Dear St. Nick, I know you’re busy with all your dashing and dancing and prancing and vixing, and I know you have mall appearances, party stops, photo ops, elf control, reindeer upkeep and sleigh polishing, not to mention Mrs. Claus’ to-do-list. So I thought I’d help you out by putting together a Naughty/Nice list thatContinue reading “An Open Letter to Santa 2015”
Category Archives: Uncategorized
A Brief History of Children
When silly, old Eve chose wisdom over nudity in the garden of Eden, what was her punishment? That she would be fruitful and multiply. In non-biblical words, she was doomed to have children. Seems like the penalty didn’t really fit the crime. Did she understand, as she grew rounder and larger and moodier, that a parasitic growth wasContinue reading “A Brief History of Children”
Just Smile: An R-Rated Rant
Men. Reading this blog could save you from being murdered to death by your spouse, sister, mother or female co-worker. If at any point in your life you walked by a woman, noticed her expression and told her to smile, you are in extreme danger. I’m not shitting you. Your coffee is probably being poisonedContinue reading “Just Smile: An R-Rated Rant”
Another World’s End False Alarm
If you’re reading this, the world didn’t end yesterday. Or maybe it did end and your hell is being forced to read my blog for eternity. Anyway. Once again, we’ve survived a predicted apocalypse and I’m getting pretty tired of preparing for the end of the world only to wake up and find that I have toContinue reading “Another World’s End False Alarm”
What’s In My Bag?
Why is it suddenly cool to stick our noses into a celebrity’s carry-all? Fashion magazines devote pages to discovering the secrets in a movie star’s purse. Do you really want to know that Meredith Vieira hauls around dog treats and a machete in her $800 bag? Or do you care that Lady Gaga carries pints ofContinue reading “What’s In My Bag?”
Questions I’m Often Asked
Now that I’m a super-famous blogger, I’m always getting stopped in the street and asked questions. Usually those questions are along the lines of, “Can you get out of my way, ma’am?” or “What the hell are you doing?” but once in a while, someone surprises me with a true inquiry. Because I don’t knowContinue reading “Questions I’m Often Asked”
Things I Don’t Clean (Don’t Judge Me, You Judging Judgers)
In a previous life, I must have been an overworked, underpaid maid, because in my current life, I have no desire to clean anything. To avoid health department citations (and rats) I do the bare minimum required to keep cholera and typhus out of my home, but that’s the extent of my housekeeping. Unfortunately, I’ve learned there are LOTS ofContinue reading “Things I Don’t Clean (Don’t Judge Me, You Judging Judgers)”
Back-To-School Guide from A to Z
To quote the great Yogi Berra, “I’m not going to buy my kids an encyclopedia. Let them walk to school like I did.” Now that I’ve gotten that out of the way, let’s turn our attention to all the things that need to be done before your adorable children head back to school. You’ve hadContinue reading “Back-To-School Guide from A to Z”
Things That Make Me Happy
I’m a pretty happy person. I’m realistically optimistic and usually expect the best. But I can also be a bit moody (“What the hell does THAT mean?”) and can get gloomy if I find myself doing the same thing over and over again. I’m also pretty good at cheering myself up. I have lots of go-toContinue reading “Things That Make Me Happy”
I Use Words Good
I’ve been known to make words up. Usually swear words. But, still . . . Anyway. Time magazine studied why some made-up or blended words work. Successful examples include: affluenza (a lack of motivation affecting young wealthy people), dramedy (a drama/comedy–much like Congress) and Brangelina (the joining of two amazingly gorgeous people). The magazine also studied why some words don’t work. ForContinue reading “I Use Words Good”
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