In November, it is required that every person in the country make a list of things they’re grateful for. If  you don’t–you’re not a true American. But along with being thankful for food, clothing, shelter and chocolate, I am grateful for so much more.

I’m grateful for:

• Underwear that doesn’t leave panty-lines.

(I think she might have some permanent damage.)

• The fact that I’ll NEVER have to take an algebra class ever, ever, ever again.
• Kim Kardashian’s fairy-tale wedding. What a true love story.

(This has restored my faith in the institution of marriage. I think they’ll be happy for ever and ever and ever. . .)

• The platypus. How cool is that thing?
• Dental floss. Not because it removes that make-believe plaque my dentist keeps nagging me about, but because if you ever need to tie off a severed artery–floss is your best friend.

(Get off my case, Mr. Bicuspid from hell!!!)

• The Jersey Shore Christmas Ornament collection. Who wouldn’t want dem hangin’ from yo’ tree?

(All they need now is a Christmas CD. Possible titles: “Santa and his Hos,” “$%&* the Halls” or “Rudolph Shot Grandma With a Glock.”)

• Fiction. Because reality sucks.
• Daughters who aren’t currently in prison.
• This picture:

(Bwahahahahaha!!!!! I think I just peed.)

Happy Thanksgiving!!!