Top 5 Things I Hope to Never Wear

(If I wear anything around my neck that could double as a doily, perhaps I should stop dressing myself.)

I’ve reached the age where fashion can fall victim to comfort. I’ve been known to wear sweats most of the day and don flip-flops instead of cute sandals. But here are five things I hope to NEVER wear. If you see me wearing ANY of these items, feel free to stop me in the street and remove the offensive item. Thank you for your support.

#1: Elastic-waist slacks. I’m sure they’re super comfy and s-t-r-e-t-c-h-y, but if I’m wearing corduroy or velvet “slacks,” or denim “jeans” with an elastic waist, just shoot me. Especially if they’re too short–and I’m wearing loafers. With white socks.

#2: A Housedress. Who hasn’t seen their grandmother or mother wearing this lovely and shapely design? Just a note to my daughters: If you buy me a housedress for any holiday–you’re out of my will.

(Don’t let this happen to you.)

#3:  Knitted Waistcoat. What the hell does this even mean?

#4: Velcro sneakers.  If I wear ANY shoes that need to be fastened with velcro, then it’s time to wheel me out to the garbage can. Especially if they feature Dora the Explorer. And they light up when I walk.

(All I need are some scrubs.)

#5. TIE: Senior Citizen Discount Hat and Dining Bib.  Really?!?! Why would I ever wear a hat that screams “Call the funeral home ASAP”? And as for the bib. If I’m drooling so much I need a bib, just wipe me off with my housedress.

(Perhaps you could just put  a cup under my chin. Or this hat.)      

Ringo’s Tips for Living

Living with a dog is a lot like living with a zoned-out stoner. They both stretch out across the couch all day, smell bad, mooch out of the pantry and don’t have jobs. But I LOVE our puppy!!!

In my last Life and Laughter column, I wrote about the last two years since we adopted Ringo. (Shhhh. Don’t tell him. He doesn’t know we’re not his real parents.) Here are some life-isms I’ve learned from our crazy-ass puppy:

(Ringo, two years ago. I don’t know the name of the dog sniffing his butt.)

Naps aren’t a luxury–they are a necessity. Ringo spends most of his day spread out across the living room floor, or couch, moving only for food, a walk, or a belly rub (see below). He has turned napping into an art form. Taking a cue from him, I will curl up around him on the couch until we both start snoring.

Belly rubs make everything better. Ringo LOVES having his belly rubbed vigorously. In fact, when he sees us coming, he’ll roll over so we have better access to his tummy. But NO ONE better touch my belly. I will slap you. Instead, I’ve learned that shoulder and back rubs make amazing substitutes for the belly rub.

(Ringo, letting it all hang out for a belly rub.)

Eat only when you’re hungry. We feed Ringo twice a day. Sometimes he eats, sometimes he doesn’t. He doesn’t ever feel the urge to clean his plate or finish all of his dinner; unless steak, gingersnaps or small pieces of cheese are involved. I haven’t quite mastered this lesson since I eat anything that isn’t plastic. And some things that ARE plastic.

Be excited about going outside. Ringo has trained me to walk him twice a day. Each walk is an adventure for him. He’s as excited today to walk as he was the very first time we took him to the park two years ago. I especially like our winter walks when no one is outside. Great way to clear my head.

Sometimes a hug makes everything better.

(Giving my daughter a hug. Or strangling her. I really can’t tell.)

Things Driving Me Crazy in New Orleans

I’ve experienced New Orleans, N’Awlins, NOLA and/or The Big Easy since Friday. Although people are crazy everywhere, here are some crazies specific to what I’ve experienced in New Orleans:

  • Pedestrian crossings are a frightening adventure. Kind of like playing a real life version of Frogger.
  • Bourbon Street?!?! Really?!?! I’ve never seen a more obnoxious and loud street in the entire country.

(Nothing better than having an overweight girl in a skimpy bikini try to lure your husband into a strip club.)

  • The entire city smells of urine and vomit. (Usually from people stumbling off Bourbon Street.)
  • As a journalist, I can’t endorse the use of the slogan “Who Dat?” for the New Orleans Saints.

(Grammar need not apply.)

  • The term “fast food” is a completely foreign idea to “employees” at “fast food” places in NOLA. As is the term “customer service”.  (Actual conversation.) Me:  “I would like a mango/pineapple smoothie, please?” “Employee” (after turning around to talk to her friend for a while): “What did you say?” (Actually, it was “What Dat?” but I refused to answer her until she used English.”)
  •  Humidity. My hair is already thick and wavy. It doesn’t need help from YOU Mother Nature.
  • Our 1,100 room hotel has a fitness center with 1 bike, 1 treadmill and 2 elliptical machines (one of them is broken). I guess management doesn’t care if their guests have to jog outside on urine-soaked streets.  Shame on you, Sheraton.
  • Too much good food!!! With po-boys, jambalaya, creole shrimp, beignets, french bread, fried seafood platters, double chocolate bread pudding, crab cakes, southern ribs and red beans, I’ve gained roughly 20 pounds–even with the use of urine-soaked streets. Tomorrow, back to Utah where I can only get Jell-O or root beer.

