Jane Austen or Mark Twain but this month was Charles Dickens’ “Oliver Twist“. Big fan of old Charles, I am. But I’d never read “Oliver Twist” and decided it was high time I did.

A vast amount of swooning, fainting and crying happens in “Oliver Twist“–mostly by the main character. In fact, I can’t think of a bigger pussy in the history of literature. He spends most of the book recovering from illnesses brought on by his overwrought emotional state.

The characters in the book are either SO good or SO bad. Not a lot of gray in Dickens’ characters. It’s melodrama to the umpteenth degree.

SPOILER ALERT: There are predictable endings for the novel’s characters: On the one hand, everyone finds out they are secretly related and they live in happy bliss surrounded by butterflies and unicorns. Except for the thieves. Who all die. Hooray!

Dickens also has a very low opinion of Christians. He must have spent some time around some. But Dickens’ dialogue is always first-rate. A very sarcastic, satirical writer. Which is probably why I love him. But “Oliver Twist” was not my favorite.

2 1/2 stars out of 5

Inzanesville

You could not PAY me to relive junior high. I can’t think of a more traumatic, emotionally damaging period of time in a young girl’s life. Jo Ann Beard’s novel “Inzanesville” captures that horrifying experience very well with the un-named main character agonizing over EVERY decision she makes, not wanting to look stupid.

The intricacies and craziness of relationships at 14-years-old is depicted very well as the young girl battles with her sister and mother, worries about her father, has misunderstandings with her best friend and is basically trying to find her way in this crazy thing we call life.

Good read. Funny, honest and a great example of how tenuous friendships can be.

3 1/2 stars out of 5.

Sugary Goodness

My sugar addiction is well documented.

As a child, my diet consisted of Sugar Pops, sugar cookies, Sugar Babies and sugar straight from the bowl. We lived in Murray, Utah, about a mile from a small store called Mr. G’s where I spent every waking moment perusing the candy aisles, deciding which sugar-filled candy item to stuff in my face. (Answer: everything.)

I would also buy candy cigarettes and Fresca (because Fresca looked like a beer can). I’m sure I convinced all my neighbors that little 9-year-old Peri was a raging alcoholic and a chain smoker.

                                        

My most common purchases at Mr. G’s included:

B-B-Bats (any flavor).

Wax bottles filled with a teensy amount of sugary liquid (might have been a sedative).

Charms Sweet & Sour Pops that would make the roof of  my mouth bleed.

Freshen Up gum that had a squirt of something oozy in the middle (Ewww).

Bottle Caps –especially the Coke flavor because my mom wouldn’t let me drink Coke.

Big Hunks–a “chewy” nougat bar with nuts–responsible for pulling out at least five of my teeth.

Candy necklaces that would mix with the my sweat in the summertime and turn my neck into a rainbow of pastel colors. I tried to lick my neck. Didn’t work.

Razzles. Yeah, it’s supposed to be gum but I ate them like candy.

Luden’s cherry cough drops–or black licorice drops. For no particular reason.

Candy lipstick (to put on after I finished my candy cigarette and Fresca beer).

Licorice Snaps (which I HATED but still ate). Hey, they were made of sugar.

By the way, my dentist loved me.

What was your childhood addiction? Is there a candy you loved? Share with me. Make me feel like I’m not the only child from the ’70s addicted to anything sugar.

Top 5 Reasons the World Didn’t End

Apocalypse Later

You might have heard the world was supposed to end a few days ago. I think news of our demise was premature. But Harold Camping, the 89-year-old Christian leader who predicted world’s end, is nowhere to be found. Was he taken to heaven in the Rapture? Is he hiding out at Baskin-Robbins, eating Death by Chocolate ice cream? Or is he busy re-calucating the end-date one more time?

I think there are probably a lot of reasons why the earth wasn’t destroyed on May 21. Here are the top five reasons I think we’re still here:

#1: We gained an extra life by killing Osama bin Laden.

#2: Superman found the gigantic Acme Rapture-o-Matic machine and unplugged it. Thanks, Superman.

#3: Because we’re all so self-absorbed, the world DID end and nobody noticed.

#4: Hello! It’s supposed to end on December 21, 2012. Just ask the thriving Mayan society.

#5: God is so sick of dealing with us that he’s in a galaxy far-far away enjoying a margarita by a cosmic pool. He figures we’ll destroy ourselves soon enough.

Whatever the reason, I’m glad to be here.

Movies That Scarred Me For Life

In my current Life and Laughter column, I discussed scary movies and how they basically ruined me. Here’s a more complete list of life-altering movies that made me who I am today. Messed up.

The Wizard of Oz: The tornado in this movie scared the living s*** out of me. I was convinced that every windstorm would carry our home to a place with helium-voiced dwarves, apple-throwing trees and green-faced witches. Still not sure that won’t happen. And don’t even get me started on the flying monkeys ripping apart the Scarecrow. Hello, therapy.

Salem’s Lot: This made-for-TV scare-fest featuring creepy vampires kept me from looking out the window for years. I still picture the pale vampire hovering outside the window, just waiting to come in for a drink. Or a bite. Who keeps their curtains open in the middle of the night????

Aliens: I never actually watched this movie but my dad had a graphic novel depicting the plot that kept me awake for about 24 months. I couldn’t stop staring at the page where the alien bursts out of the guy’s chest. Very nicely drawn–graphically correct. The drawing of the grown-up alien with slobbery blood dripping from his jowls was another definite nightmare inducer.

Planet of the Apes: Talk about evolution taken to the extreme. In this NOT-FOR-KIDS movie my dad made us watch, apes have taken over the planet (not apes like Newt Gingrich or Rush Limbaugh–but actual gorilla apes). It’s HILARIOUS now, but when you’re a little girl afraid of small dogs, the idea of apes locking humans up in cages was more than a little unnerving.

The only redeeming part of the movie (which also gave me nightmares) was Charlton Heston’s lines when he realized he was on earth the whole time.

“Oh my God. I’m back. I’m home. All the time, it was… We finally really did it!”
[Heston screaming]
“You Maniacs! You blew it up! Ah, damn you! God damn you all to hell!”

Freaked me out for many, many years.

What movies messed up your childhood?

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