Take Your Best Shot

Untitled design (3).pngI’m stating right up front I hate vaccinations. I’m not an anti-vaxxer, I’m just more afraid of getting a tetanus shot than dying a horribly painful death.

My dad scarred me for life when he told me to avoid petting strange dogs. I didn’t know what made them strange, but he went on to explain how dogs have rabies and if you get bit, you get a great big shot in your stomach – or you die. #OldYeller

That was enough to scare me away from dogs for at least 40 years. The neighbors got tired of me screaming every time their dog barked.

And it made me terrified of shots.

My mom did her part when it came to scaring the DiSeases out of me in regards to vaccinations. She showed up at school one day to give me a ride home, which should have been my first clue. Mom never drove us to or from school, even in the snow, even in the rain, even when we were late, even when stupid boys threw earthworms at us.

But there she was, in the pick-up line with a big smile on her face (second clue).

“Why are you here?” I asked, suspiciously.

“We’re going to get a treat,” she said, all innocent and everything.

“Super!”

As soon as I was in the car, we drove to my doctor’s office where he proceeded to give me an MMR booster.

There are no words.

When my daughters needed shots, I dreaded it more than they did. Usually. There was that one time when teenage daughters #3 and #4 literally ran around the doctor’s office to avoid their immunizations. They only settled down when the cute male nurse came and stood in the doorway.

Even when it pained me, my daughters got all their shots. Every. Single. One. Plus, I threw in a few more just to be safe.

Back in the day, when people died from pretty much everything, the arrival of vaccines was celebrated. Some diseases were so deadly they were used as weapons. #NotCool

When the polio vaccine was introduced, the public went wild. They were tired of watching their children die.

Finally, scientists created ways to protect us from smallpox, rabies, tetanus, whooping cough, diphtheria and BTS. Each year, vaccines prevent up to 3 million deaths worldwide.

You know there’s a but.

But for the first time ever, this year the World Health Organization (WHO?) added “vaccine hesitancy” to the list of top 10 health issues. Not because there’s a shortage or because vaccines are unavailable. Nope. Parents just don’t want to get their kids immunized.

They worry vaccines aren’t safe, despite generations of success, millions of lives saved and numerous studies from important medical people like Bill Nye the Science Guy.

I understand this is a divisive topic. I’m just not sure why.

Yes, there can be risks, but they are small compared to the overall health of the universe. That’s like saying, “My neighbor was in a car crash and the seat belt broke her ribs. I’m never wearing a seat belt again.”

Some say immunizations go against their religious belief. Is it possible God inspired scientists to create vaccines as an answer to millions of prayers? He inspired someone to create fudge-dipped Oreos. That was a definite answer to a prayer. #AngelsAmongUs

Thanks to social media and digital platforms, anti-vaxxers continue to wage war against science and common sense. In the meantime, disease is on the rise.

As school starts, get your kids immunized, which is super hypocritical considering I’ll most likely die from rabies or tetanus.

Originally published in the Davis Clipper.
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Passing the T-Day Torch

NormanRockwellAt what point does the preparation of Thanksgiving dinner get handed over to the next generation? Is there a statute explaining the process of turning the oven mitts over to the daughters/sons so they can begin their own traditions?

I grew up thinking it was a law for grandmothers to make the Thanksgiving feast, with all the favorite dishes like perfectly-roasted turkey, mashed potatoes, fluffy biscuits and pumpkin pie with real whipped cream; and the not-so-favorite bowls of sweet potato casserole and giblet stuffing. I never thought T-Day would ever change, that we’d go on eating at grandma’s house until the end of time.

But then my Grandma Stewart passed away. And then my Grandma Brickey passed away. And although I knew my mom was a good cook, I worried that Thanksgiving just wouldn’t be the same. She didn’t have the aluminum drinking cups that gave grandma’s 7-Up and Kool-Aid concoction that metallic tang. And she didn’t have access to boysenberry bushes to create my favorite holiday pie. And my cousins wouldn’t be around to torment.

