As I’ve mentioned in past years, bloggers are required to create a gratitude list each November. I think it’s written in the Affordable Care Act (somewhere between “quagmire” and “socialism”). Here are the things I’m grateful for this year:
- My address doesn’t include the words “Syria,” “Juarez,” or “Detroit.”
- I wasn’t involved in a sex scandal. (I wanted to be, but couldn’t make it happen.)
- American Horror Story. Specifically Jessica Lange. Oh, and Kathy Bates. And Angela Bassett.
- Shaving cream.
- Lady Gaga overcoming her debilitating shyness.
- Denny’s bacon menu.
- CAPTCHA security codes. (I feel like a secret agent typing the indecipherable letters/numbers.)
- Dogs with happy, waggy tails.
- The NSA set up shop in my backyard. Now I can feel safe.
- Movie theater popcorn.
- Miley Cyrus taught us how to appropriately appreciate demolition equipment.
(Thank you, sledgehammer.)
- My city has not been used in a headline with the words “typhoon,” “hurricane” or “Anthony Weiner.”
- Dennis Rodman is our ambassador to North Korea.
- Pie. Any kind of pie.
- San Diego.
- Kim Kardashian finally found true love. Again.
- Swear words.
If you don’t make a list of things you’re thankful for each November, you’re just an ungrateful, selfish American who probably hates kittens and steps on ladybugs. Bloggers are required by law to make a gratitude list to remind their readers not to be hedonistic during this long, expensive, mentally draining holiday season.
So, here you go.
I’m thankful for:
- Electricity. ‘Cause if I had to live like the people in Revolution, I’d be pissed.
(Fighting bad guys without the help of electricity–yet somehow their hair and clothing look really good.)
- Pomegranate seeds.
- Sleeping babies.
- Rabies shots. (For dogs, of course. I hated Old Yeller.)
(Really?!?! He had to shoot his dog. Thanks, Disney, for a lifetime of sadness.)
- Chocolate-covered anything.
- The end of election season.
- Being able to grow a mustache.
- Llamas with Hats.
(It just never gets old. “Killing people is my least favorite thing to do.”)
- Fuzzy, warm socks.
- Raspberry fritters.
That sums it up for this year. Have an excellent Thanksgiving!
In November, it is required that every person in the country make a list of things they’re grateful for. If you don’t–you’re not a true American. But along with being thankful for food, clothing, shelter and chocolate, I am grateful for so much more.
I’m grateful for:
- Underwear that doesn’t leave panty-lines.
(I think she might have some permanent damage.)
- The fact that I’ll NEVER have to take an algebra class ever, ever, ever again.
- Kim Kardashian’s fairy-tale wedding. What a true love story.
(This has restored my faith in the institution of marriage. I think they’ll be happy for ever and ever and ever. . .)
- The platypus. How cool is that thing?
- Dental floss. Not because it removes that make-believe plaque my dentist keeps nagging me about, but because if you ever need to tie off a severed artery–floss is your best friend.
(Get off my case, Mr. Bicuspid from hell!!!)
- The Jersey Shore Christmas Ornament collection. Who wouldn’t want dem hangin’ from yo’ tree?
(All they need now is a Christmas CD. Possible titles: “Santa and his Hos,” “$%&* the Halls” or “Rudolph Shot Grandma With a Glock.”)
(Bwahahahahaha!!!!! I think I just peed.)