In November, it is required that every person in the country make a list of things they’re grateful for. If you don’t–you’re not a true American. But along with being thankful for food, clothing, shelter and chocolate, I am grateful for so much more.
I’m grateful for:
- Underwear that doesn’t leave panty-lines.
(I think she might have some permanent damage.)
- The fact that I’ll NEVER have to take an algebra class ever, ever, ever again.
- Kim Kardashian’s fairy-tale wedding. What a true love story.
(This has restored my faith in the institution of marriage. I think they’ll be happy for ever and ever and ever. . .)
- The platypus. How cool is that thing?
- Dental floss. Not because it removes that make-believe plaque my dentist keeps nagging me about, but because if you ever need to tie off a severed artery–floss is your best friend.
(Get off my case, Mr. Bicuspid from hell!!!)
- The Jersey Shore Christmas Ornament collection. Who wouldn’t want dem hangin’ from yo’ tree?
(All they need now is a Christmas CD. Possible titles: “Santa and his Hos,” “$%&* the Halls” or “Rudolph Shot Grandma With a Glock.”)
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Fiction. Because reality sucks.
- Daughters who aren’t currently in prison.
- This picture:
(Bwahahahahaha!!!!! I think I just peed.)
Happy Thanksgiving!!!
Oh my god. Jersey Shore Christmas ornaments! I am ordering those RIGHT. NOW!
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Funny post! I want those action figures for my tree! Thanks for reminding me to floss. Of course plaque is real…an ever present threat…lurking…
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