Uncategorized – Page 3

The Sound of Silence

Each year, nearly 6,000 children in the United States are treated for gunshot wounds. Every. Single. Year.

When our children are wounded by guns, there’s only silence from legislators who are supposed to protect them.

I’ve sensed a disturbance in society. A dark shadowy figure looms across the country, demanding loyalty from all those around him. A powerful force instigates unrest, encourages outrage and hate, and challenges his followers to embrace their inner rage to find their true destiny. This person could be Darth Vader. This person could be DonaldContinue reading “Darth Vader/Donald Trump”

Summer Vacation Blues

I remember summer vacation. Used to be, the school bell rang and we’d dash from our seats like cheetahs chasing a tasty gazelle. We were free! Three months of laziness! Now. Boo. The kids are out of school, enjoying three months of freedom they won’t appreciate–and us 9-to-5ers are trying not to cry as weContinue reading “Summer Vacation Blues”

You Know You’re the Mother Of a Teenage Daughter If . . .

Thank goodness children live with you for more than a decade before they become teenagers, because if couples were handed a teenage girl right off the bat, no one would ever have children again. Plan on enjoying the first 12 or 13 years with your adorable little girl. Store up all the fun you can becauseContinue reading “You Know You’re the Mother Of a Teenage Daughter If . . .”

Middle of the Night Musings

It’s 3 a.m. I’m awake. Again. My mind quivers like a raccoon on Red Bull, forcing me to think about a) Christmas shopping, b) the end of the world, c) my Halloween costume and d) wondering if I should throw Ringo the Dog outside because he’s been licking himself for hours. I’m also hot. Temperature hot, notContinue reading “Middle of the Night Musings”

Nonviolent Protest: A Primer

On Sunday, two dozen NFL teams demonstrated an act of nonviolent protest– and the country lost its shit. During the national anthem (you know, that five-minute block of time when you stock up on nachos and beer), NFL players either took a knee on the field or locked arms with teammates to show solidarity withContinue reading “Nonviolent Protest: A Primer”

Top 5 Reasons I Don’t Live in Florida

I took a summer break from writing this blog so I could have a mental breakdown. Now I can check that off my list of things to do and get back to some smart-ass blogging. As you’re aware, it’s hurricane season, and meteorologists around the country are having orgasms on live TV as they discussContinue reading “Top 5 Reasons I Don’t Live in Florida”

Why One Love Manchester Was a Big Deal

Remember in “How the Grinch Stole Christmas” when the Grinch has raided the Who’s village, taken all their food and gifts, and stands on the top of Mount Crumpit waiting for the Whos to wake up so he can hear their crying and sobbing? At first, he believes he hears wailing in the streets. ButContinue reading “Why One Love Manchester Was a Big Deal”

Kitchen Counterintelligence

Trump adviser and covert-appliance specialist Kellyanne Conway recently warned Americans that the CIA has discovered a way to turn microwaves into cameras with the intent to gather delicious data on the populace. As an entity, the CIA shit a brick after learning Conway spilled the beans on the entire spying scheme. (I always thought theContinue reading “Kitchen Counterintelligence”

Lazy Ways to Improve Your Marriage

So you have a spouse. Now what do you do? Marriage is much more than mindlessly irritating the person you love for the rest of your life. Marriage is a sacred bond that states you promise to listen to your spouse chew his/her food until the day you die. But how do you make itContinue reading “Lazy Ways to Improve Your Marriage”