How to Tell if the CIA is Tracking You

Maybe those people with the tinfoil hats were right.

I guess you’ve heard the claims that the U.S. Government used electronic surveillance to track “terrorists.” My first thought was, “Duh.” I assumed the CIA tracked us from the moment of our birth. But maybe tinfoil does keep the government from reading your mind. Because that’s about the only thing they haven’t infiltrated. . . . or have they?

men in black(No matter what they say, these people are not milkmen.)

Here are some ways to tell if the CIA is tracking you:

  • You have a new friend on Facebook named Agent Johnson.
  • You think about ordering pizza and Domino’s shows up at your door.
  • You’re trying to watch Game of Thrones but the channel keeps changing to the latest congressional hearing.
  • General David Petraeus moves next door.

patraeus(“Hi. I’m the new PTA president.”)

  • Your Comcast installer says he has to add a special “feature” to your landline and cell phones.
  • As you listen to your police scanner, you realize they are talking about your house.
  • Your water meter has been checked several times in the last few days.
  • You find someone living in your doghouse.
  • You type “Is the CIA watching me?” onto Google, and this is what shows up:

Yes

  • The ice cream truck has been parked in front of your home for a really long time.
  • You reach in the fridge to grab the milk, and someone hands it to you.
  • You see someone run across your lawn yelling, “We’ve been compromised!!”
  • All your mail has been opened and re-sealed with duct tape.
  • You hear someone say “Bless you” when you sneeze. But you’re home alone.

Now, granted, some of those things can happen with no CIA involvement. But if one or more of these occur regularly, you might want to change your name and move to Brazil. Stay safe, my friends.

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Top 5 Ways To Celebrate Freedom

Interestingly enough, February 1 is National Freedom Day (Lincoln abolished slavery) while July 4 is National Independence Day (America abolished Great Britain).

(Hopefully, your Independence Day won’t include a devastating alien invasion.)

As U.S. citizens, we celebrate freedom by eating vast amounts of barbecue, lighting things on fire and waving at beauty queens during a parade. So, even after thousands of years of evolution, our society still tends to focus on food, fire and women. Great progress there, folks.

Here are 5 great ways to celebrate freedom this week:

#1–Read a book. As Americans, we’re free to read anything we’d like without censoring. (Unless you live in Davis County, Utah, and want to read “In Our Mothers’ House.” It’s a picture book about a child being raised by two mothers that was banned from Davis County schools.)

(For mercy’s sake! Don’t read this story about a loving family to your children!!)

#2–Act Like An Idiot. Americans are infamous for being boorish, obnoxious, outspoken, rude and stupid. For many people, The Fourth is July is celebrated by 1) Getting drunk, 2) Shooting off illegal fireworks, 3) Catching the dry field across the street on fire, and 4) Burning the neighbor’s house down.

#3–Watch TMZ or listen to Rush Limbaugh. Unlike many places across the world, the U.S. lets its citizens watch anything they damn well please. But, instead of educational, cultural or informative programs, the majority of people tend to lean toward reality TV, gossip-mongering hate-filled talk shows or porn. Thanks, freedom.

(What’s not to like?!)

#4–Debate the recent Supreme Court rulings. You don’t have to agree (hence the word “debate”) but at least be informed. Part of the wonderfulness of this country is our right to agree to disagree. Unless you’re FOX news or CNN. Then you are just disagreeable. (Don’t agree? That’s okay!)

#5–Thank a Vet. Seriously, folks. Whether it’s your grandpa that served in WWII, your uncle who fought in the Gulf War or your neighbor who just returned from Afghanistan, give them a hug (not the surprise kind where you jump out of the hall closet) and say, “thanks.”

(Thank you.)

Enjoy the freedom to vote, protest, send our daughters to school, choose our own spouse or religion.

And, finally, be safe during The Fourth of July by avoiding warm potato salad, pyromaniac brothers with a penchant for “improving” the fireworks they just purchased, and children running with sparklers. What a freakin’ dangerous holiday.

Vote For PK!

Since today is President’s Day, I stopped to think how much it would suck to be president of the U.S. Talk about making NOBODY happy.

But there MUST be perks to being prez or no one would bother to run every four years. Here are the top things that would make it cool to be president.

  • Absolute Power! (Duh)

(My cabinet would be the Masters of the Universe.)

  • $400,000 a year, plus a $50,000 annual expense account. Yeah, I could spend that.
  • I would designate July 5 (my b-day) as National Peri Kinder Day–extending the 4th of July holiday an extra day–and creating lots of love for me.
  • The bumper sticker on my pimped-out limo would read, “My other car is Air Force One. Suckas!”
  • No housework for FOUR YEARS!!!!

(I’m the one not holding a vacuum.)

  • I can mail things for free for the rest of my life. Or until the post office folds.
  • I would establish a cool presidential library. The Peri L Kinder Presidential Library (located in Kearns, Utah) would feature a large sunroom with window seats; access to snacks of all kinds (mostly candy); James Earl Jones reading to me from any book I choose; slides; trampoline floors; and a bedroom so I could live there.
  • I could get a “Hail to the Chief” ringtone. (Then I’d call myself all the time.)
  • I would choose an awesome VP. Maybe Chelsea Handler, Tina Fey or Ellen DeGeneres.
  • I’d hire a staff member to exercise for me.

DSC_0297 - Copy

(I’m not shown in this picture. I’m sleeping.)

  • I’d probably get to meet Jon Stewart. And Matt Lauer. And Kermit the Frog.
  • I would spend a lot of time deciding which SNL comic would portray me in sketches. I’m thinkin’ Bill Hader.

(Give him a blonde wig and we’re TWINS!)

Now I’m WAY excited to run for president. I’m pretty sure I could beat Romney, Gingrich, Santorum, Paul–and any other GOP candidate still crawling out of the woodwork. But then I probably wouldn’t have time to blog.

Screw it.