While The Donald sits in the Oval Office signing executive orders meant to divert and distract our attention, I wake up each morning waiting to see if we’ve nuked anyone yet. So far, so good.
But with all his power, it seems Trump is completely focused on the wrong things to ban. There are much worse things than refugees trying to infiltrate Detroit.
As you wield your mighty pen in your tiny hands, Mr. Prez, here are some alternative suggestions for you to ban.
- Racism. (Oh, right . . .)
- Internet pop-up ads.
(Unless they’re all this funny.)
- The automatic message on voicemail that says, “If you’d like to leave a message, please wait for the beep.” After decades of leaving messages, I think we’ve got this.
- Cosmopolitan magazines sex tips.(I do what with the hand mixer?)
- Diet Coke
- Poverty and hunger. (It was estimated that Trump’s inauguration cost more than $200 million. Two. Hundred. Million. American. Dollars.)
- People calling to sell me solar panels.
- Pull-tops on cans that break off because then you can’t open the can of crushed pineapple without slicing your wrist open on the jagged edges of the can that you pried open with a pair of tweezers.
- Happy Meal toys
That should give The Donald a whole bunch of things to take care of during this second week (only second week?!?) of his presidency. Feel free to add your own ideas to the list.
Nah, we need wind in spring and summer. It’s an excellent mosquito repellant, and I need every asset in helping to repel those little bastards.
Now if you meant wind as in people farting in shared spaces, I fully support banning that. We could lump that in with the ban on teenagers since there are few things that delight a teenage boy like ripping a good one in an elevator.
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