Top 5 Things I Hope to Never Wear

(If I wear anything around my neck that could double as a doily, perhaps I should stop dressing myself.)

I’ve reached the age where fashion can fall victim to comfort. I’ve been known to wear sweats most of the day and don flip-flops instead of cute sandals. But here are five things I hope to NEVER wear. If you see me wearing ANY of these items, feel free to stop me in the street and remove the offensive item. Thank you for your support.

#1: Elastic-waist slacks. I’m sure they’re super comfy and s-t-r-e-t-c-h-y, but if I’m wearing corduroy or velvet “slacks,” or denim “jeans” with an elastic waist, just shoot me. Especially if they’re too short–and I’m wearing loafers. With white socks.

#2: A Housedress. Who hasn’t seen their grandmother or mother wearing this lovely and shapely design? Just a note to my daughters: If you buy me a housedress for any holiday–you’re out of my will.

(Don’t let this happen to you.)

#3:  Knitted Waistcoat. What the hell does this even mean?

#4: Velcro sneakers.  If I wear ANY shoes that need to be fastened with velcro, then it’s time to wheel me out to the garbage can. Especially if they feature Dora the Explorer. And they light up when I walk.

(All I need are some scrubs.)

#5. TIE: Senior Citizen Discount Hat and Dining Bib.  Really?!?! Why would I ever wear a hat that screams “Call the funeral home ASAP”? And as for the bib. If I’m drooling so much I need a bib, just wipe me off with my housedress.

(Perhaps you could just put  a cup under my chin. Or this hat.)      

12 thoughts on “Top 5 Things I Hope to Never Wear

  1. I worry about this too… posted “Not Quite Old Enough for This” a while ago… I also had elastic waist pants. But I forgot the housedress! I did have theme sweaters, plastic rainhats, and pantyhose with sandals. I would never wear a hat that said I wanted a senior discount – I won’t even get an AARP membership. But I might considered a stylish bib…..


  2. Totally met a lady today wearing denim pants with an elastic band that were too short, white socks and brown velcro shoes. I’m betting she wears a house coat. My mother is starting to do the same thing with her pants. I’m waiting on the velcro shoes so I can hit her over the head with them. This is very funny (and true). 🙂


  3. The housecoat is just a hospital gown worn backwards. Just kill me now. At least a MuuMuu is bright and cheerful.


  4. I’m with you on all of these. My daughter advises me on What Not To Wear. I was instructed to never wear those active wear outfits–the loose pants with the matching jackets. I actually thought they’d be okay, though. But here’s a sick one–I actually wore some elastic waist slacks AND a housedress–in my 30’s! Then, I snapped out of it. I don’t know what I was thinking–must have been hanging out with the Mother In Law too often. great post. I like your humorous take on reality.


  5. Wow, this is another post of yours that’s worth of being freshly pressed. I told my significant other that the day I come out in high-waisted jeans with elastic where the button and zipper should be and velcro shoes is the day I give him permission to kill me.


  6. Horror. I plan to do all of those things and more after the age of 85. Not ready to go there yet though. Thanks for the morning laugh!


  7. haha! I think it would be comical to buy a house dress and start wearing it… just to see what your husband or kids would say. 🙂


  8. Yes, all of them! Yes! I recently wrote about the 1983 Sears Wish Book, which featured housecoats (“wish”…as if). Or “lounge gowns” as the Wish Book called them. They make sense in a rest home but that’s it.


  9. I was just remembering a conversation I had with my Nana 20 years ago. I told her I hoped I’d just DIE before I had to start wearing ugly shoes.


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