You know you’ll never do it. I won’t either. But if you’re looking for reasons to delete your Facebook account, here’s a few to ponder. (Note: it’s physically impossible to delete your account. Layers of pissed-off warning boxes jump at you when you try to leave and eventually Mark Zuckerberg–or it might be Jesse Eisenberg–will personally call and threaten your family if you continue with the Facebook account deletion.)

#1. I’m so tired of being poked. What does that even mean? Every time I get poked I feel vaguely uneasy and slightly violated. There should be a Facebook poking support group.

#2: Farmville, Farkle, Bejeweled, FashionWorld, Cafe World, Cityville, Happy Aquarium, Country Story, Tower Bloxx, Icy Tower, Tiny Castle, QBeez, Canary, Club Penguin and Puzzle Pop. To name a few.

I’m not going to water your crops. I’m not going to rescue your princess. I’m not going to collect your rent. And I think Farkling is illegal in Utah. I can’t take care of my own life. I certainly can’t save your imaginary one. Stop asking me for s***.

#3: I don’t know the majority of my “friends.”  Yeah, it’s cool I have hundreds of virtual friends. How many friends in real life? Three. And FB? Stop suggesting friends for me.

#4: Too much information!!! I don’t care who changes their profile picture or adds Pig Latin to their languages. Don’t tell me when you’ve had a bowel movement or that your cat is going in for nasal surgery. Keep some things to yourself. It’s called being mysterious.

(My cat before her nasal surgery. Disclaimer: I don’t own a cat.)

#5: Addicting Time Wastin’ Fun.  Why do I scroll through hours of past status updates or get excited when I see TWO people “liked” my post? Why do I click on photo albums, comment on YouTube videos and RSVP to events (circle yes or no if you can come to my party)? Because I’m an ADDICT. I admit it. I’m sure before you finish reading this, I’ll have checked my FB page 47 times to see if anyone comments.

I need help. Or maybe sugar. Yeah, probably sugar.