My Annual Gratitude List

thankful

As I’ve mentioned in past years, bloggers are required to create a gratitude list each November. I think it’s written in the Affordable Care Act (somewhere between “quagmire” and “socialism”). Here are the things I’m grateful for this year:

  • My address doesn’t include the words “Syria,” “Juarez,” or “Detroit.”
  • I wasn’t involved in a sex scandal. (I wanted to be, but couldn’t make it happen.)
  • American Horror Story. Specifically Jessica Lange. Oh, and Kathy Bates. And Angela Bassett.
  • Shaving cream.
  • Lady Gaga overcoming her debilitating shyness.
  • Denny’s bacon menu.
  • Sloths

sloth(My mascot.)

  • CAPTCHA security codes. (I feel like a secret agent typing the indecipherable letters/numbers.)
  • Dogs with happy, waggy tails.
  • The NSA set up shop in my backyard. Now I can feel safe.
  • Movie theater popcorn.
  • Miley Cyrus taught us how to appropriately appreciate demolition equipment.

miley(Thank you, sledgehammer.)

  • My city has not been used in a headline with the words “typhoon,” “hurricane” or “Anthony Weiner.”
  • Dennis Rodman is our ambassador to North Korea.
  • Pie. Any kind of pie.
  • San Diego.
  • Kim Kardashian finally found true love. Again.
  • Swear words.
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I’m Thankful For . . .

If you don’t make a list of things you’re thankful for each November, you’re just an ungrateful, selfish American who probably hates kittens and steps on ladybugs. Bloggers are required by law to make a gratitude list to remind their readers not to be hedonistic during this long, expensive, mentally draining holiday season.

So, here you go.

I’m thankful for:

  • Electricity. ‘Cause if I had to live like the people in Revolution, I’d be pissed.

(Fighting bad guys without the help of electricity–yet somehow their hair and clothing look really good.)

  • Pillows.
  • Gravity.
  • Pomegranate seeds.
  • Sleeping babies.
  • Rabies shots. (For dogs, of course. I hated Old Yeller.)

(Really?!?! He had to shoot his dog. Thanks, Disney, for a lifetime of sadness.)

  • Chocolate-covered anything.
  • The end of election season.
  • Being able to grow a mustache.
  • Nair.
  • Llamas with Hats.

(It just never gets old. “Killing people is my least favorite thing to do.”)

  • Fuzzy, warm socks.
  • Raspberry fritters.
  • Colgate.

That sums it up for this year. Have an excellent Thanksgiving!

I’m Grateful For . . .

In November, it is required that every person in the country make a list of things they’re grateful for. If  you don’t–you’re not a true American. But along with being thankful for food, clothing, shelter and chocolate, I am grateful for so much more.

I’m grateful for:

  • Underwear that doesn’t leave panty-lines.

(I think she might have some permanent damage.)

  • The fact that I’ll NEVER have to take an algebra class ever, ever, ever again.
  • Kim Kardashian’s fairy-tale wedding. What a true love story.

(This has restored my faith in the institution of marriage. I think they’ll be happy for ever and ever and ever. . .)

  • The platypus. How cool is that thing?
  • Dental floss. Not because it removes that make-believe plaque my dentist keeps nagging me about, but because if you ever need to tie off a severed artery–floss is your best friend.

(Get off my case, Mr. Bicuspid from hell!!!)

  • The Jersey Shore Christmas Ornament collection. Who wouldn’t want dem hangin’ from yo’ tree?

(All they need now is a Christmas CD. Possible titles: “Santa and his Hos,” “$%&* the Halls” or “Rudolph Shot Grandma With a Glock.”)

  • Fiction. Because reality sucks.
  • Daughters who aren’t currently in prison.
  • This picture:

(Bwahahahahaha!!!!! I think I just peed.)

Happy Thanksgiving!!!