Each spring, along with flooding and allergies, I get to enjoy a Trip to My Gynecologist! I recently edured this annual event and have vowed to never go again. Here’s why:
#1 The Awkward Hoo-Ha Examination: After I’ve stripped down to nothing and wrapped myself in a generic blue sheet, my doctor decides to make small talk while examining my nether-regions. I can only see the top of her head and I can’t imagine what SHE’S looking at. Between questions about my children, job and vacation plans, she probes, alien-like into my (heretofore) private area.
Me: “No we don’t have any plans for the WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING DOWN THERE?!?! OFFSHORE DRILLING?!??!”
#2 The Humiliating Mammogram: Because my mom’s family insists on getting breast cancer, I’m required to get a yearly mammogram. For those young ‘uns out there who have not experienced this procedure, here’s a great way to practice.
First, place two metal pie pans in the freezer for 24 hours. Next, grab a stranger walking past your home and undress from the waist up. Have the stranger take the pie pans and smash them cymbal-like onto your left boob. Try this smashing from different angles. Repeat on the right side. Pay the stranger $50.
#3 The Angry Phlebotomist: As I sat down to get my blood drawn, the phlebotomist was on the phone yelling at the IT guy because her computer wasn’t working. Then she turned to me, eyes a-crazy and fangs glistening. She picked up a thick, thick needle and proceeded to shove in into my tiny, delicate little vein. My scream traumatized the women in the waiting room.
#4 The Fasting: Because my blood needed to be nutrient-free (I guess Vampira is on a diet), I had to fast before my appointment. At 11 a.m., I dragged my famished body into the doctor’s office–and didn’t leave until 1:30! MORE THAN TWO HOURS OF STARVING AND TORTURE. Luckily, I’d packed provisions, which I ate immediately following my leeching. Note to self: swallowing 20 almonds without chewing is not good for my colon.
#5 The Bill: It was my understanding that insurance PAYS for office visits. But the nurse/IRS trainee informed me I owed them more than $50 for the fun experience I just had.
Now wait a minute. I had been groped, poked, fondled, grabbed and felt up. In slightly different circumstances, I’D be the one getting paid.