Thanksgiving rolled around, and (surprise!) the meal magically appeared on the table—with all the appropriate fixin’s. My mom had done it! She pulled it off! I was impressed, and showed her my gratitude by eating two dozen of her dinner rolls, doused in homemade strawberry jam.

I decided I could put off worrying about traditions being changed for many, many years.

Or so I thought.

One day, my mom announced she was moving to the far-off state of North Carolina with her new husband, blatantly ignoring the fact that her daughters were Thanksgiving-disabled. Oh sure, we brought the mandatory side dish to each holiday meal; but we’d never cooked an entire T-Day banquet. It seemed our choices were either a) move to North Carolina, b) order KFC take-out, or c) eat only pie (which I was totally okay with).

My sisters and I called an emergency meeting. We tentatively agreed to cook a turkey, but had no idea how big that turkey should be, or how many potatoes needed to be peeled, and we were clueless about making gravy. We knew mom’s first ingredient was always butter; we figured we couldn’t go wrong from there.

Luckily, we had mom on speed-dial, and she talked us through that first Thanksgiving without her. We survived with only mild cases of food poisoning, and a broccoli stuffing that was quietly served into the garbage disposal.

But after mom passed away, we couldn’t even call her for tips.

IMG_0654That’s when I realized that I had become the grandmother, that legally it was my role to feed my family Thanksgiving dinner. I still can’t time a turkey; it’s either finished cooking way too early, or still roasting while we eat pie. And I refuse to make sweet potatoes. But we’ve established our traditions, and hopefully my grandkids associate the holiday with my desserts and homemade rolls. And not the overcooked stuffing or too-salty gravy.

I often wonder which of my daughters will take over the role of Thanksgiving chef when I’m too old and feeble to cook (any day now). And I wonder what favorite foods will become traditions at their meals. As our families become more diverse, T-Day might include tamales, shrimp curry or sushi. I’m cool with that.

As long as there are homemade rolls and jam, and any kind of pie, my Thanksgiving is complete.

You Know You’re a Mother If . . .

Mother’s are a special breed. Usually a cross between a Pomeranian and a Black Lab, they are either yapping constantly, or smothering you with love. Once you’re a mom, you do things you never imagined,  because kids numb your brain to any kind of higher-thought functions.

brain

(Your brain on kids.)

About the time your 2-year-old hands you a long, slimy booger, and you wipe it on the hem of your T-shirt, you realize your mind has become mommified. Here are other symptoms of this exclusive momish behavior:

  • You stop wearing dangly earrings and necklaces because your toddler thinks they are climbing ropes.
  • As a gift, you receive a Campbell’s soup can, spray-painted silver and covered with glued-on uncooked pasta (also spray-painted silver). And you treasure it.
  • You’ve ever said, “No, I’m not angry. Just really disappointed.”
  • Just the thought of having an afternoon alone makes you cry.
  • You have a kitchen drawer full of Tupperware lids for kids to play with.
  • Your child makes a mess, and instead of cleaning it up, you post it on Instagram.

Cassi's birthday (3)

(This situation calls for a camera–not a washcloth.)

  • You’ve ever yelled at invisible monsters in the middle of the night, saying “Get out of here, you monsters, or I’ll kick you in the butt!”
  • You try to catch throw-up before it hits the carpet.
  • Your child sleeps an extra hour, and you are so worried, you end up waking her up.
  • Your “good clothes” consist of yoga pants without any noticeable food stains.
  • Your trips to the bathroom are treasured reading times.
  • You warm up a Healthy Choice meal for lunch, and remember to eat it two hours later.
  • You’ve realized potty training is much worse than changing diapers.
  • Your purse is full of rocks, wilted flowers, used Kleenex, pinecones, Goldfish crackers, Band-Aids and spit-out apple skins.
  • You have chocolate hidden in your underwear drawer.
  • You can step on a Lego at 3 in the morning without screaming.

trap

(What a Lego feels like on your bare feet.)

