Is your mother the only person reading your blog? Are you posting spammed comments so you look popular? Do you wish you could attract more people to your site? Well, today’s your lucky day. Sex. By incorporating these Top 5 suggestions, your blog should reach at least two people by the end of November.

1. Use blog terminology: By harnessing your blog roll and syndicating the content on your RSS feed, under the auspices of links and trackbacks, your search optimizationed guest bloggers will soon nominate yourself for web rings and online blogosphere analytics. Then you can StumbleUpon interaction with the blogeur du jour. Sex.

2. Be yourself. (Unless you’re boring. Then be somebody else): Tap into your “inner voice” while writing your blog. No, not the inner “voices” that tell you to eat a bucket of KFC in the Victoria’s Secret dressing room (sex), but write from your “truth,” your “Self,” your “innate being.” (I need to stop reading Deepak Chopra.) Sex.

(This man listens to the voices.)

3. Be SEO-Friendly: Invite SEOs over for dinner. Since they are running big companies, and are connected to the “little people” in their organizations, SEOs can offer great advice for creating content that is timely, fun and in high-demand. (Some SEOs can be real jerks. That’s okay. They can’t help it. Love them anyway. AAAARRRGGHH!! Damn  you, Deepak!) Lots of sex.

4. Follow other bloggers: I must admit, I TOTALLY misunderstood this concept, and spent many hours in my car, camped in front of the home of one of my favorite bloggers. She finally called the police. But we all had a good laugh at the situation, and they sent me on my way. (Little did they know, I cut a lock of her hair when she wasn’t looking.)

(Every move you make, every step you take. . . .)

5. Use key words to attract the online audience: Sex.

Follow this advice, then sit back and watch your views increase incrementally!