An Open Letter to Santa 2016

santaletter

Dear Santa,

I fear we’ve miscommunicated. I thought we agreed there were certain people on your list who would NOT be given the gift of the United States presidency.

Maybe when I specifically asked you to “Give him coal” you heard, “Let’s bring back coal.” Perhaps when I said, “Protect women’s rights” you were certain I said, “Let’s roll the advancement of women back to the 1950s.” Maybe  a rational, temperate, well-spoken and kind president wasn’t available this year. Perhaps it was out of stock?

I understand. Maybe you were blinded by the orange glow radiating from the president-elect’s skin. Perhaps his promise to “Bring back Merry Christmas” was enough for you to look the other way as he Twitter-raged through the last couple of months.

When I was a child, if I treated others poorly or if I was bombastic and proud, I would be disappointed on Christmas morning. I’m pretty sure if I had secret dealings with a Russian leader, spewed racist and/or sexist comments and continued to think I was “Smart enough” to run a country without intelligence briefings, I would get a lump of coal in my stocking.

Oh, wait. He got Big Coal, Big Oil and Big Industry for Christmas.

While the idea of a Trump presidency scares the shit out of me, I keep wishing on a Christmas star that his pompous act is all for show, and deep down he knows what the hell he’s doing. But as he continues to rant at Twitter execs, Vanity Fair, the cast of Hamilton and SNL, and anyone else who dares have an opposing view, I fear for the future.

So, Santa, since you’ve already f***ed up the holiday season, maybe bring our new president the gift of diplomacy, grace, humility and love for all human beings. Or bring the rest of us lots of alcohol.

Love,

Peri

 

 

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Vote For PK!

Since today is President’s Day, I stopped to think how much it would suck to be president of the U.S. Talk about making NOBODY happy.

But there MUST be perks to being prez or no one would bother to run every four years. Here are the top things that would make it cool to be president.

  • Absolute Power! (Duh)

(My cabinet would be the Masters of the Universe.)

  • $400,000 a year, plus a $50,000 annual expense account. Yeah, I could spend that.
  • I would designate July 5 (my b-day) as National Peri Kinder Day–extending the 4th of July holiday an extra day–and creating lots of love for me.
  • The bumper sticker on my pimped-out limo would read, “My other car is Air Force One. Suckas!”
  • No housework for FOUR YEARS!!!!

(I’m the one not holding a vacuum.)

  • I can mail things for free for the rest of my life. Or until the post office folds.
  • I would establish a cool presidential library. The Peri L Kinder Presidential Library (located in Kearns, Utah) would feature a large sunroom with window seats; access to snacks of all kinds (mostly candy); James Earl Jones reading to me from any book I choose; slides; trampoline floors; and a bedroom so I could live there.
  • I could get a “Hail to the Chief” ringtone. (Then I’d call myself all the time.)
  • I would choose an awesome VP. Maybe Chelsea Handler, Tina Fey or Ellen DeGeneres.
  • I’d hire a staff member to exercise for me.

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(I’m not shown in this picture. I’m sleeping.)

  • I’d probably get to meet Jon Stewart. And Matt Lauer. And Kermit the Frog.
  • I would spend a lot of time deciding which SNL comic would portray me in sketches. I’m thinkin’ Bill Hader.

(Give him a blonde wig and we’re TWINS!)

Now I’m WAY excited to run for president. I’m pretty sure I could beat Romney, Gingrich, Santorum, Paul–and any other GOP candidate still crawling out of the woodwork. But then I probably wouldn’t have time to blog.

Screw it.

Top 5 Reasons I Won’t Vote for Mitt Romney

It’s official. Former Massachusetts governor, former Olympic savior, former presidential loser Mitt Romney is, once again, running for president.

Sigh.

Does EVERY republican have to run for president?

Here are the Top 5 Reasons Why I Just Can’t Bring Myself to Vote for Boy Wonder:

#1: He reminds me too much of Guy Smiley–the suave, slick game show host from Sesame Street.

#2: He tries a little too hard to prove he’s “one of us.” (When we ALL have a summer home in New Hampshire–then we’ll talk.)

#3: His “sense of humor” is a little off. Maybe he could print some kind of guide to understand his “jokes.” (He recently sent leftover pizza to Obama’s campaign headquarters in Chicago as a prank. Hahahahahaha. Wait. I don’t get it.)

#4: He doesn’t just speak out of both sides of his mouth; he’s like that two-headed cow at the county fair.

#5: He’s WAY too obsessed with his hair.  Never trust a person with hair that doesn’t blow in the wind.