As I’ve mentioned in past years, bloggers are required to create a gratitude list each November. I think it’s written in the Affordable Care Act (somewhere between “quagmire” and “socialism”). Here are the things I’m grateful for this year:

• My address doesn’t include the words “Syria,” “Juarez,” or “Detroit.”
• I wasn’t involved in a sex scandal. (I wanted to be, but couldn’t make it happen.)
• American Horror Story. Specifically Jessica Lange. Oh, and Kathy Bates. And Angela Bassett.
• Shaving cream.
• Lady Gaga overcoming her debilitating shyness.
• Denny’s bacon menu.
• Sloths

(My mascot.)

• CAPTCHA security codes. (I feel like a secret agent typing the indecipherable letters/numbers.)
• Dogs with happy, waggy tails.
• The NSA set up shop in my backyard. Now I can feel safe.
• Movie theater popcorn.
• Miley Cyrus taught us how to appropriately appreciate demolition equipment.

(Thank you, sledgehammer.)

• My city has not been used in a headline with the words “typhoon,” “hurricane” or “Anthony Weiner.”
• Dennis Rodman is our ambassador to North Korea.
• Pie. Any kind of pie.
• San Diego.
• Kim Kardashian finally found true love. Again.
• Swear words.