I’ve reached the age where fashion can fall victim to comfort. I’ve been known to wear sweats most of the day and don flip-flops instead of cute sandals. But here are five things I hope to NEVER wear. If you see me wearing ANY of these items, feel free to stop me in the street and remove the offensive item. Thank you for your support.
#1: Elastic-waist slacks. I’m sure they’re super comfy and s-t-r-e-t-c-h-y, but if I’m wearing corduroy or velvet “slacks,” or denim “jeans” with an elastic waist, just shoot me. Especially if they’re too short–and I’m wearing loafers. With white socks.
#2: A Housedress. Who hasn’t seen their grandmother or mother wearing this lovely and shapely design? Just a note to my daughters: If you buy me a housedress for any holiday–you’re out of my will.
#3: Knitted Waistcoat. What the hell does this even mean?
#4: Velcro sneakers. If I wear ANY shoes that need to be fastened with velcro, then it’s time to wheel me out to the garbage can. Especially if they feature Dora the Explorer. And they light up when I walk.
(All I need are some scrubs.)
#5. TIE: Senior Citizen Discount Hat and Dining Bib. Really?!?! Why would I ever wear a hat that screams “Call the funeral home ASAP”? And as for the bib. If I’m drooling so much I need a bib, just wipe me off with my housedress.
(Perhaps you could just put a cup under my chin. Or this hat.)