Top 5 Reasons I’m No Good At Packing

Packing gives me hives. Not the “carrying a loaded pistol” kind of packing, but the “leaving for New Orleans for sightseeing, meetings and banquets” kind of packing.

I know you’re all, “Oh, poor Peri has to go to Bourbon Street. Wah. Wah. Wah.” But knock it off! Here are the top five reasons I’m no good at packing a suitcase.

1. Shoes: How many pairs can I fit into one 50-lb. suitcase? The answer–not enough. I’ll need dressy shoes for the banquet, cute shoes for sightseeing, fashion shoes for meetings, tennis shoes for the gym, flip-flops for the pool and cute sandals for everything in between. That leaves room in my suitcase for a Wisp toothbrush and a bobby pin. Not acceptable.

2. Underwear: You can never have enough clean undies. I need a pair for each day, with matching bras, because you don’t want to be attacked by a crocodile and wind up in the ER having your clothes cut off while you’re wearing mismatched underwear. Fashion faux pas. Tim Gunn would NOT be happy.

(“This just isn’t working for me.”)

3. Books/Magazines: If I’m sitting in an airport, or on a plane, without something to read, just shoot me. So, I need a book to read and several magazines in case the book gets boring. Then I’ll need a couple more books in case the meetings are boring and I finish my book. Then I’ll need more magazines in case the maid at the hotel steals them. It’s a never-ending cycle of publications. And I REFUSE to purchase a Nook or a Kindle. Hear me? Re. Fuse.

4. Hair/make-up products: The best thing to do when traveling, is to utilize that no-make-up, fresh-faced glow–but it takes a lot of products to achieve that look. With concealer, foundation, sunscreen, moisturizer, serum, scrubs, cleanser, eye shadows, eye liners, mascara, primer, powder, blush, lip gloss, lip stick and lotion–PLUS shampoo, conditioner, leave-in conditioner, mousse, gel, hair spray, dry shampoo, bath gel, body scrub and a loofah, that’s a lot of space. Ummm. Maybe I can just UPS that stuff directly to the hotel.

5. Neatness Doesn’t Count. Right?: When Tom packs, everything is folded, rolled, separated and organized into colors, function and usage–kind of like an IKEA associate did his packing. When I fill a suitcase, things are fashionably wadded and fitted around various shoes. Sometimes, items are stuffed INTO shoes. Kind of like this:

(Will a shopping cart fit in an overhead?)

And what if it rains? Or hurricanes? What if I’m invited to a spur-of-the-moment black tie event? What if I participate in a voodoo ceremony? There are so many potential fashion opportunities. How will I ever pack it all!!??!!

Celebrity Overkill of the Day: Emmy Awards

My husband and I are pretty well matched except for one GLARING difference. I could care less about movie stars, country singers, directors or reality “celebrities” while my hubby tracks their every move on Facebook, Twitter, magazines and TV. (I think he might have has several restraining orders against him.)

The Emmy Awards (or any celebrity awards show) are a big deal to him and so each year I sit and watch while multi-millionaires with eating disorders give each other trophies. (But that’s okay, I make him do yoga twice a week–so we’re even.)

(Someone get this Emmy Award presenter a sandwich. STAT.)

Anyway. If you missed last night’s celebrity-induced vomit-spectacle, here were some highlights (or lowlights):

  • The sitcom “Modern Family” won everything, including best actor, actress, dog, bicycle, catering, interior design and best original cupcake.
  • A reformed and penitent Charlie Sheen wished the new cast of “Two and a Half Men” an almost-sincere good luck. Right.

(“I am on a drug. It’s called Charlie Sheen. It’s not available. If you try it once, you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body.”–real quote from C. S.)

  • The Emmytones–an “interesting” a capella group–“sang” between segments. I don’t know who thought this was a good idea–but I don’t think they’ll be winning an Emmy.
  • Julianna Margulies wore a dress honoring plug-in air fresheners. Which one is Julianna–which one is plugged into your wall?

(Oh, she smells so fresh.)

