Since today is President’s Day, I stopped to think how much it would suck to be president of the U.S. Talk about making NOBODY happy.

But there MUST be perks to being prez or no one would bother to run every four years. Here are the top things that would make it cool to be president.

• Absolute Power! (Duh)

(My cabinet would be the Masters of the Universe.)

• $400,000 a year, plus a $50,000 annual expense account. Yeah, I could spend that.
• I would designate July 5 (my b-day) as National Peri Kinder Day–extending the 4th of July holiday an extra day–and creating lots of love for me.
• The bumper sticker on my pimped-out limo would read, “My other car is Air Force One. Suckas!”
• No housework for FOUR YEARS!!!!

(I’m the one not holding a vacuum.)

• I can mail things for free for the rest of my life. Or until the post office folds.
• I would establish a cool presidential library. The Peri L Kinder Presidential Library (located in Kearns, Utah) would feature a large sunroom with window seats; access to snacks of all kinds (mostly candy); James Earl Jones reading to me from any book I choose; slides; trampoline floors; and a bedroom so I could live there.
• I could get a “Hail to the Chief” ringtone. (Then I’d call myself all the time.)
• I would choose an awesome VP. Maybe Chelsea Handler, Tina Fey or Ellen DeGeneres.
• I’d hire a staff member to exercise for me.

(I’m not shown in this picture. I’m sleeping.)

• I’d probably get to meet Jon Stewart. And Matt Lauer. And Kermit the Frog.
• I would spend a lot of time deciding which SNL comic would portray me in sketches. I’m thinkin’ Bill Hader.

(Give him a blonde wig and we’re TWINS!)

Now I’m WAY excited to run for president. I’m pretty sure I could beat Romney, Gingrich, Santorum, Paul–and any other GOP candidate still crawling out of the woodwork. But then I probably wouldn’t have time to blog.

Screw it.