  • Everything you wear smells like peanut butter.
  • You know the entire TV schedule for PBS, Nick Jr., Disney and Cartoon Network.
  • Your child plays in the sandbox for 30 minutes, then leaves piles of sand throughout the house for two weeks.
  • Someone keeps eating the “good” cookies you hid behind the kale chips.
  • You can make a working volcano out of newspaper, glue and baking soda.
  • You play the Quiet Game several times a day. With coworkers.
  • You eat your child’s leftovers, including cold chicken nuggets, soggy French fries and fish sticks with the breading picked off.

Happy Mother’s Day to all you dedicated (and crazy) moms out there!

 

 

Homemade Baked Goods = Abuse

My mom spent my childhood punishing me and my siblings.

Store-bought cookies and Wonder Bread were treats from the Gods, but my mom did all of our baking. So instead of Oreos or Chips Ahoy cookies, we had to endure homemade chocolate chip cookies, snickerdoodles and gingersnaps. We were SO picked on. And we let her know it.

Every fews days, she would make bread. She had miniature bread pans so we could make our own loaves. (I would make tiny sandwiches for my dolls and eat them: the sandwiches, not the dolls.)  While the bread was still hot, she’d cut us a thick slice and slather homemade strawberry jam on top. It was like eating an angel. (Probably not a good description.) But we constantly begged her to buy “store-bought” bread.

Instead of baked goods from the grocery store, we had to endure homemade oatmeal cakes with caramel frosting, raisin bars with a vanilla glaze, cherry-filled sugar cookies and soft chocolate cookies with cream filling. We were SO deprived. We made sure mom knew how much we suffered.

My friends would BEG to eat her baked treats. We thought they were crazy. My mom’s cookies were NOTHING like what you could buy in stores.

When mom baked pies she took leftover pie crusts strips, sprinkled them with cinnamon and sugar and baked them until they were crispy and delicious. I’d burn my fingers EVERY time trying to get a piece before it had cooled. (I’m still pretty greedy when it comes to pie crust.)

Occasionally, she would bring home a loaf of soft, chewy Wonder Bread. We’d take slices, roll them into little balls and eat them like manna from heaven. Because we were stupid. And entirely ungrateful.

I would give almost ANYTHING to have a loaf of mom’s bread or a batch of her oatmeal cookies. She taught me (after many years of my complaining) that baking is equivalent to loving.

My mom taught me to truly enjoy baking. I’m not a gourmet chef by any stretch of the imagination, but spending the afternoon with my grandkids frosting sugar cookies, or smelling cinnamon rolls baking on a Sunday morning, brings back memories of watching mom in the kitchen, cooking for us ungrateful little brats.

And when MY daughters erupted in ecstasy when I brought home a bag of Keebler Elf Cookies so they wouldn’t have to eat my homemade stuff, I would just smile.

 

Happy Mother’s Day

It’s been five months since cancer took my mom. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of her and thank her for the opportunity I had to be her daughter. My mom could be. . . how do I put it. . .stubborn. But she taught me how to love being a mom, and how to enjoy being alive.

Some of the best lessons my mom taught me (or tried to teach me that didn’t necessarily stick) include:

  • Never, never, never stop learning.
  • Keep track of your vacation money by using cash-filled envelopes for food, gas, souvenirs, etc. (Disclaimer: I don’t do this–We teased her mercilessly about it.)
  • Cook desserts from scratch using real butter and cream whenever possible. And it’s always possible.
  • Flip off slow drivers. (Not something I do, but my daughters have certainly picked it up.)
  • Friends come and go but family is there FOREVER. I don’t think she meant it as a threat. I could be wrong.
  • Laugh as often as possible and never take yourself too seriously.
  • Read something every day.
  • Christianity isn’t something you learn from a book. It’s something developed in the heart.
  • Plant flowers. (I did not inherit my mom’s green thumb. I plant flowers and they wither abruptly. However, my mom could make plastic plants blossom.)
  • Have good friends.
  • Live with joy until the very end.

This Mother’s Day is the first time in my life that I won’t be able to talk to mom and tell her I love and appreciate her. I hope wherever she is, she’s planting a garden, eating chocolate cake and reading a really good book. I love you and miss you, Mom.

Make sure to send love to your mom today.