  • Fun note: The Best Actress in a Comedy nominees all took the stage and awaited the results like beauty pageant competitors. And the winner was. . . Melissa McCarthy (“Mike & Molly) who also rocked “Bridesmaids.” Good on ya, Melissa!
  • Andy Samberg, Mya Rudolph, Michael Bolton and Lonely Island reprised some of their funniest songs from Saturday Night Live during the show. Fans of SNL probably really enjoyed it. Parents of kids watching the Emmys–not so much. Not sure if that medley was ready for prime time. (But still hilarious.)

(Raunchy lyrics. Sexual themes. Hilarious guest appearances. Okay for late night on Saturdays. Probably not so much during Sunday “family” viewing.)

Tune in to next year’s Emmy Awards to see who loses to “Modern Family,” “The Daily Show” and “Mad Men.” Or just do some yoga–you’ll feel much better.

Top 5 Reasons I Worry About the Future

Children are our future. Of course, with Congress right now, children are also our present.

Have we done a good job teaching our kids what they need to know to run this world? Here are some potential stumbling blocks that maybe should be addressed before the kids take over:

1. No communication skills. This generation is being raised in cyberspace where things like etiquette, tact and emotion do not exist. Although they can text on their cell phones faster than a Kardashian can shop, children have no ability to actually carry on a face-to-face conversation. Eye contact is nearly extinct. (If you are a child and are not sure what the word “conversation” means, please Google it.)

2. Germaphobes. Back in the day, we drank out of garden hoses, shared soda pop cans and bathed only when necessary.Today’s kids have a world so sterile, it will be a miracle if they’ll be able to reproduce. Hand sanitizer is the new shirtsleeve. We’ve destroyed our children’s immune systems for the next 50 years.

3. No problem-solving skills. Is your child failing math? Well, for heaven’s sake, do his work for him. Is he having trouble with a teacher or another student at school? Take charge and fight the battle for them. I’ve seen parents write reports, put together science projects and even call employers to explain why their child was late for work. Really?! What part of “growing up” is hard to understand?

4. No attention span. This isn’t just for kids. Talk to anyone for a few minutes and you’ll see their eyes darting side to side, their tongue rapidly licking their upper lip and a fine sheen of sweat appear on their forehead–because while they’re talking to you–THEY ARE MOST DEFINITELY MISSING SOMETHING IMPORTANT.

5. Overscheduled. Kids today have more items on their agenda than the First Lady. Tennis lessons, French cooking classes, baseball practice, dance recitals, CPR training and meetings with their agents leave kids exhausted. And then we wonder why our kids are irritable and sleepy.

We’re raising the most globally-aware and socially-consicous generation ever. Let’s not screw it up.

Book Reviews: Hit and Miss

If you’ve ever dreamed of living in the Amazon with native tribes while researching fertility drugs–then “State of Wonder” by Ann Patchett is your book.

Marina and her colleague, Anders, are researchers at a pharmaceutical lab. But when Anders travels to South America to check up on the researchers, he dies–and is buried in the jungle. Anders’ wife asks Marina to travels to Brazil to find out the details behind her husband’s death.

Just a sidenote: I could NEVER travel down the Amazon River. Patchett’s description of the jungle and the creepy-crawlies, cannibals and giant snakes that live there will keep me safe in my home for the rest of my life. I probably won’t even go on Disneyland’s Jungle Adventure anymore.

Patchett is an amazing writer. I really enjoyed “Bel Canto” but I think she outdid herself with “State of Wonder.” Interesting to read how everything changes once civilization is left behind.

5 stars

“A Visit From the Goon Squad” is the much-heralded, Pulitzer-prize winning book that was supposed to be the most amazing novel of the year.

I just didn’t get it.

Granted, I’m not as smart as I should be, but none of the characters seemed likeable and I found myself endlessly frustrated with their behavior and choices.

EXCEPTION: The Powerpoint chapter was fantastic and so well-crafted that I read it twice. But overall, a seemingly endless cast of characters filled the pages and I found myself going back frequently to figure out who was who.

I get it. Everyone gets old. Youth is wasted on the young. People are never happy with what they have. Yadda, yadda, yadda.

3 stars out of 5

I Blame The ’70s

I was just a little girl during the ’70s, but this decade was a formative time for my little brain. Many of my quirks can be traced  back to that crazy era of equal rights, cold war and my introduction to “The Pink Panther” movies.

Here are some of the trends that shaped who I am today (for good or bad):

The Gong Show: This early version of “America’s Got Talent” proved to me that if you suck–people will let you know in loud and obnoxious ways.

Pong: One day while visiting my grandpa, he pulled us kids aside to show us his latest treasure. It was a huge box that connected to the TV set. He turned it on and my life changed. Atari’s Pong taught me how to waste vast amounts of time while sitting on my ass. A tradition I still embrace today.

