Things Trump Should Ban

While The Donald sits in the Oval Office signing executive orders meant to divert and distract our attention, I wake up each morning waiting to see if we’ve nuked anyone yet. So far, so good.

But with all his power, it seems Trump is completely focused on the wrong things to ban. There are much worse things than refugees trying to infiltrate Detroit.

As you wield your mighty pen in your tiny hands, Mr. Prez, here are some alternative suggestions for you to ban.

  • Racism. (Oh, right . . .)
  • Internet pop-up ads.

popup

(Unless they’re all this funny.)

  • The automatic message on voicemail that says, “If you’d like to leave a message, please wait for the beep.” After decades of leaving messages, I think we’ve got this.
  • Teenagers
  • Wind
  • Cosmopolitan magazines sex tips.(I do what with the hand mixer?)
  • Diet Coke
  • Poverty and hunger. (It was estimated that Trump’s inauguration cost more than $200 million. Two. Hundred. Million. American. Dollars.)
  • People calling to sell me solar panels.

solar

  • January
  • Pull-tops on cans that break off because then you can’t open the can of crushed pineapple without slicing your wrist open on the jagged edges of the can that you pried open with a pair of tweezers.
  • War
  • Happy Meal toys
  • Haggis

That should give The Donald a whole bunch of things to take care of during this second week (only second week?!?) of his presidency. Feel free to add your own ideas to the list.

 

An Open Letter to Santa 2016

santaletter

Dear Santa,

I fear we’ve miscommunicated. I thought we agreed there were certain people on your list who would NOT be given the gift of the United States presidency.

Maybe when I specifically asked you to “Give him coal” you heard, “Let’s bring back coal.” Perhaps when I said, “Protect women’s rights” you were certain I said, “Let’s roll the advancement of women back to the 1950s.” Maybe  a rational, temperate, well-spoken and kind president wasn’t available this year. Perhaps it was out of stock?

I understand. Maybe you were blinded by the orange glow radiating from the president-elect’s skin. Perhaps his promise to “Bring back Merry Christmas” was enough for you to look the other way as he Twitter-raged through the last couple of months.

When I was a child, if I treated others poorly or if I was bombastic and proud, I would be disappointed on Christmas morning. I’m pretty sure if I had secret dealings with a Russian leader, spewed racist and/or sexist comments and continued to think I was “Smart enough” to run a country without intelligence briefings, I would get a lump of coal in my stocking.

Oh, wait. He got Big Coal, Big Oil and Big Industry for Christmas.

While the idea of a Trump presidency scares the shit out of me, I keep wishing on a Christmas star that his pompous act is all for show, and deep down he knows what the hell he’s doing. But as he continues to rant at Twitter execs, Vanity Fair, the cast of Hamilton and SNL, and anyone else who dares have an opposing view, I fear for the future.

So, Santa, since you’ve already f***ed up the holiday season, maybe bring our new president the gift of diplomacy, grace, humility and love for all human beings. Or bring the rest of us lots of alcohol.

Love,

Peri

 

 

American Horror Story

It’s finally here: Election Day 2016. The day dawned like any normal Tuesday, which means it sucked from the get-go. Of course it’s gone steadily downhill.

We’ve endured it all.

Hillary’s the Antichrist. Secretary Clinton with her emails and evil foundation with world leaders in her pocket; with her disingenuous smile and faux love for all mankind.

clinton

Trump is the Angel of Darkness. The Donald with his oozing smarminess that he smears on the general public like a rash ointment; his dramatic, racist and misogynistic speeches that border on incomprehensible at best and horrific at worst.

trump

Now we wait.

Which of these “leaders” will represent America for the next four years? Which one will set policy, host foreign dignitaries and uphold the rights of ALL Americans? Is it too late to start over?

I’m sure neither candidate will get 50% of the popular vote. I’m sure neither candidate will weather the next four years with grace and diplomacy.

But we can.

We can turn this horror story of an election around as people across the country come together to heal the division and bridge the racial chasms in the U.S. Or we can continue to bitch about the situation without lifting a finger to change anything–including our own actions.

You see, it’s really not about Trump vs. Clinton. It’s about the populace joining forces despite the anger and rhetoric that has permeated this election.

I’m just one voice. But so are you.

After seeing the choices, it’s up to us.

 

 

Super Tuesday? WTF?

Talk about an oxymoron.”Super Tuesday” is right up there with “airline food,” “Microsoft Works” and “government organization” when it comes to contradictory phrases. But Super Tuesday it is.

Today, residents in 12 states and American Samoa will cast their ballots in either a primary a caucus or a hullabaloo, making it the biggest day of the 2016 presidential ruckus. Why American Samoa? Why the hell not, you racist!

In a clearly misunderstood system, Donald Trump is the inexplicable GOP front runner, expected to win half the delegates needed to claim the nomination. Let me clarify. Trump will have half of the delegates needed to claim the republican nomination for President. Of. The. United. States. trump-combover

Let’s see if any other GOP candidate has the huevos to take Trump down like a harpooned hot air balloon.

  • Texas Sen. Ted Cruz? Probably not.
  • Florida Sen. Marco Rubio? Umm, nope.
  • Ohio Gov. John Kasich? Who?
  • Brain “surgeon” Ben Carson? I didn’t know he was still running.

Basically, republicans are f*%&ed.

For the democrats, Bill Clinton’s wife has been trying really hard to come across as empathetic, understanding and human. And it’s cute how Vermont Sen. Bernie Sanders/Larry David still thinks he has a chance. (It’s not good when voters are choosing their candidates based on which SNL character they like the most.)

bernie

(Pretty, pretty, pretty good.)

Super Tuesday is Super Complicated and there are all kinds of legal-ish rules that awards delegates to the person with the biggest caucus. (I think it might be Hillary.) There are all kinds of predictions, polls, fortune cookies and Magic 8 Balls trying to determine the outcome of today’s circus.

Here’s a rundown of what will happen today: The American people will lose.

Luckily, any president that wins in November has a judicial and legislative branch to tone down the crazy. Granted, those branches can add to the crazy–but I guess it could be worse:palin