(Don’t mock me. This was some high-tech s*** back in the day.)

Test Tube Babies: I was too young to understand the concept behind this ground-breaking procedure. All I was concerned about was how a baby could possibly fit into a test tube.

“Jaws” (the book): When I was 8, I decided to read “Jaws.” I got it from the library–and my mom’s head exploded. “You are NOT going to read that trash, young lady!!!”” Which made me want to read it even more. So. I decided to run away. To my aunt’s house. Two blocks away. It didn’t work and my mom didn’t change her mind. (But I read it anyway–and had nightmares for about, oh, 35 years. Take THAT, mom.)

(Some scary stuff when you’re 8.)

“Charlie’s Angels” and “The Bionic Woman”: It was empowering to see women chasing criminals–and looking good at the same time. This taught me that women can be beautiful, strong and respected; as long as they wear skimpy clothes and/or have robotic legs.

Holly Hobbie: Instead of being the little girl with blonde hair, lanky legs, buck teeth and fat cheeks that I was, I wanted to be Holly Hobbie. With her beautiful curls, demure smile and tiny features, she was everything I wasn’t. She taught me to suck it up because I’ll always have buck teeth and fat cheeks.  Bitch.

(The first girl to kill my self-image.)

Then there was “The Waltons”, the Fonz, bicycles with banana seats, disco, “The Brady Bunch”, Fat Albert, Mr. Peabody and Sherman,  Spirograph, “Star Wars”, The Hustle, Mr. Whipple (“Please, don’t squeeze the Charmin.”), Pop Rocks, Slime and my Easy Bake Oven. All of these things made me who I am today.

Completely schizophrenic.

(Forget school. This is the place I learned all the important stuff.)

File under: WTF

I just read in the paper about two young “adults” who filed a lawsuit against their mom for emotional distress in the amount of $50,000. First, isn’t that a mom’s job? Second, (you might ask) what constitutes “emotional distress” to these two lovely children?

Here’s your answer. (Did I mention they live with their father–an attorney–in a $1.5 million home?)

During their childhood, their mother:

  • Insisted that her 7-year-old son buckle his seat belt or she’d call the police
  • Haggled over the amount she wanted to spend on a party dress for her daughter
  • Called her daughter at midnight, asking that she return home from a school party
  • Sent the “wrong kind” of birthday card (it didn’t include a check or cash)
  • Failed to send her son a care package when he was in college
  • Wouldn’t take her daughter to a car show

These offenses make me wonder–WTF? If MY daughters decided to sue me for “emotional distress” (which is entirely possible), I would counter-sue and ask for the judge to order the following consequences:

  • They would have to mow my lawn with a PUSH MOWER every Saturday afternoon. In the heat. Without an iPOD.
  • They would have NO access to cell phones or the Internet.
  • They would only be allowed to watch network television.
  • They would have to WALK to school. Every day. Rain or shine.
  • New school clothes would consist of 2 pairs of Levi’s, 5 T-shirts, 1 pair of tennis shoes and 1 pair of dress shoes.

Sound familiar? That’s because that was OUR childhood. Sometime during the last 20 years, entitled, horrible children took over the planet. Should be an interesting future.

Things Driving Me Crazy Today

I’ve decided it doesn’t take much to push me over the edge. Here’s what’s making me crazy today:

  • Paying high school registration fees, class fees, parking fees, yearbook fees and activity fees, and then buying pencils, folders, pens, calculators, paper, notebooks and binders. Exactly what do all those fees pay for?
  • Eating a delicious piece of pie, but not paying attention. So I missed enjoying the whole experience. (I guess I’ll have to try it again.)
  • Drivers who can’t follow parking lot arrows. And parking lots in general.

(Typical parking lot at Wal-Mart on any given day.)

  • Women with money who act entitled. (Yes, I’m talking about YOU, uppity wench, at the nail salon.)
  • People who start counting down the days to Christmas when it’s still August. Shut up, you!!
  • The fact that every east-west bound road leading from my home is under construction AGAIN!! Maybe it should have been done right the first time.

(Sad, but true.)

  • Michael Waddoups. Just for the hell of it.
  • People who are ALREADY campaigning for president. I’m so sick of politicians, I hope NOBODY wins and we fall into anarchy.

(This image goes with the previous two items.)

  • Drivers who speed up when I try to merge. Or slow down and stay completely by my side so I can’t change lanes.
  • The fact that I’m not a gazillionaire. (But then I’d probably be an uppity wench.)
  • Tomorrow’s Tuesday. I’m sure I’ll be more crazy tomorrow.
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